THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that it will not host or sponsor any further events to recognize Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual Pride. DoD Spokesman Major Phil McTavish made the announcement for the Pentagon in an unscheduled press briefing held in a broom closet on sub-basement C, saying that public outcry over the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was not a cause for the policy change.
The Pentagon held its first, and now only, gay pride event on June 26 of this year, nine months after the repeal of DADT. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta announced the event in a video message to the troops which also thanked gay and lesbian troops that were already serving. Public reaction to the event was mostly a chorus of shrugged shoulders and the occasional screaming that the military was “ruined forever”.
When pressed for the cause for about face in policy, McTavish stated the military was “pretty much gay enough already.”
“We obviously don’t have anything against gay and lesbian troops in the military. The DOD just doesn’t feel the need to make a big deal about it anymore. We feel we’ve achieved a level of gayness that suits us.”
McTavish continued, “Look around you, man. All these missiles, bullets, rockets; they’re basically dicks, right? I mean sure, they need to be shaped that way to fly, but think of the subtext.”
Military historian and ancient warfare expert Dr. Drew Chalmers agrees.
“It’s no secret the ancient Greeks had a, shall we say, more intimate expression of their comradely love for one another,” said Chalmers. “Seeing all these companies and platoons nick-name themselves ‘Spartans’ and ‘Trojans’ is fucking hilarious. I mean really, don’t these numbskulls know they were buttfucking each other at the drop of a hat?”
Dr. Chalmers also cited the symbolism of military ranks. “Anyone who’s read or seen ‘The DaVinci Code’ knows that chevrons are a masculine symbol. Essentially, most enlisted ranks are a pile of dicks, some with more decorations than others. Plus Army and Marine chevrons point up implying an active sexual role. Meanwhile, Navy ranks point down. Fill in the blanks.”
Noting that Air Force enlisted ranks are of a more convex shape, Dr. Chalmers quickly responded: “Pile of vaginas. Do I have to spell it out?”
MAJ McTavish also listed a number of ways the military exhibits its inherent gayness. “Take hygiene for example. Showering with other naked members of the same sex in a hot, steamy room. Granted, the example in the movie ‘Stripes’ was pretty fucking hot, ‘cause it was all chicks. But most of the time, it’s a sausage fest.”
Another key example is combatives, the modern term for hand-to-hand combat. “Yes, our troops need to be able to defend themselves when unarmed, but really. It’s just two sweaty dudes rolling around on the floor and grunting. Pretty fucking gay,” said McTavish.
The discovery of the military’s gayness is not unique to the Pentagon. KBR site manager Goran Antunovic, currently working at Camp Leatherneck in Afghanistan’s Helmand Province, summed up his experience. “It is simple, really. My crews go to clean the portable toilets and every one is littered with drawings of penises. Big penises, little penises, penises with wings. It’s amazing. And this was before Ghulam was selling bootleg copies of ‘Superbad’ at the bazaar.”
Antunovic, a veteran of the fighting in his native Bosnia gave a perspective of international military gayness. “In Bosnia, some of the stuff we did was kinda gay, but you Americans take the cake. The worst we did was make the new guys kiss each other. But we kinda do that anyway, on the cheeks, you know. But your ‘gay chicken’ is out there,” Antunovic said, describing the game played by infantrymen of two men advancing on one another in sexually suggestive ways until one of the men backs off.
“Once I saw these two Soldiers at Camp Stone in Herat go at it. They just kept getting closer and closer. I think one of them was actually enjoying it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Numerous other examples were cited. The ultimate reason according to MAJ McTavish was the Navy. “Not just parts of the Navy, the whole damn thing. Think about it, all these long, hard things filled with ‘Seamen.’ You think that’s an accident?”