Nidal Hasan Says He’s Amish In Last Ditch Effort To Save Beard

Nidal Hasan's Official U.S. Army Photograph
Nidal Hasan's Official U.S. Army Photograph

FORT HOOD, TX – In a last minute effort to save the life of his beard, Fort Hood shooting suspect Major Nidal Hasan told a military panel that he cannot shave due to his Amish faith.

The Amish, or Pennsylvania Dutch, are known for simple living, plain dress, and their traditionalist Christian fellowship.

“As a proud Amishman, I must wear my beard in keeping with my religion,” Hasan said today, to a courtroom of military members who were clearly shocked at the new revelation.

The Army psychologist is facing court martial on murder charges stemming from a November 2009 attack at the base. Witnesses reported Hasan shouting “Allah Akbar”, or “God is Great” in Arabic, before allegedly opening fire on fellow soldiers.

“Nidal is clearly being singled out here for his religious views,” said criminal defense attorney Lawrence Gilder. “He is a pious, hard-working Amish man from a good family. In fact, our defense will demonstrate that the Major has an alibi at the time of attack: he was milking 3 cows and afterwards he made love to his pet goat, Walter.”

Most outsiders assumed from Hasan’s name, his parents’ Palestinian background, and his business card tagline of “Soldier of Allah”, that he was Muslim. The judge, Col. Jeffrey Tribley, pressed Hasan for more information on this discrepancy.

“Yes sir. I am Muslim and Amish,” Hasan responded. “This of course means that my beard is two-times as important to my religion, and under religious exceptions in the UCMJ, it is required.”

According to the Duffel Blog’s legal analysts, the case for Hasan’s beard is strong.

“Yeah bro, seriously. He’s definitely got a strong argument for the beard,” said Barracks Lawyer PFC Evan Rodriguez. “I’m pretty sure he can claim this whole trial is hazing and get it thrown out too.”

But some detractors say this latest diversion distracts from the real issues.

“The fact that we have to sit here and see news stories over and over about this man’s beard when he’s on trial for murder is lunacy,” said CSM Robert Altman. “What are some of the more important issues at stake here that many have been ignoring? Well, here’s a few: he hasn’t worn his dogtags in months. I’ve seen him in white socks on quite a few occasions.”

“I mean really, white socks. This son of a bitch needs to be executed for that. Let the Army make an example out of him, right?,” added Altman.

Lawyers for Hasan continue to press for beard leniency, but have said that if he is forcibly shaved, they will motion to dismiss the case on the grounds that their client would be “forced to endure a hate crime.”


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22 Comments

  1. KEVIN! Where you been man? Wait.. how did you get out of the straightjacket?

    Dang, here come the cops.

  2. Now is the time for all good men to come to come to the aide of THIER country! LT , STORMTROOPER , McQ & Co @ BLACKFIVE; OF BY FOR – ALL ENEMIES FORIENG AND DOMESTIC. Is that a mumbling comment? BDFB

  3. As a guy who lives near Amsih and has had them assist with the construction of his home, I can tell you this a**hole isn’t Amish. Amish do not do traitor type acts such as this and they do not typically go to college and earn degrees. Nor do they join the military. In order for him to accomplish any of these, he would have had to give up his Amish faith and join our civilization known by Amish as a common Englishman! What a crock of S**T!

    • Frodo Biggins,
      He looks Amish to me, just look at that picture.
      But, as CSM Altman stated, he hasn’t worn his dogtags in months and he is wearing white socks with his uniform. One is punishable by Firing Squad and the other by Hanging, so the Army has a serious problem. Do we shoot him before we hang him, or do we hang him before we shoot him?

  4. Get some tweezers and pull them out one hair at a time, while making him watch a video of Rosanne Bar on a stripper pole singing “Hit me baby one more time”.

  5. Here I am, just got done with hours of homework after coming home from drill, open up TDB, see the heading of this article, and laugh out loud for about a minute, alone in my backyard……..neighbors (celebrating Texans’ win) freaked-out, they had no idea i was outside this whole time.
    Way to blow my cover TDB.

  6. In a nutshell: In order to become Amish you have to go live with them , go to church, get a job, learn Pennsylvania Dutch, do all this for a year and then get educated in the ways of the church, and finally, get voted in by the church. Voila. It’s that simple…….. so this judge needs to make him show proof he’s done these things and have the church who voted him in send documentation that he was voted in.

  7. Instead of posting pics of his beard , lets post pics of his victims ….this is nothing more than a mockery of our justice system….save us all some time and take him out back and shoot him…..that simple….

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