“Historically the military has served the healthiest, best food we could supply our soldiers,” said Army Public Affairs Officer Captain James Dale at a press conference, “But we have come to believe a balanced diet should include something other than mac n’ cheese, meatloaf, and pizza casserole. We are committed to keeping our soldiers in the best shape possible, so we are doing our best to provide them food with real nutritional content.”
The Army’s new dietary guidelines encourage soldiers to buy their own groceries and lists healthy restaurants out in town. They also encourage troops to steer clear of dietary pitfalls such as high-calorie foods, sodas, and all base dining facilities.
“I haven’t been to the chow hall in days,” Corporal David Stone said when asked about his new diet. “I feel better already. The only thing I miss is the breakfast rice.”
“Yeah, there was a salad bar at the chow hall,” Private Sarah West said when asked about the campaign, “But nobody ever ate that crap. I tried once and I threw up.”
A poster for the new campaign shows the food in the chow line, with the caption “Would you serve this to your family?” Another poster shows a soldier snapping a pancake in half.
“We also decided to reduce the calorie count of our meals by making our portions smaller,” CPT Dale said. “However, the all you can eat dessert bars will remain.”
In a related story, a small number of U.S. prisons are dealing with riots after inmates complained about the influx of foods sent to them from military dining facilities. Inmates have said that the food constitutes “cruel and unusual punishment” on their digestive tracts.