WASHINGTON, D.C. — A congressman reported today that he was horrified to learn that the Army has been issuing its soldiers green fleece watch caps since 2006. The shocking revelations came during a drive through downtown Washington, where Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.) observed a unit of Army reserve soldiers out for a run.
“The first thing I thought was ‘those are the stupidest things I’ve ever seen!’ Then I realized they were American soldiers and I almost threw up in my mouth,” said Levin, after adjusting his flag lapel pin. “Then I of course thanked them for their service.”
The oversized headgear replaced a more popular, civilian-modeled black version that was widely loved among soldiers, after Army leadership observed the soldiers wearing the caps off-duty in all types of outdoor situations.
“I mean, I remember when they had those black caps, and they looked great with everything. After the incident this morning, I did a little research. These things don’t match a single uniform we have in the inventory!” said Levin. “What kind of dipshit would authorize something like this?”
Duffel Blog reporters tracked down Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, to confront him on the issue.
“It’s all about value and appearance. When we gave soldiers the black cap, they would use them to ski, hunt, and pretty much anything else outdoors without looking like a jackass. On the Army’s dime! Well not on our watch,” stated Chandler with a smirk.
“That’s why we changed it to this over sized piece of garbage. No one would be caught dead in this thing! Plus the chemical runoff we use to dye these is actually cheaper than the warm, tight fitting micro fiber in the old caps. The switch cost the Army over ten million dollars, but the savings per unit will make sure we get our money back in less than 24 years! You can’t beat a deal like that.”
When asked why the color didn’t match anything currently worn by Army soldiers, Chandler was quick to flip open his ever present notebook and read from a section of highlighted notes on uniforms.
“Since the color doesn’t go with anything in the inventory, it will always break up the outline and color patterns of the soldier!” recited Chandler, who then removed a handwritten page from the company who manufactured the caps. “Furthermore… this is the best watch cap in the history of watch caps. Guaranteed!”
After being asked about the recent cases of frostbite attributed to soldiers in the field during sub-zero weather when they weren’t authorized to wear the misshapen, gnome-like caps, his answer was simple.
“I remember back at the Sergeants Major Academy. One of the first courses was how to identify and outlaw efficient gear. This was just a natural progression at the Big Army level. We do our best to keep these things away from any environment where they might actually be needed.”
Chandler refused to comment on the apparent hypocrisy of issuing intentionally deficient gear that can’t be used when needed.