TAMPA, FL – Area resident Dan Snyder reported today that he has no money to donate to veterans charities, despite the fact that he owns Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill on BluRay.
“Money’s a little tight right now,” Snyder said, “but I think the important thing is that I’m keeping veterans in my thoughts.”
Contrary to his claims that he has no money, last week Snyder spent actual money at Best Buy to purchase a copy of Jack and Jill, which critics have panned as a complete piece of shit.
It turns out Snyder isn’t alone. Current estimates have revealed that Americans spent about $11 million on DVD sales of Jack and Jill, which holds a dismal 3% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. This fact is “quite depressing”, according to reviewers, many of which have said they’d rather hit themselves repeatedly in the head with a tack-hammer rather than have to watch it again.
“I loved Adam Sandler in The Waterboy,” Snyder said, “so I thought this would be funny.”
“It wasn’t,” Snyder added.
In the past six months, Snyder has also spent his hard-earned cash on a set of Perfect Pushup handles, which have gone unused; a Nerf Dart Tag game, even though he has no children and no one to play with; and several expensive drinks on a woman at a bar who thanked him and gave him a fake cell phone number.
“I kept telling him I wasn’t interested and just wanted to have a good time with my friends, but he just kept sending drinks my way,” the moderately attractive woman said.
Snyder has claimed that his lack of donating is due solely to “this damn economy” and not due to a lack of real concern about veterans. In fact, he made it a point to mention that he is the first to stand up for the national anthem at baseball games and that he gives dirty looks to people who don’t put their hands over their heart.
Snyder reportedly regrets not having money to donate to any number of worthy charities, including:
Fortunately for Snyder, the economic downturn he has complained about has not affected him too severely. In 2003, he graduated from the University of South Florida with a BS in Accounting. He now works for the prestigious auditing firm Ernst and Young, so he enjoys a competitive salary, comprehensive health benefits, and free coffee and bagels in the break room every Friday morning.
“Look,” Snyder said, “I realize that I’m not giving money to veterans who have put their lives on the line for their country, because they believe in things like duty, and honor, and sacrifice for the greater good, and some of whom now need help from the people they served. But it’s not like I don’t support the troops.”
“After all, I have a yellow ribbon on the back of my Dodge Challenger.”
Snyder also expressed his “sincere gratitude to the nation’s veterans” and told Duffel Blog that he would continue to pray for someone else to help them.