Ted Turner: ‘Troops Should All Commit Suicide, I’m A Moron’

Ted Turner

ATLANTA, GA – Viewers of Piers Morgan Tonight were shocked at Ted Turner’s controversial comments last night concerning suicide among US service members, but an anonymous CNN producer has informed Duffel Blog that many missed the full context.

On the program, Turner stated that it was good that troops were committing suicide because it showed an aversion to war. Producers, realizing the stupidity of his comments, quickly moved to commercial but cameras still rolled as he stated, “I think it’d be great if they’d all commit suicide. Hell, if they all just shot themselves we wouldn’t have to worry about any more wars because nobody’d be left to fight!”

Turner then turned his criticism inward, according to the anonymous CNN staffer.

“Also, I don’t know if you guys caught on to this yet, but I’m a fucking moron. I’m not happy to say it, but I really am. Pretty much just assume that 90% of what comes out of my mouth is just benign dribble that shouldn’t even be produced in a kindergarten class.”

Shockingly, Mr. Turner then pulled out a .45 caliber pistol and said, “I’ve got to do this, it shows an aversion to stupidity,” followed by an incoherent string of word vomit that was best interpreted as “Mouthwash TITTY stop sign lugubrious coonhound GESUNDHEIT!!!” before shoving the pistol in his mouth and blowing what is believed to have been his brains out.

The local coroner’s office refuses to confirm whether the fluid which was projected all over the studio was brain matter or “malted hops and bong resin.”

Duffel Blog reporters Jay and Paul contributed to this article.


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19 Comments

  1. Anyone who advocates the suicide of ANY member or veteran of our armed services is lower than whale shit. This also goes for those dickheads in the comments too.

  2. If you really think about it, this guy used to regularly stick his dick into Jane Fonda. I think I would rather stick my dick in a weed eater than that.

    • It is difficult for a Troll to understand being mentally challenged, so let me explain using small words. You, Troll, must go home. That is under a bridge, in case you forgot where trolls live. You, Troll, need to go bam bam in your mama, like all you incestuous trolls do. It must be difficult to know what to call your sister since she is also your daughter… I would like to know only one thing. Do you call your sister’s child “son” or “grandson?”

    • Sorry Troll, I used a big word that will be difficult for a Fuctard such as you to understand. Incestuous means you like to have sex with your mama, daddy, sister, and in your case, child/grandchild.

      • Warrants are the soap scum of the universe. They show up, don’t perform a useful purpose, are hard to get rid of without chemical weapons, and demand that you notice them.

        Oh look Troll, the specialist, opps, Warrant, knowed a big word. Gosh, he sure is smart.

        WOLF: Warrants, our lazy fucks.

        • @ WOLF,
          Don’t feed the Trolls, and Donkeys are just stupid animals. As I say “You can’t teach Stupid…”

          • Donkey Ho,
            Are you having trouble spelling? WTF does ‘opps’ mean?
            You really show how stupid jackasses are if you think calling me a specialist is an insult.

            Hey Bro/Sis WOPA! Thanks, you are right. You cannot teach the stupid, you can only teach the ignorant.

          • As for the Specialist? That is the average enlisted rank held by the majority of all warrant officers. How does an E4 who can’t get promoted due to lack of leadership skills and ability stay in the military? They become Warrant Officers. Horah. Parties on you.

            I have met exactly ONE Warrant that was a credit to his uniform. The rest wouldn’t make good track grease.

    • Hey Troll, Go back under you bridge and hump your mother. your daddy stopped cause he’s humping your sister.

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