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Ask A Public Affairs Officer (Ep. 2)

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Public Affairs Officer

Ask a Public Affairs Officer is a semi-regular column highlighting the best and brightest in the public relations field: Military PAO’s, who specialize in dodging the tough questions, spinning the worst, and hoping for the best.

What do you think about this whole Iranian nuclear thing? Are we going to go in there and wipe them out or what?

Thank you so much for your interesting question. Nuclear arms are an important weapon in the U.S. arsenal and a great deterrent against further Soviet aggression.

My wife won’t stop nagging me all the time. Then she gets all whiny when I just tell her to go make me a sandwich. I think we might get divorced. What should I do?

As a married service-member, you benefit greatly from the modernized base housing, great shopping and low prices at the Commissary, and wonderful community events put on by the Family Readiness Group. We are very happy and honored to support military families worldwide.

Who do you think will win the next Presidential election?

One of the most amazing and fundamental things about our country is that we have free and fair elections and the people decide who will be our elected officials. The military fully supports this concept in the U.S. and throughout the world.

Are we ever going to get the hell out of Afghanistan?

The United States is completely dedicated to the mission of helping the great people of Afghanistan under the excellent leadership of President Hamid Karzai. Under his direction and with our military might, we have freed the people of Afghanistan, brought a stable and corruption-free democracy to the region, and partnered with an important ally in the world.

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If you have a question for the PAO, tweet @TheDuffelBlog or send an email to [email protected]

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience — specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.

Advice

Ask A Public Affairs Officer (Ep. 1)

Published

on

Public Affairs Officer

Ask a Public Affairs Officer is a semi-regular column highlighting the best and brightest in the public relations field: Military PAO’s, who specialize in dodging the tough questions, spinning the worst, and hoping for the best.

My fucking wife is sleeping with my best friend. I caught the two of them when I came home from work. What do I do?

Thanks so much for your question. Marriage is a wonderful and thousands-of-years’ old institution. Our military fully supports it, even in these trying times.

What do you make of these green-on-blue attacks happening lately in Afghanistan?

I’m honored to be among the men and women who make up our amazing military. Each and every day, they fight for freedom, mentor and support our Afghan partners, and help a grateful nation under the excellent leadership of President Hamid Karzai.

My barracks is completely screwed. There’s sewage seeping in everywhere. Toilets are broken. This place should be condemned. Will this ever be fixed?

For years, we have been improving barracks across the military and quality of life has gone up substantially. While many of our grandfathers may have had to live in tents, our troops today are lucky to be living in wonderful barracks with numerous amenities. They are practically like college dorm rooms.

I’m going to fucking kill myself right now. I’ll do it. I have a gun in my hand at this moment.

Suicide is of course one of the Department of Defense’s top priorities. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family during the imminent mourning period. However, with the creation of our DSTRESS program, we hope to fight this troubling trend in the future.

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If you have a question for the PAO, ask yours by tweeting to @TheDuffelBlog or sending an email to [email protected]

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