MANAMA, BAHRAIN – In a move sure to send a strong message to Iran, the US Navy has kicked off the opening stages of Operation Hawk Thunder, an expensive, pointless exercise in the Persian Gulf with no real objective, sources confirmed today.
“Operation Hawk Thunder will show Iran that the US Navy maintains a strong presence in the Gulf,” Rear Admiral William DeMark said. “There is nothing the Iranians fear more than a bunch of ships doing circles in the ocean and returning to port. Ships from twelve nations will be joining us, so we won’t be the only country wasting fuel in this time of economic hardship.”
Operation Hawk Thunder will consist of three parts. First, the ships from all the nations will be docked in Manama, Bahrain. Officers from each ship will tour the others, look around, and nod with respect. Second, the ships will sail in formation out into the Persian Gulf and circle around for a week. Finally, they will return to Bahrain and hold a dinner celebration for a job well done.
“We’ll invite news crews onboard when the ships return to Bahrain,” DeMark said. “When they get there we’ll talk about how this exercise was a great success and helped bolster international relations, but we won’t say how. OPSEC.”
“I’m sure we’ll do a war game while we’re out there,” Commander Rick Owens, Captain of USS Porter said. “Normally we split up into two teams, red and blue. We’ll sail around until we get close to another ship. At that point someone on the bridge asks if they’re good or bad, then we wonder if they’re playing. We find out when they start flashing ‘GUN’ in Morse code at us. Then we put our engines at all stop and wait until they sail away. Trust me, Iran will be terrified.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to speak about Hawk Thunder,” Electrician’s Mate Second Class Sarah Waters said when asked for comment. “Yesterday two sailors were sent to mast for emailing their families where we were. The Captain takes OPSEC violations very seriously.”
After speaking she tuned her radio to a local station, where a Public Affairs officer was explaining every aspect of the operation for the citizens of Bahrain.