BETHESDA, MD – A group of elderly World War II veterans at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center have written a letter to the Federal Election Commission asking them to explain the presence of German Field Marshal Erwin “Mitt” Rommel on this year’s election ballot.
“While we applaud the American people for their willingness to vote for a centenarian, particularly a decorated war hero who turns 121 this month, we have serious questions about Mr. Rommel’s eligibility to be president and precisely what his platform consists of.”
Rommel, popularly known as ‘The Desert Fox’, was a German commander in World War II and died in 1944. He has nothing in common with actual presidential candidate Mitt Romney, other than an obsession with Benghazi, Libya, and his universal healthcare program: Rommelcare.
The letter goes on to demand that Mr. Rommel produce a birth certificate showing his eligibility to serve as president, per Article II of the Constitution, as well as charges that he may have been involved in certain Nazi activities in the past, specifically the conquest of North Africa.
However, despite the strident tone of the letter, a series of interviews conducted by Duffel Blog reporters at Bethesda Naval Medical Center have revealed sharp divides in the pro- and anti-Rommel groups.
“All I’ve been hearing on the radio for the past six months is ‘Rommel this’ and ‘Rommel that’,” complained D-Day veteran Jackson Webb. “That magnificent bastard, people must have read his book!”
“Most people don’t know that eight out of our first nine presidents were not only born in a foreign country, but even swore allegiance to a foreign king, yet were allowed to take the oath of office,” said Ken Webster, a 92 years-young veteran of both Sicily and Anzio.
Alexander Ness, who fought in World War II, Korea and Vietnam and was strangely shot in the foot each time, chimed in that George Washington had even served as an officer in a foreign army, actions which should have automatically led to his citizenship being revoked.
“I don’t see why Rommel should be held to a higher standard than George Washington,” Ness added. “Plus anybody would be better than our current president.”
Anthony Laurito, who briefly served under General Patton before being hospitalized for a series of slap-induced concussions, said he wasn’t planning on voting for Rommel.
“My grandson was telling me Rommel wants to strengthen ties with ‘our traditional allies like Japan’. Doesn’t he know that Japan makes up just one part of what I like to call the ‘Axis of Evil’, like Iran, Iraq and North Korea? And all this talk about having less ships than we did in 1917? Maybe if he brought it up to present-day 1945 levels I would at least consider voting for him.”
“That’s why I’m voting for President Osama.”