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Marine Corps

Commander Relieved For Violating Entire UCMJ



Colonel Grant's Most Recent Command Photograph

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – The Department of Defense has been rocked by the firing and court-martial of a high-ranking Marine officer for allegedly violating every single article of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ).

Col. Mitch Grant, once a promising VMI graduate and the commanding officer of the Eighth Marine Regiment, is now charged with adultery, forgery, arson, improper use of a countersign, espionage, stalking, burglary, making a check with insufficient funds, murder, depositing obscene matters in the mail, and conduct unbecoming an officer and gentleman, among other charges.

Grant is only the latest in a string of commanders fired over the past few years for alleged violations of the UCMJ, or civil and criminal laws, including sexual harassment, falsifying records, misusing official fundsbigamy, making sexually explicit videos and showing them to troops, initiating an adulterous relationship and then terminating it by faking their death, negligent handling of nuclear weapons and launch codes, and shoplifting.

These are in addition to numerous other firings motivated by “loss of confidence” that did not necessarily result in charges, but which were sufficiently embarrassing that the Pentagon and armed services wanted to keep their specifics quiet.

Col. Grant laughed throughout the reading of the charges, from chuckling at minor offenses to shaking with uproarious laughter during the reading of more outrageous charges, restrained only by his straitjacket and the wire caged mask over his mouth to prevent him from biting those present in the courtroom.

Officials have declined to disclose the specifics of how the investigation was initiated, but multiple sources have confirmed that it began when Grant was observed with his hands in his pockets before a staff meeting at Camp Leatherneck by Gen. Andrew Blake, who instructed his chief of staff, Col. Patton Callahan, to have Col. Grant report to his office to privately receive a verbal warning.

“Let’s just say it was dumb luck that we uncovered any of his crimes at all, and leave it at that,” said Col. Callahan.  The command initially intended to quietly NJP [non-judicial punishment] Grant so as not to cause any embarrassment, but Grant refused it, insisting on a court-martial instead.

“Refusing NJP was [Grant’s] last ditch effort to keep his record clean by staring down the command over the difficulties of convening a court-martial for an O-6,” says military legal analyst Joseph Baines.

“I’ll be blunt with you. It almost worked. I suspect there were probably many other NJPs Grant avoided in this exact same way. But once the decision was made to go to trial no matter what, and follow the investigation wherever it went, that’s when it really exploded.”

A Career of Criminal Acts

Though the specifics of the charges have been kept as quiet as possible, so many base residents have been interviewed that some of the incidents have been leaked. Each one seems to involve multiple violations, such as one in which Grant was talking on a cellphone while driving drunk on base, then maimed a pedestrian and fled the scene of the accident. In another, Grant allegedly exposed himself in public while making disloyal statements. After only a few days of charges piling up, the local NCIS office requested augmentation by additional personnel to help catalog them all.

“I think once he knew it was going to trial, at some point it just became a game about trying to violate more of the punitive articles,” says Grant’s guard, Sergeant Ethan Maynard. “And I think some of us might have unwittingly played along.”

“For instance, when the true extent of his crimes was being realized, the bosses elected to transport him back by ship to buy some time to prepare for the trial. That was how he managed to get charged with violating Article 134-10 for escaping custody, not to mention 134-30 for jumping from a military vessel into the water. Oh, and also those two extra murder charges for killing his guards.”

“Eventually, seeing all those charges stack up in one case became kind of a running gag,” says Daniel Sauls of NCIS.  “I don’t remember who it was that suggested, as a joke, that we compare his fingerprints with prints on the washers we kept getting reports of in base vending machines. But wow, after that actually panned out, the pieces just started coming together.”

“The next day we used voice recognition technology to prove that he was responsible for an epidemic of obscene, racist, and threatening phone calls throughout the area.  It was while we were trying to see if he might be involved with the disappearances of some dogs and cats in a neighborhood just off base that we found the cockfighting ring, which was being run by Grant’s second wife, a minor he illegally brought into the country as a sex slave and then used to claim fraudulent dependent benefits.”

“But the charges that really took us by surprise came when a procedural error during the vending machine investigation caused Col Grant’s fingerprints to be checked against Central Command’s biometric database. That’s how we discovered 5% of the improvised explosive devices in Afghanistan displayed partial or complete prints. As we reexamined some of the reports related to those IEDs, we noticed they all involved substantial numbers of destroyed weapons. When those weapon serial numbers started showing up in caches of insurgent weapons, the case took on a whole new dimension.”

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of the case is not the magnitude of Grant’s crimes, but the absence of any documented misbehavior prior to the case. Not only does Grant’s service record demonstrate an unbroken chain of outstanding fitness reports, but his trial has already been briefly interrupted by notification of Grant’s selection to the rank of brigadier general.

This soon resulted in additional charges of bribery and extortion, as Grant first offered to use general officer rank to benefit his prosecutor if he engineered an acquittal, then attempted to blackmail the court, then the Marine Corps, and finally the Department of Defense, by claiming he would leak the story of his selection to the media if they did not drop all charges. Plans detailing a similar attempt to secure a presidential pardon from Barack Obama were discovered in Grant’s cell, along with several vials of heroin Grant was apparently dealing to other prisoners, and a toothbrush sharpened into a stabbing weapon and hidden in a hollowed out copy of Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness.

“Well, selection isn’t exactly the same thing as promotion, strictly speaking,” said a visibly shaken Secretary Leon Panetta during the media firestorm after the story first broke.

Several additional charges of bribery and extortion were originally entered against Col Grant following revelations of similar appeals and threats Grant made to his former co-conspirators in numerous foreign governments, criminal groups, and terrorist organizations, but Grant’s defense attorney successfully argued to have these instances treated solely as charges of espionage and aiding the enemy.

The Problem Of ‘Zero Defects’

While the DoD has attempted to paint Grant’s apprehension and trial in a positive light, indicating a professionalizing drawdown period after the chaotic expansion necessary for the surges in Iraq and Afghanistan, Baines isn’t so positive.

“I think we need to accept the possibility that Grant is only the tip of the iceberg.  All the services adopted a zero defects mentality long ago. At first that seems like a great way to ensure the best get promoted.  The truth has been very different.  But while we’ve talked for years about the dangers of this producing a culture of mediocre careerists — you know, Captain Queeg types — we never realized it could also produce something like Mitch Grant.  Say what you want about Grant, but he was a decisive risk-taker who mastered the careerists’ system, and this made him much more likely to progress up the ranks than a timid mediocrity.”

“You know, when you catch a fish this big, part of you has to wonder what else is swimming around down there,” he added.

“Death is only the beginning!,” roars Grant, frothing at the mouth as he is wheeled out of the courtroom after challenging various officers of the court to duel him, resulting in six more charges of attempts to violate Article 114, which prohibits dueling, and three more violations of articles 88 and 89.

As a commissioned officer, Grant cannot be given a bad conduct or dishonorable discharge if convicted. However, he faces the most serious sentence available to commissioned officers: dismissal. If dismissed, Grant will most likely move on to accept one of dozens of job offers already extended to him by private companies, think tanks, and foreign governments.

In related news, Grant’s enlisted driver, Sergeant Adrian Green, has been charged as an accessory following the court’s rejection of pleas that he was ignorant of his commander’s crimes. Green faces reduction in rank to private, the loss of all benefits to his family, and could be executed as early as next month if Grant is convicted.

Marine Corps

Meet the woman who got a kidney transplant from an infantryman and woke up craving Monster and Skoal



CARMEL, Ind. – Third grade teacher Kasie Spyker woke up after a long-awaited kidney transplant dying for a cold Monster and fresh can of Skoal after receiving an organ from an infantryman, sources at Methodist Hospital confirmed today.

Spyker, who had been suffering from lupus and on a strict diet of fresh foods her entire life, had never tried any of Monster’s products before the life-saving surgery.

“I’d heard from other patients in the transplant ward that they felt different after the transplant.” Said Spyker. “For David, he got a lung transplant from a marathoner and suddenly wanted to go running. I got a kidney from an infantryman, and suddenly wanted to pack a fat lip.”

Spyker’s friends and family had raised over $20,000 to help pay for the transplant surgery and recovery. They were thrilled to learn that she’d be getting a kidney from a young infantryman at the peak of physical fitness after he died suddenly in a freak motorcycle airbrushing accident. They now hope to raise money for the Dodge Charger payments the soldier left behind.

“I feel like a new woman,” said Spyker, drawing out a fresh new tattoo to commemorate the transplant. “I’m so thankful for this new lease on life. I can’t wait until I’m out of this hospital gown and can go buy some new affliction t-shirts and axe body spray.”

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting




ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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Marine Corps

The ten most mind-blowing lines from Lieutenant Smith’s latest operations order



If you didn’t see it yourself, today’s five paragraph mission plan delivered by 2nd Lt. Smith was an absolute doozy. Here are ten of the most outrageous comments, annotated by SAW gunner PFC Ryan Joseph.

1. “Hey men, how’s everyone doing?” It has been well documented that Smith gives 0.0 fucks about anyone in this platoon.

2. “We’ve got a good mission to accomplish today.” Clearly Smith is already well versed in the officer skill of blindly saying yes to anything that comes down the pike, but come on, we all know this mission is garbage.

3. “We have reliable intelligence that the enemy is in a weakened state as the fighting season draws to a close.” Oh, really? Does ‘a weakened state’ simply mean that the local men might not pick up their weapons for the next few months, but then again they might? If so then, yes, weakened, we agree.

4. “Most dangerous course of action is that the enemy masses a fire team-plus and synchronizes small arms fire with the detonation of an improvised explosive device, which we will overcome with fire superiority.” Wrong. We would have accepted “enemy masses hundreds of fighters, synchronizes small arms, heavy machine gun and indirect fire to isolate and capture or kill one of our elements” or “Afghan ‘partner’ guns us all down before we leave the wire.”

5. “Order of movement will be second squad followed by third, then first.” Fuck, why is second always first? I mean, we know that the first squad leader has the navigational capability of, well, you, but come on!

6. “We’ll have a quick shura with the local elders.” There is no such thing as a quick shura. There is a shura where you politely talk about nothing for five hours and then they lie to you about what you need to know. There is also the abbreviated four hour version where they think you’re rude for cutting small talk short before asking them where the fuck the bad guys are.

7. “Gather intelligence on enemy disposition.” See above. We will gather lies and / or meaningless phrases from the men who would be fighting us themselves were they able-bodied.

8. “Our Afghan partners will clear all buildings prior to our entering the village.” There’s a recipe for success!

9. “We’ll need to make sure we initiate our movement back to base while we still have daylight.” WHY???

10. “Has anyone seen NODs? Things are green when you look through them.” OMG I can’t.

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Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time



JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Marine Corps

God forgets to capitalize ‘Marine’



HEAVEN — Sources reported today that supreme Judeo-Christian deity God allegedly forgot to capitalize “Marine,” adding that the blunder was His “most egregious oversight since the creation of the mosquito, or maybe the e-cigarette — who knows — they’re both a blight on humanity.”

His Imminence had commanded the baking of a birthday cake for the Marines guarding His ethereal gates in order to commemorate their birthday as a Corps, according to celestial spokesangel, Metatron, Voice of God.

“Our Father, King of kings, seems to have had a most uncharacteristic lapse of divine judgement when leaving instructions for our heavenly baker,” Metatron stated.

“Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but I suspect some recent, heart-sundering events to be at fault,” he added. “No doubt the work of Lucifer.”

Indeed, according to correspondence between God, Holiest of Holies, and Betty Crocker, Divine Confectioner of the Cosmos, instructions to craft a celebratory dessert for the guardians of Heaven’s scenes included the painfully erroneous pronouncement, “Happy Birthday, marines!”

“Now, I know [God] has a lot on His plate, and we’re taught to forgive those who trespass against us, but I sure as heck am gonna have a hard time explaining this to Chesty,” said Reggie Sanford, Vice Commandant of the Marine Corps League, Eternal Division.

“Everybody knows that ‘Marine’ is a proper noun,” he nervously added.

While scholars tend to disagree on whether or not “god” should or should not be capitalized, there is unanimous consent within academic circles regarding the proper declaration of “Marine.”

“Jesus Christ, capitalizing ‘Marine’ is one of the most fundamental rules of grammar,” said professor emeritus Quincy Stacy, the Blissful Afterlife’s resident English expert.

“I have no comments for the record,” said Jesus Christ, begotten Son of God, washing His hands.

At press time, Chesty Puller had reportedly forgiven God, the Almighty, saying, “Yea, I am a kind and forgiving Legend, but lest none forget that the fist I wield is cast from the same iron as mine balls.”

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Marine Corps

Marine who says combat is a drug hasn’t tried either



EVANSVILLE, Ind. — A Marine Corps lance corporal informed friends that he was deploying again because combat was like a drug, despite the fact that he has never tried drugs or combat, sources confirmed today.

Lance Cpl. Alex Grayson, the one Marine who joined without lying about trying pot, just once, likened his experiences in Kuwait two years ago as something addictive and wonderful, which he’s pretty sure drugs are.

“You know, roasting your first enemy is a lot like dropping your first joint,” Grayson told friends on home leave. “Combat? It’s terrifying, but then you just want to get back and and get the scores again, you know?”

“Man, Alex is really different since he joined the Corps,” said Brad Greiner, Alex’s best friend from high school. “He wouldn’t even try a beer in high school because he wasn’t 21 and didn’t want to disrespect the Marine Corps t-shirt he bought for himself in 10th grade.” Brad said as he took a deep drag from his joint.

Grayson told friends about his desire to “get a high off survival” over a round of drinks he paid for in anticipation of tax-free hazardous duty pay. “You just want that same upsy feeling again. That thing you can only get from like, ripping the shits in combat or utilizing drugs.”

It’s unclear where Grayson believes he experienced combat in his previous tour to Kuwait, where he mostly checked IDs at an entry control point. However, sources close to Grayson report, he watches Full Metal Jacket alone in his hooch at least once a week.

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Marine Corps

Rubber rifle finally gets confirmed kill




CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – The Marine Corps achieved another military first when a rubber training rifle—more commonly known as a “rubber duck”—achieved a confirmed kill, sources confirm today.

“I’ve trained hard for this moment from the beginning of my career, but it wasn’t my doing, it was the Marines around me and the circumstances that led to this moment,” the rifle told reporters after the historic occurrence.

While rubber ducks have non-fatally bludgeoned countless recruits and officer candidates during obstacle course events, and one forced an entire Air Force base into lock-down, none had previously killed anyone.

The base pool on Camp Pendleton was the scene of the fatal incident. Emergency first responders reported that a senior enlisted Marine drowned during swim qual after becoming disoriented when the rubber duck smacked him in the face.

“I rotated in the guy’s hands and butt-stroked him in the face,” the training aid later explained to its fellow inert weapons in the supply closet. “Then I got stuck on his pack and kneed him in the groin. He went down hard and swallowed a lot of pool water.”

The pool was closed for a safety stand-down for the next 48 hours, though a number of lance corporals snuck in after hours to examine the deadly duck. A box full of blue dummy grenades looked on in envy as the rubber rifle was hoisted aloft.

“We never get any real action,” the blue ball-shaped devices were overheard saying. “Sometimes the guys hold us for a bit and then toss one off, but we never explode.”

As of press time, the rifle was reportedly considering writing a book about the historic occasion titled “Rubber Ducky: Born to Kill.”

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.



ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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