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Marine Corps

Controversy Surrounds Gay Marine’s ‘Make Him Famous’ Text Message To Platoon

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Screenshot from one Marine's iPhone
Screenshot from one Marine’s iPhone

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – San Francisco-based Semper Pink, the premier advocacy organization for gay infantry Marines, is once again rallying its supporters after an incident that took place in Camp Pendleton’s 62 area, and what some insiders are calling one of the most controversial cases involving an openly-gay Marine since the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

The organization has recently come to the defense of PFC Stefan Noor, 19, of Third Battalion, Fifth Marine Regiment.

“I can’t believe they fucked me raw like that,” says PFC Noor.  “All I’ve heard from day one is how Marines never leave another Marine behind, yet everyone in my platoon decided to blue-falcon me on this one.”

Noor is referring to a recent event that involved him and the rest of his platoon, an incident that has caused a riff in the cohesion of the unit.

On November 12, 2012, Noor received an early morning text from his partner, Brian Pauly, in his hometown of Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, stating that he was leaving him [Noor] for another man.

“We’ve been together since our junior year of high school,” the distraught Noor adds.  “Then this pseudo-Warhol character comes in the picture and tears him apart… I mean, tears him away from me.  Seriously, how hard is it to stay loyal to your boyfriend over 1,500 miles away?”

Dealing with the pain of sudden heartache and utilizing past nude pictures sent by his ex, Noor employed common enlisted SOP and sent out a mass “Make ‘him’ famous” text to all the members of his unit—playing off the common “Make ‘her’ famous” text phenomenon.  Because of the content in the text, it was the first known of its kind.

But while Noor had high hopes of the text making its rounds, his efforts proved futile—no one in his platoon forwarded the text.

“I’m sitting in my room, enjoying a beer after evening formation, and I get this text from Noor. I click on it and the next thing I know I’ve got a John Holmes-sized cock staring right at me,” says Lance Corporal Warren Secondine, a SAW-gunner in Noor’s fire-team.  “I’ve already seen enough dicks to last me a lifetime, because of the nature of this job. But so help me god, my phone is my only foundation of a straight lifestyle, so the last thing I need is dude-pics on this thing. Delete, delete, delete.”

All of Noor’s platoon-mates concur with Secondine.

Sgt. Eric Dowd, Noor’s squad leader, added: “I’ve discussed the situation with Noor. He’s a good Marine. He wears his uniform fabulously, he dresses in proper libo attire, is well-groomed, is respectful, shows up to formation on time, and smells good… but he’s still a little young and naïve about how things work. Just because this DADT thing has been repealed, doesn’t mean you can go bombarding people’s inboxes with dick-pics.”

But Semper Pink says this excuse isn’t good enough.

“We’ve maintained from day one that ‘we keep our unit out of women, so keep women out of our unit.’  Lance Corporal Noor didn’t do anything wrong here,” says Gunnery Sergeant Derek Sorenson, a spokesman for Semper Pink.  “We’re calling on all gay and breeder Marines alike to boycott PX’s, chow halls, and luxury areas of the 62 area of Camp Pendleton.  Furthermore, we’re asking that all gay Marines stand in front of the Regimental Commander’s office and hold a kiss in, so we can show the DoD that our contribution to military sub-culture tradition is just as important as those of straight Marines.”

“For the last decade, gay Marines have quietly endured a barrage of female nude-pics showing up in their phones,” Sorenson adds.  “Some have even forwarded the pics in a show of solidarity.  Is asking a breeder to forward another man too much?”

As the controversy builds, PFC Noor continues to take the most non-confrontational approach:  “Look, I just wanted to humiliate that asshole. He hurt me. He may have been my lover, but I love the men I serve with… and they left me hanging like my ex’s… uh, nevermind.”

Jack Mandaville was raised on Minnesota nice and joined the Marine Corps because of his self-loathing hatred for the wonderful and comfortable life his parents gave him. He's the only Duffel Blog contributor who uses his real name because he revels in death threats.

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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Marine Corps

Opinion: Marines on steroids are all the rage right now. Seriously. Please send help

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – If anyone is reading this, I am locked in the bathroom of the gym closest to headquarters. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but every Marine in this place suddenly just started raging the fuck out, and I’m afraid for my life.

I was pretty sure half these guys were on steroids to begin with, but it had never been a problem before. Today, though, whichever idiot runs this gym put a Taylor Swift song on the playlist, and I think that set them off. It wasn’t even a new one, just one of the standard breakup songs. As soon as the speaker blared, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in,” these guys just Went. Fucking. Nuts.

As the growls quickly crescendo’d into full on screams and fits of rage, one guy took a bite out of a barbell like it was a goddamn Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. I wouldn’t have minded him so much if he didn’t immediately turn and gaze longingly at my leg. A lifter and his spotter over in the corner began to froth blood at the mouth and started smashing their heads into the wall mirrors. They only stopped to lovingly pat each other on the ass.

One of the only female officers who comes here went ballistic with the jump rope, garroting a male PFC who made the fatal mistake of turning his back on her for half a second to piss in his buddy’s water bottle. I’m 99 percent sure he’s dead now. One can only assume I’ll join him before long.

I made it out of the weight room mostly intact and limped toward the bathroom. I had to make a detour through the cardio room due to a fire breaking out in the hallway, and sweet Jesus, what I saw there will haunt me for the rest of my life. One swole-ass NCO from supply was mindlessly doing somersaults on a slow-moving treadmill.

My own first sergeant was using two lieutenants’ heads as sandals while plodding along on the elliptical and spitting on any TV which dared to show a World Cup game. A contractor was swinging a full-size punching bag like a massive fucking hot dog of horror at anyone within reach, and I’m fairly certain he’s the one who TKO’d the teenage girl who works at the front counter. She looked like she’d been lying there for a few minutes judging by the drool.

I made it through to the bathroom, finally. First I tried the steam room, but the mist was already a bit too pink for my comfort. I couldn’t hide in my locker since it’d already been pried open and used to store a poor fucking comm nerd from the S-6. Under the sinks was out of the question – somehow all the electric cables had been ripped through the soft ceiling panels and were sparking near the pools of water.

In the end I made it into the only stall without a limp body in it, which I’m now sharing with the janitor. I’d feel better if he wasn’t side-eyeing me and gripping his mop handle menacingly.

Seriously, if anyone out there is reading this, please send help.

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Army

Space Force seeking applications for transfer to mobile infantry

It’s called the “Cross Into the Black” initiative.

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WASHINGTON — Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command announced today that it is seeking applications from current active-duty Army 11-series MOS and Marine 03xx-series MOS personnel for lateral transfer into the Mobile Infantry, the service’s direct-action combat arms branch.

The “Cross Into the Black” initiative seeks to recruit current infantry soldiers and Marines to take their ground combat skills to the interstellar battle space.

“Our goal is to be able to rapidly field an initial corps of trained warfighters who will then be able to train the next generation of mobile infantry,” said Space Force Lt. Col. John Rico. “Our troopers will be prepared to deal with anything, from the gritty hell of face-to-face combat, to the potentially awkward moral dilemmas that may arise from railing out your smoking-hot redhead platoon mate while you’ve still sort of got a thing for this pilot chick.”

Mobile infantry warfighting doctrine calls for rapidly deployable units that can counter not only Earth-based threats, but also potential attack from non-Earth based enemy forces. Insertion by orbital dropship is the primary assault tactic employed, as it enables rapid massing of friendly forces on the enemy objective and the establishment of a secure lodgment for follow-on operations or beer-and-bang parties.

Mobile infantry units will deploy aboard heavy fleet cruisers such as the USS Rodger Young, the first Space Force cruiser to be commissioned. The cruisers can deploy 32 Viking-class dropships, each capable of carrying one fully combat-equipped rifle platoon as well as four Conestoga-class support dropships stocked with mission-critical supplies including spare munitions, rations, hair-styling products, beer kegs, electric violins, and footballs.

Units are gender-integrated, which eases logistical and supply-chain burdens for field shower units, portable tents, personal prophylactic kits, and other sustainment provisions.

The Space Force is offering transfer bonuses of up to $20,000 for service experience of eight years or more, or the equivalent qualifying time and unlocked achievements in a candidate’s online gamer profile, as an incentive to lure experienced mid-career infantrymen away from sister services.

Applicants should have a GT score of 110 or greater on the ASVAB. Scores down to 50 are waiverable if the applicant has less than 12% body fat and flexible sexual standards.

Would you like to know more?  Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command says interested parties should visit its website for more information.

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Air Force

Pentagon celebrates first successful F-35 crash in South Carolina

The downing of an F-35 out of Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

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f35 crash

BEAUFORT, S.C. — The Pentagon is hailing the first successful crash of an F-35 fighter in South Carolina, sources confirmed today.

Though officials cautioned that they were still hoping for a successful crash under combat conditions, the downing of an F-35 out of Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

The pilot ejected and was being evaluated by medical personnel and the F-35 program office for insight into whether officials could credit the pilot or Lockheed Martin for the aircraft hitting its most recent milestone. The crash came just one day after a different F-35B conducted its first combat strike in Afghanistan against an important enemy weapons cache of AK-47’s and RPG’s, costing the Pentagon only about $150,000 in spent munitions and aircraft flight hours.

“Just as the F-35 secretly outperformed the A-10 in a close air support role in the past, this aircraft has shown it is far better suited at crashing than the F-16,” said Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn Hewson.

The crash was considered by the Marine Corps as a “total loss” of the aircraft. Military analysts have also used that language to describe the F-35 program’s budget.

The Pentagon intends to buy more than 2,400 of the jets at a cost of the military budgets of China and Russia combined, or $406 billion.

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Air Force

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

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edwin starr

LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Marine Corps

Opinion: I am very tired

By Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps

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Good Morning, Marines.

As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life’s greatest joys.

However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.

I’m just exhausted. I’ve been doing this shit since 1975, and I’ve got to tell you, man, I’m pooped. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I’m really not sure.

I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can’t let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?

Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who’s like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn’t a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I’m fucking tracking.

But you assholes — and I’m speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for… I don’t know… the next three hours.

Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.

Bottom line, Marines: It’s not easy at the top.

So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you’ve earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I’m in the fucking Global.

Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn’t had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.

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Marine Corps

Report: Camp Lejeune Marines sandbagged during their sandbagging mission

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https://www.flickr.com/photos/marine_corps/9968157265

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marines at Camp Lejeune and the surrounding area were totally sandbagging during their mission to sandbag areas of the base in preparation for the hurricane, sources confirmed today.

“I don’t even freaking know why we’re out here, man,” said Lance Cpl. Allen Jones, an ammunition specialist with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, taking his 17th smoke break earlier this week.

“You honestly are going to sit there and tell me a 30-pound sandbag is going to stop a freaking hurricane? I’m no general or meteorologist, but we’re all fucked for sure.”

Hurricane Florence is expected to cause massive flooding over the weekend near Camp Lejeune and its surrounding areas. Potential flooding led Brig. Gen. Julian D. Alford, the commanding general of Camp Lejeune, to order the filling and stacking of sandbags around mission-critical structures on-post, as well as within the local community.

“Since 1941, this base and its Marines have been postured to deal with crises at home and abroad and Hurricane Florence is no exception,” Alford said, adding that Marines needed something to do to distract them from attempting to jump off their 3rd floor balconies while tied to a poncho liner with 550 cord.

“I joined the Marines to serve my country and I guess stacking sandbags is part of it, as much as I don’t want to be out here,” said Pfc. James Ramirez, a supply clerk with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines. “I mean it’s just a hurricane, like we’ll be fine, even if the mission fails, right?”

When asked about the larger impact of the sandbagging mission, Ramirez rolled his eyes, and started to fill what would actually be his only sandbag of the day.

“I’m over this shit,” he said as he threw his shovel into a large sand pile and lit up another cigarette.

As of Saturday morning, an estimated zero buildings on Camp Lejeune had been effectively sandbagged, even with the entire battalion working since Wednesday.

Still, Jones and his fellow squad members were able to sandbag three nearby strip clubs, two bars, and six tattoo parlors, all in under an hour.

“I’ll be damned if a hurricane is going to take away where I spend my weekends,” Jones said. “Don’t ever tell me I haven’t sacrificed for my country.”

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Marine Corps

Marines mop parking lot in preparation for VIP hurricane

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marine-mopping

CAMP LEJEUNE — With a very important Category 4 hurricane charging towards the eastern seaboard, Marine leaders are instructing barracks residents to present a sterling image, which includes a total clean-up of the inside of their rooms and mopping of the parking lots, sources confirmed today.

“This very impressive hurricane could get a lot of TV coverage, and we can’t have the world seeing a dirty parking lot outside the barracks when the cameras start rolling,” Sgt. Maj. Charles A. Metzger, the base sergeant major, told reporters. “I mean, how ridiculous would that make us look?”

The list of preparatory tasks also includes mowing the dirt and painting gravel.

Metzger emphasized that these tasks were in the best interests of the Marines.

“Everyone knows that a Marine off duty will only get into trouble,” he noted while watching a grown man on his hands and knees pull pieces of broken glass from under a bush. “Even though I can’t imagine why Marines would ever need to drink or mentally escape with a career this good.”

At press time, Marines were being instructed to use dustpans for bailing water into the barracks showers to keep the parking lot dry during the storm.

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