Guantanamo Prisoners To Receive GI Bill Benefits

Detainees At GTMO

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba — In a controversial move praised by the international community as a promotion of human rights, the Department of Defense has begun allowing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to seek Post 9/11 GI Bill benefits.

While these benefits have traditionally been restricted to veterans of the U.S. Military to use in pursuit of a degree, the Pentagon has seen fit to begin allowing GTMO prisoners to enroll in the program.

DoD Spokesman Wesley Manheim said that it was all a matter of fairness.

“The DoD has been doing everything it can to prevent torture from being used against detainees at GTMO. By allowing the detainees to use the Department of Veterans Affairs, we hope to completely crush their souls with bureaucracy, which to be noted, is completely different from torture. I mean hell, the VA does that to our veterans on a daily basis.”

When pressed as to how the detainees would be able to use the money, Manheim stated, “Mostly through online courses. Probably Phoenix College. Don’t worry, it’s not like they’ll be able to get a REAL degree.”

Eric K. Shinseki, head of the Department of Veteran Affairs, informed Duffel Blog of the details of how the VA would handle the new claims. “Because most ‘guests’ at Guantanamo Bay have been there nearly a decade and there is no end in sight for their ‘visit’, the Department of Veterans Affairs is ready to have their claims processed in 12-15 years as per standard operating procedure.”

Secretary Shinseki also hinted at plans to award the tan beret of the Army Rangers to all GTMO Detainees. When asked the purpose of this, Shinseki commented that “if they’re going to represent the Army in the classroom, I want them to look sharp while doing it.”

Representatives of the 75th Ranger Regiment released a response to Shinseki’s comments: “Seriously, FUCK that guy.”

Most prisoners have praised the DOD for its humanitarian efforts.

“Praise Allah,” said prisoner TK421, who plans on possibly pursuing a degree in Homeland Security from American Military University. He wrote a statement in Arabic to indicate his excitement.

“سوف أحضربرنامج الهندسة الكيميائية في ولاية إيلينوي وثم العودة إلى اليمن بلدي الأصلي لعمل الدراسات العليا. في المستقبل وإنني أتطلع إلى زيارة أمريكا للمرة الأخيرة إن شاء الله.”

Although emotions surrounding this news have been mostly positive from the prisoners, the news has its naysayers. “This is bullshit!” cried prisoner SA15-2-12. “I filled out all of the forms like they said and mailed them to my regional office in Spokane, Washington. I was enrolled in school and they said it was fine if I didn’t pay up front. Now I’ve just been dropped from all my classes because my claim hasn’t been processed yet and the school hasn’t been paid! I’d rather be force-fed pork and be sprayed with a fire hose than wait for the VA to process my claim!”

The program will also be prorated just like the Post 9/11 GI Bill, but based on an detainees’ time behind bars instead of active duty time for service members.

Sergeant Bryant Adams took a break from force feeding SA15-2-12 pork while simultaneously spraying him with a fire hose to speak to the Duffel Blog. A National Guard Military Policeman from Mississippi and guard at GTMO, Adams expressed concerns about the fairness of the program.

“It’s pretty fucked up if you ask me. This is my third goddamn deployment, one to shitty fucking Iraq and one to even shittier Afghanistan, and now I’m here guarding these stench covered nerf-herders and I’m only entitled to 80% of tuition and the monthly stipend because I only have two years on active duty orders! IQ19-8 in cell 523 has been rotting in here for nine years so he gets 100%? This is horseshit!”


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14 Comments

  1. Oh lord! This shit had me laughing so damn hard I’m crying! Warfighter’s rant was epic, that made me laugh even more. the arabic translation is greatness I enjoy that! Keep up the good work!

  2. سوف أحضربرنامج الهندسة الكيميائية في ولاية إيلينوي وثم العودة إلى اليمن بلدي الأصلي لعمل الدراسات العليا. في المستقبل وإنني أتطلع إلى زيارة أمريكا للمرة الأخيرة إن شاء الله
    i will attend the chemical engineering program in the state of illinois and then return to yemen to work on higher studies( graduate school) . and in the future, i looking into a final visit to america God willing.

    im impressed that the arabic is legit. kinda made me laugh even more

  3. IF THIS ISN’T THE WORST KIND, OF ALL OF THE KINDS OF BULLSHIT, THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S GOING TO TAKE FOR WE THE PEOPLE TO GET OUT HEADS OUT OF OUR ASSES, STOP DRINKING THE LSD LACED GLOBALIST/NWO KOOL-AID THAT THIS ADMINISTRATION, AND THEIR FOREIGN-BORN MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE ARE DOLING OUT, STOP ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF SHEEP, AFRAID THAT THE SUBSPECIES HATE GROUPS AND STREET THUGS IN THE NBPP,,NATION OF ISLAM. MS-13, ETC.. WILL RIOT ON HIS ORDERS, (AND IF THEY DO…THEN SHOW ‘EM EXACTLY WHY THE REV. JAMES MANNING WAS RIGHT, IN TELLING THEM NOT TO PISS OFF THE WHITE FOLK!!) RISE UP, VOTE THIS HALF-BREED, FOREIGN-BORN MOTHERF***ER, AND HIS BILDERBERG CRONIES OUT OF OFFICE, AND IF THEY TRY THE FALSE-FLAG/MARTIAL LAW, NEW WORLD ORDER BULLSHIT…THEN WE EXERCISE OUR SECOND AMENDMENT DUTY, AND DEFEND OUR LIBERTY AND SOVEREIGNTY!!!

    WHY THE HELL SHOULD TERRORISTS AT GITMO GET ANYTHING??!! THEY’RE F*CKING TERRORISTS!! CRIMINALS!!! MURDERERS!! WHY SHOULD WE THE PEOPLE END UP SUBSIDIZING G.I. BENEFITS, FOR THE ENEMIES OF THIS NATION??!! WHERE THE HELL IS THE FAIRNESS HERE??

    WHOEVER THOUGHT THIS BULLSHIT UP, DESERVES TO SWING FROM THE END OF A NOOSE!!

    IT’S THIS KIND OF SHIT THAT PROVES BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, THAT THE UNION AS WE KNEW IT..IS FINISHED!! IT HAS BEEN SO CORRUPTED, THAT THOSE WHO WERE SUPPOSEDLY “REPRESENTING” US…HAVE IN FACT, SOLD OUT TO THE GLOBALISTS, THE BILDERBERGS, AND THE NEW WORLD ORDER. THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END FOR OUR FREEDOM, LIBERTY, AND SOVEREIGNTY UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!!

    AS A TEXIAN, I THINK IT’S HIGH TIME FOR TEXAS TO SECEDE, AND RESTORE HERSELF TO HER RIGHTFUL STATUS AS A FREE, SOVEREIGN AND INDEPENDENT REPUBLIC!! ( IT WOULDN’T HURT ME ONE BIT TO SEE THE STARS AND BARS OF THE SOUTH RISE AGAIN EITHER!)

    INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM, LIBERTY, AND SOVEREIGNTY, ALONG WITH STATE SOVEREIGNTY..MUST BE MAINTAINED AT ALL COSTS!! THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS!!

    GOD BLESS, PROTECT AND RESTORE THE SOVEREIGN REPUBLIC OF TEXAS!!

    MAY THE SOUTH RISE AGAIN!! FREEDOM, LIBERTY, AND SOVEREIGNTY WITHOUT COMPROMISE!!

    • Awesome satire, Warfighter. You really act like a completely crazy bastard. Glad to know you’re a “Texian.”

    • Holy Shit Man!….My troll alarm must be broke, cause either that is one of the best satirical tirades I’ve seen (KPM would take first if you could understand his shit), or you are very serious and I would like to shake the hand of the individual that threw that impressive hook out there to reel you in. Either way….Wow.

      P.S. I am from Texas…..and would never refer to myself as a Texian………I part of the “Coalition for Freedom”.

  4. somehow i knew all that time at DLIFLC would pay off. I got the deep joke on the duffleblog and didn’t have to reach for the dictionary or google translate. i feel justified.

  5. I wonder if they have to call the 1(800)827-1000 number and get the don’t call us we’ll call you message? or the oldie but goodie, “you have a 15minute wait” then have to wait for two hours…

  6. WOO HOO!! First AGAIN!!

    Did anyone else read prisoner SA15-2-12’s comments like “Dis ees bool shet!!”?

    Yeah, me neither.

    • Darrell, Seriously, suck a dick on this “first” shit. Did you discover the interwebs last week? Cut it out cocksucker.

      • Forth…it even looks out of order. Wait are you being serious…or is he I am losing it. Too much non seriousness going on here…

      • Darrell B, as your commanding officer, I did not sign off on the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell” As far as I am concerned all it has done is turn my Army into a bunch of frustrated ballerinas . Be advised, I better not catch you sucking a dick. However, I have no problem with a rhetorical statement such as “Cut it out cocksucker”. Are we on the same page, TROOP.

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