PHUKET, Thailand — Sexually transmitted diseases have been racing to nearby clinics to get checked for sailors in an effort to curb a spate of recent outbreaks, sources confirmed today.

The outbreaks come after a group of U.S. Navy ships made a stop at a port in Thailand and released sailors out into the public, a move the local population views as nothing short of biological warfare.

“With no regard for public safety, the commanders saw fit to unleash a swarm of sailors out into the open air, knowing full well that they can easily spread,” said Bobby Khachatryan, a public health practitioner. “Have they no idea what sort of social stigmas STDs encounter when they catch a case of the squids?”

Local sexually transmitted diseases are canvassing the area, looking for fellow maladies who might have unwittingly come in contact with a sailor.

“You can never be too safe or get tested too early,” said a batch of chlamydia. “You don’t want any sailors sneaking up on you. They are nasty, fat and lazy — just gross. It’s also super embarrassing when others find out that you’ve contracted sailors.”

Reported cases of sailors had dwindled prior to the arrival of the ships. Public officials attributed the decline to sailor awareness, sailor prevention, and sailor avoidance.

“It seems the time of plummeting sailor cases is at an end,” Khachatryan said. “Now, we are in reactive mode, and the STDs have to be treated with medication and ointments while we try to contain the sailor outbreak. The public healthcare system is currently overburdened as most STDs are making a dash to the pecker-checker to get swabbed for ‘swabbies.’”

Not everyone is panicking, however. Gonorrhea, a local sexually transmitted infection, welcomes the sailors with arms wide open.

“I caught a grand total of four sailors back in the fifties. They aren’t anything to worry about, really – some squirting and oozing. They are nothing a good dose of penicillin can’t tackle,” gonorrhea said proudly. “Bring those men and women on!”

ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

BEAUFORT, S.C. — The Pentagon is hailing the first successful crash of an F-35 fighter in South Carolina, sources confirmed today.

Though officials cautioned that they were still hoping for a successful crash under combat conditions, the downing of an F-35 out of Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

The pilot ejected and was being evaluated by medical personnel and the F-35 program office for insight into whether officials could credit the pilot or Lockheed Martin for the aircraft hitting its most recent milestone. The crash came just one day after a different F-35B conducted its first combat strike in Afghanistan against an important enemy weapons cache of AK-47’s and RPG’s, costing the Pentagon only about $150,000 in spent munitions and aircraft flight hours.

“Just as the F-35 secretly outperformed the A-10 in a close air support role in the past, this aircraft has shown it is far better suited at crashing than the F-16,” said Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn Hewson.

The crash was considered by the Marine Corps as a “total loss” of the aircraft. Military analysts have also used that language to describe the F-35 program’s budget.

The Pentagon intends to buy more than 2,400 of the jets at a cost of the military budgets of China and Russia combined, or $406 billion.

NORFOLK, Va. — The U.S. Navy plans to reduce suicide in its ranks by monitoring sailors at all times, sources confirmed today.

“Not a moment will pass in a sailor’s life where they will not be under observation,” Vice Adm. Robert Burke, deputy chief of naval operations, told reporters. “Sailors will feel secure knowing there is always someone there keeping an eye on them. Whether you’re at work, at home, or asleep in your bed, rest assured the Navy is watching you.”

“Sailors are scared we will install security cameras in their homes,” Burke said. “But that is ridiculous. Instead, we’ll be using thermal cameras to see though their walls.”

The new plan, dubbed “America’s Navy: 100% On Watch” will be implemented next month. The Center For Naval Analyses determined it would be the most efficient way to address the problem of suicide without addressing any of the root causes, officials said.

“We have determined this is the only way to ensure our sailors are safe at all times,” said Burke. “It has many benefits beyond preventing suicide. Think about it. Showers are dangerous places, you could slip and fall and nobody would know. That is, unless there was a surveillance camera. Don’t worry, we are watching for your sake.”

The idea was tested among several focus groups, in which sailors with objections were told their opinions were wrong, Burke added. “This plan has a 100% approval rating across the Navy.”

SAN DIEGO — Marine Cpl. Alexander Robinson passed away early Saturday after a suitable donor could not be found for a pair-of-socks transplant, sources confirmed today.

Robinson first checked in to Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton Tuesday morning after suffering a severe ankle sprain during his unit’s annual combat fitness test, officials said. Doctors immediately placed him on an IV drip of dihydrogen monoxide and issued him a straw, as he was initially assessed as stable with strong hopes for a full recovery.

By early Wednesday evening, however, his condition worsened and he slipped into a coma. Intubating him with a steady supply of Motrin, doctors made the decision to go ahead with a pair-of-socks replacement and put him on the transplant list.

“It was a tough call,” said Navy Cmdr. Andrea Johnson, the on-call surgeon. “Being infantry, he is by default half brain-dead, and therefore technically doesn’t meet the criteria for a POS transplant. However, we were optimistic the procedure could save his life, and so we requested the new socks. The issue was time, and if a suitable replacement could be found.”

To buy time, Cmdr. Johnson ordered doctors to rub some dirt on Robinson, which seemed to be just what he needed before a potential donor was found. Unfortunately, a donor compatibility test revealed that the white PT socks were not a match for Robinson’s Fox River boot socks.

The Marine held on for more than 10 hours waiting for a donor, but eventually his injuries were too much, and he was pronounced dead just before 12:30 a.m. Saturday morning.

A Pentagon spokesman told reporters that the entire Department of Defense sends its thoughts and prayers to Robinson’s family and unit members. The spokesman also added that he would be posthumously demoted for unauthorized absence, failing to complete annual training, and malingering.

HEAVEN — The soul of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) was tossed out of the Heaven Officer’s Club just hours after he entered the bar for angelic military officers, where witnesses say he was sliding shirtless across the bar top while shouting “carrier landings!” or as his fellow naval aviators simply described it, “just being John at happy hour,” Duffel Blog has learned.

McCain, 81, passed away over the weekend, though sources say his soul refused to slip the surly bonds like some mere mortal and instead allowed an A-4 Skyhawk to strap itself to him so he could tear-ass through the stratosphere, doing aileron rolls as he busted the aircraft’s service ceiling by some 4o or 5o thousand feet before catching a three-wire on the flight deck of Heaven.

“It turns out Heaven is actually pretty boring,” said Adm. Charles Larson, McCain’s Naval Academy classmate and flight school roommate who preceded him in death by four years. “I’ve been waiting for John to get here since 2014. But I should’ve known five minutes after that Restless Wave shows up, he jumps the Pearly Gates and we’re both on restriction.”

Larson was reportedly waiting for McCain outside Heaven’s door with McCain’s old convertible Corvette, but true to form, instead of quietly crossing the quarterdeck, McCain had to shoot the shit with the officer of the deck for 10 minutes, before slipping him a case of beer, parking his Corvette in St. Peter’s reserved spot, and asking, “Where’s the booze, Chuck?”

“Time, tide, and formation wait for no man, but Dad made an exception for John,” said Jesus, who was seen waiting for McCain in the O-club while holding a “Beat Army” sign and an “I Love Jet Noise” bumper sticker.

THE PENTAGON — As part of a push to entice more young, strapping men to the Navy, the service announced a new campaign to increase the utilization of phallic imagery throughout the service, sources confirmed today.

The Navy plans to double-down on efforts to place penis-shaped objects in recruitment materials and in naval workplaces around the world, officials said.

“The Navy has a storied tradition of appealing to the virility, fantasies of sexual prowess, and latent homosexuality of young men across the country to draw them into our service and maintain morale and gaiety within,” said Adm. John Richardson, Chief of Naval Operations.

“This new campaign to bombard sailors with subtle and not-so-subtle images of male genitalia will continue to stoke homoerotic passions and build upon our longstanding traditions.”

Top Naval brass realized a fundamental longing within the Navy was going unfulfilled following an incident last year in which a Navy pilot drew a penis in the sky.

“Sailors have a primal drive to surround themselves with images of penises,” said Peter Longwood, a researcher with the Navy Institute for Phallic Imagery. “When that need is unmet, there is risk of sexual tension boiling over into overt acts of intrusive, unbridled genital expression.”

Monument erected outside the Navy Institute for Phallic Imagery

Longwood has been leading a team of researchers in the initiative seeking to maximize the efficiency of the campaign.

“While images evoking big floppy trouser snakes don’t seem to be as effective in improving morale as images of steel-hard pork swords,” said Longwood, “the most important factor appears to be that the phallus be an unwieldy gargantuan macro-penis in size.”

Navy brass hopes that the effort will pay off in the form of new recruits and reenlistments engorging the ranks, which they describe as waves and waves of young, sweaty bodies ready to engage in the physical demands of hot, sultry service to the nation.

“We aim to increase the Navy’s influence across the girth of the globe,” said Richardson. “We will not rest dreamily until we have covered all corners of the earth with our seamen.”

W.T. Door contributed to this report.

WASHINGTON — President Trump has signed an executive order that would put Chik-fil-A restaurants on all U.S. military bases, sources confirmed today.

The order, which comes on the heels of a recent petition for Chik-fil-A to bring its restaurants to military bases, states that the franchise would “bring real American service and chicken to those who really serve America and aren’t chickens.”

“Real Americans eat real American food, and real Americans who serve deserve real American service,” Trump said after signing the order in the Oval Office, where he was surrounded by service-members, poultry lobbyists, and a Holstein cow holding a sign that said, “eat more chikin.”

The move has garnered widespread support from troops, although it was sharply criticized by LGBTQ groups and others who refuse to put politics aside and enjoy the best goddamn chicken sandwich ever made.

“Chik-fil-A represents a creepy invasion of our democracy that must be stopped,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). “Any establishment that closes its doors in recognition of their religion is anathema to American values,” he added during an interview Saturday outside a shuttered New York deli, noting the restaurant chain’s practice of closing on Sundays.

“Furthermore, I will ensure our brave troops at stations like West Point and Fort Drum are not subject to the oppressive hate crimes of a reasonably priced fast-food restaurant that serves delicious quality food the whole family can enjoy.”

Still, the restaurant hailed Trump’s decision, which would give it access to bases in the continental U.S. and abroad. A spokesman said Chik-fil-A planned to open its restaurants first at major Air Force, Navy, and Army bases, while adding that if there was any left over, it might open a hand-me-down restaurant at one or two of the major Marine Corps bases.

“Just definitely not at 29 Palms,” the spokesman said.