Female Marine Charges Obstacle Course With Sexual Harassment

Obstacle Course

OKINAWA, JAPAN – Charges of sexual harassment have been brought against the base obstacle course this week, after a female Marine from 7th Communications Battalion reported that “she felt extremely uncomfortable doing physical training on or around the object.”

The Marine, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims the O-course behaved in an inappropriate manner during a unit physical training session.

“I have never felt so ashamed and violated in my life. The course was all over my lady parts, then, it [the o-course] made me do terrible things,” she said.

Soon after the female Marine’s meritorious promotion to Corporal, her Battalion commander released a statement.

“I currently have an investigation underway, but right now, we are concerned for this Marine’s welfare,” said Lieutenant Colonel Nicholas J. Lourian. “I will order a Battalion safety stand down as soon as we have some answers so that this incident doesn’t happen again.”

This isn’t the first case at Camp Hansen. Some female Marines have complained about the abbreviation for portable radio component (PRC), which is pronounced “prick” by many male Marines. Others say they’ve endured a barrage of sexual harassment at the enlisted club, with male Marines “inappropriately buying them drinks.”

“Even at the PX I’m getting treated like a piece of meat,” said one female Marine who wished to remain anonymous. “Sometimes when I get in line, there will be a couple of men ahead, saying that I can cut them and go ahead, trying to act nice. I may be a woman but I have every right to stand in the PX line just like the men.”

Most male Marines were unsure of how to take the news.

“This is bullshit! Do you know how long it takes me to get anything done so I don’t hurt anyone’s overly-sensitive feelings?,” said Sergeant James Simpson. “I am calling my monitor and getting out of this shit sandwich.”

Marine Commandant General James Mattis ignored repeated requests for interview on the matter, but after considerable pressure, sent a fax to Duffel Blog which only read:

Harden The Fuck Up.

Very Respectfully Submitted with Titty Sprinkles,

M-4

Lt.Col. Lourian reports that his emergency ethics stand-down for the battalion has been a great success.

“Sgt. Simpson gave multiple classes on professionalism, suicide prevention, and sexual harassment — which were really great and I think helped the Marines quite a bit.”

According to witnesses at the brief, Lt.Col. Lourian sat quietly behind his Battalion, stroking and whispering to a set of Colonel insignia that he keeps in his cover.


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12 Comments

  1. You know, the next claim is going to come from a gay guy who files charges becuase at the start of the obstacle course the Sergeant told him to “Love the Pole”.

    • No…the gay guy will claim that he didn’t get treated the same way as the female. He wants as much of the big pole as the female did. Any less is discrimination.

  2. “Harden The Fuck Up.
    Very Respectfully Submitted with Titty Sprinkles,…”

    OMG, titty sprinkles REALLY, have you all LOST your minds! lolololol… I am sooo going to find a way to use this in an upcoming conversation!! LMAO!!! XD

  3. I know this is satire, but there is a growing trend of power to the females in more aspects than one. It makes me doubt the human race, but then I’ve had a tinge of misanthropy for a few years now.

  4. If she was wearing her utes instead of pasties and a g-string this wouldn’t have happened. Dress like a slut get treated like a slut.

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