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Congressman Horrified To Learn Soldiers Issued Green Fleece Caps


WASHINGTON, D.C. — A congressman reported today that he was horrified to learn that the Army has been issuing its soldiers green fleece watch caps since 2006. The shocking revelations came during a drive through downtown Washington, where Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) observed a unit of Army reserve soldiers out for a run.

“The first thing I thought was ‘those are the stupidest things I’ve ever seen!’  Then I realized they were American soldiers and I almost threw up in my mouth,” said Levin, after adjusting his flag lapel pin. “Then I of course thanked them for their service.”

The oversized headgear replaced a more popular, civilian-modeled black version that was widely loved among soldiers, after Army leadership observed the soldiers wearing the caps off-duty in all types of outdoor situations.

“I mean, I remember when they had those black caps, and they looked great with everything. After the incident this morning, I did a little research.  These things don’t match a single uniform we have in the inventory!” said Levin. “What kind of dipshit would authorize something like this?”

Duffel Blog reporters tracked down Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, to confront him on the issue.

“It’s all about value and appearance. When we gave soldiers the black cap, they would use them to ski, hunt, and pretty much anything else outdoors without looking like a jackass. On the Army’s dime!  Well not on our watch,” stated Chandler with a smirk.

“That’s why we changed it to this over sized piece of garbage. No one would be caught dead in this thing! Plus the chemical runoff we use to dye these is actually cheaper than the warm, tight fitting micro fiber in the old caps. The switch cost the Army over ten million dollars, but the savings per unit will make sure we get our money back in less than 24 years!  You can’t beat a deal like that.”

When asked why the color didn’t match anything currently worn by Army soldiers, Chandler was quick to flip open his ever present notebook and read from a section of highlighted notes on uniforms.

“Since the color doesn’t go with anything in the inventory, it will always break up the outline and color patterns of the soldier!” recited Chandler, who then removed a handwritten page from the company who manufactured the caps. “Furthermore… this is the best watch cap in the history of watch caps. Guaranteed!”

After being asked about the recent cases of frostbite attributed to soldiers in the field during sub-zero weather when they weren’t authorized to wear the misshapen, gnome-like caps, his answer was simple.

“I remember back at the Sergeants Major Academy.  One of the first courses was how to identify and outlaw efficient gear.  This was just a natural progression at the Big Army level.  We do our best to keep these things away from any environment where they might actually be needed.”

Chandler refused to comment on the apparent hypocrisy of issuing intentionally deficient gear that can’t be used when needed.

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  1. Actually they are issued…..My husband has one and it matches their new jackets that are the same color green.

  2. That green fleece is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. Thought it was part of the joke until I read the comments. Please tell me that is not actually issued.

  3. I believe the real tragedy is lost. That piece of crap green fleece. My black fleece was more efficient. Actually worked at keeping the individual warm, the green fleece, barely filtered a fart. Hey typical army though with uniforms, its a hey, pick a new uniform every 5 years to secure that kickback and job for that contractor when i retire. Screw picking things that actually work. Kevin P. McQuade makes more sense then the army sometimes.

  4. I just revised AR-670-1 for my unit. I am bringing back the “pile cap” my troops will not wear that fucking green condom.

  5. I’d really like to see the explanation for the atrocity that is the Navy’s NWU parkas. Hotter than balls, difficult to stow, seldom used and yet STILL a required seabag item.

  6. I just retired after thirty-two years in the Army: Active, Reserves and Guard. This hat goes with our ACUs. I’m up here in Minnesota, and it keeps my ears plenty warm. I’ve worn a couple versions of the old watch cap too. I don’t think that they were as warm as this green cap is. And here is a secret. The caps will never, ever look the same because soldiers heads are different shapes and sizes, and men and women have different hair lengths. Sorry Senator.

  7. The Army Uniform Board recently issued a statement: “This is the best cap made for keeping long hair in place during rigorous activity.” The Marine Corps was offered the opportunity to participate in the procurement in the spirit of interoperabiity but declined even though the color compliments nothing the Marine Corps sports either. SgtMaj of the Mariine Corps Barrett stated “Someone will find a way to make this useful. That will never do. If we start giving Marines compfort items they will turn into a bunch of candy-asses…we have enough of those in the armed forces now.”

  8. I loved my black fleece cap. I don’t give a fuck bout how it looked or who in the chain did not like it.

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