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Navy To Deploy USS Constitution To Strait Of Hormuz


BOSTON, Mass. – With the US Navy increasingly stretched trying to meet its commitments in both the Pacific and the Middle East, the Department of the Navy announced today that it will be re-activating its entire mothball fleet for upcoming Middle East deployments, including the USS Constitution.

According to Navy officials, the Constitution, currently celebrating the 200th anniversary of her victory over the British warship HMS Guerriere, will relieve the destroyer USS Porter, which was damaged last month in a collision in the Strait of Hormuz while playing chicken with a lighthouse.

“I cannot think of a better way to honor those who fought in the War of 1812, as well as celebrate Constitution’s past successes, than for the ship to once again sail under arms,” said Commander Matt Bonner, the 72nd commanding officer of the Constitution.

Navy officials are also hoping that the favorable publicity will help raise awareness of its core mission of protecting the freedom of the seas and remind the public about the 285 ships in the Navy’s inventory that do not involve SEALs.

One Admiral, speaking off the record, said that Navy leadership is also confident that this upcoming deployment will go better than the Constitution‘s 2011 anti-piracy mission off the coast of Somalia.

During that deployment, the Constitution spent several hours laboriously attempting to use the wind to maneuver into firing position against several small agile motorboats full of Somali pirates, but was unable to avoid the protracted long range enfilade fire of heavy machine gun fire from the pirate boats.

“That was the day we stopped calling her ‘Old Ironsides’,” said one member of the Constitution’s crew, referring to the nickname the ship received after numerous British cannonballs bounced off her sides.  “She may have stood up to a 32-pounder [cannon] back in 1812, but those .50 caliber machine guns just ripped her apart.”

The Navy’s official report on the incident said that not only did the pirates’ heavy machine gun fire easily pierce the hull from the front, almost severing a mast belowdecks, but also pierced the ship’s internal bulkheads, in some cases exiting through the captain’s cabin at the back of the ship. Additionally, several cannons were cut loose and crashed around like rampaging bulls as the ship pitched to and fro on the waves.

The pirates finally retreated after the Constitution’s foremast fell on and sank a pirate skiff that was closing to land a boarding party.

When the ship was finally able to capture a group of pirates whose engine had failed, and because no one had bothered to update the Constitution’s 1853 Navy Regulations prior to sailing, Commander Bonner promptly had them hanged from the yardarm.

Other possible deployments by the Monitor and the Merrimack are still in the planning stage, as well as the USS Olympia as soon as a reliable stock of cheap coal can be located.

Duffel Blog investigative writer Dark Laughter also contributed to this report.

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  1. This will work! The Navy has already pulled the USS Missouri back into its inventory to fight off an Alien Invasion earlier this year (as seen in the Documentary “Battleship”). Why can’t the USS Constitution fight off simple pirates?

    • That was ‘friggin’ awesome too – I can’t wait until BB-61 (USS Texas) gets underway again – yep, she’s coal -fired, yep, she’s over 100 – but she’s the only DREADNOUGHT still afloat in the world!!!!!!! And she still generates her own electricity!!!! – Now that is what I am talking about!!!!!

  2. Actually, I don’t think a 50 cal would penetrate the hull…it’s pretty frickin thick! (like two feet thick or something)…so this story is obviously bogus (of course ,it’s TDB). Anyone ever shot a 50 cal into 24 inches of lumber?

  3. KEEL HAUL the LUBBERS! Okay that exausted my navy jargon. Don’t get fancy shmancy, just shoot them already.

  4. Maybe the The Niña, the Pinta and the Santa María might be available, as well. Aslo, we better think about sending the submarine, Nautilus, from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

    • Good Idea, President Wilson. Unfortunately for you, I have already acquired the Nautilus for my own nefarious needs.
      Viva La WOLF!

          • Well a donkey is something dependable and worthy, even when it’s an ass. They are hard working and put up with a lot of stuff in the name of the mission.

            Whereas a warrant officer is where losers find the only promotions left to them.

    • HMAV Bounty II is available – though some presumptive dialogue from the first iteration pulled from the log might be informative: “[Frey] the ship can’t take it [Bligh] the ship can take it vey well [Frey] well how long can the men take it [Bligh] as long as the officers can take it . . .

      • Unfortunately, not anymore – sank today after they sailed it into Hurricane Sandy. Guess it couldn’t take it after all.

  5. Alas, in the slow decline of the Royal Navy, HMS Victory is permanently berthed. USS Constitution (44) recently demonstrated that she still can sail.

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