NEW YORK, NY – Famed television personality Bill O’Reilly is in critical condition today at a New York City hospital after being wounded by gunfire in the latest battle of the War on Christmas.
O’Reilly, a political commentator of Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor”, also serves as Commanding General of the Christian Philosophy Brigade, which has been fighting the dark forces of the Secular Empire since 1997.
“The secularists have fought us in many battles,” O’Reilly said in one segment where he highlighted key engagements. “At every turn, we have been able to maintain our perimeter and ensure the safety of Christmas for every Christian, Jew, Muslim, and Buddhist who celebrates it.”
O’Reilly was allegedly shot by atheist machine-gun fire as he walked out of Fox studios. Although critically injured, O’Reilly, who is no stranger to combat, fired back at the hordes of secularists and anti-religious bigots with his Uzi 9mm. The Secular Empire fighters quickly disbursed and rushed to a nearby church, where they kicked over a nativity scene and exclaimed their love for Satan.
“Not only did they shoot at me,” O’Reilly later remarked, “but the bastards said Happy Holidays as they were fleeing. That was the real slap in the face.”
This latest gunfight is just another in a long history of battles. On Dec. 22, 2007, a cashier at a Kentucky Wal-Mart gave a customer back his change and said “Have a nice day” in lieu of “Merry Christmas”, causing the man to later suffer debilitating post-traumatic stress.
Another incident occurred in 2009 outside a Home Depot in Florida, where customers were forced to buy items the store called “Christmas trees”, rather than the preferred “Celebration of The Birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Trees,” which O’Reilly has demanded.
Although doctors have said O’Reilly is in critical condition, they have expressed high hopes for his recovery.
“We’re very confident that Bill will recover and be able to fight on for another day,” said Dr. Robert Kleiner. “He’s been in and out of consciousness, but when he’s been awake, he’s been saying that he’s hopeful about getting Feliz Navidad banned from the radio, due to the singer replacing Merry Christmas with ‘a Marxist-Spanish phrase’.”
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