College Chicken-Hawks Hold Annual Conference, Vow Support For More Wars

MADISON,WI – Hundreds of college students, representing more than ninety universities, recently converged on Madison to hold their eleventh annual Benevolent Institute of The Chicken-Hawk conference.  The organization is seeing its highest turnout in its decade of existence.

As wars in Afghanistan and Iraq have wound down, the organization worries that there “won’t be any more foreign wars to fight.”

The popular campus group was founded in 2002 by Reed Vanderbilt, then an undergraduate at the University of Tennessee. It has since spread to over one hundred colleges across the country.  The group’s motto, “We make the war, they do the chore,” represents their mission of breeding the future smoke-filled backroom shot-callers of America. It boasts an honorary national board composed of a virtual Who’s Who of defense industry executives and politicians. Former Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney is the Honorary Chairman, and was scheduled to speak.

“I’m really stoked to be here,” says Tim Olson, a student from the University of Minnesota. “We’ve got a lot of great minds coming together. We’ve got future congressmen, business leaders, and some chicks looking to find a husband.”

Standing next to Olson is Thad Berry, a graduate student at Rice University in Houston, TX.

“I just met Tim a few hours ago,” says Berry. “That’s the beauty of this conference, you know? Students from all over the country can get together and discuss how we’re going to continue force-feeding democracy to the uncivilized world. It’s a brotherhood that nobody can understand. Plus, we have an awesome ‘Risk’ tournament to close out the week.”

When asked if he would be willing to take up arms in order to accomplish the spread of his organization’s ideals, Berry didn’t hesitate.

“Well, my uncle did his twelve hours in Grenada and my cousin’s brother-in-law is a dietitian in the Vermont National Guard, so, I think my family has done enough time in the shit. I’m just here to discuss how we’re going to keep providing wars for the brave men and women in uniform. It’s really all about them at the end of the day.”

Duffel Blog asked a number of other students whether they had considered military service before college. A surprising number said yes.

“I thought about joining,” said Greg Cadena, a student from San Diego State University. “But I have some acne around my left ankle, so I probably would have been disqualified. I figured the next best thing for me would be serve my country by joining a collegiate organization that asks others to serve and has an open bar at its meetings.”

“Same here,” added Todd Benson, Cadena’s fraternity brother at the Alpha Sigma Sigma house. “I really wanted to join the Army, but a constant sore on my elbow would have disqualified me. Regardless, I totally voted for The Hurt Locker at the MTV Teen Choice Awards.”

Benson continued:

“I want my unborn children to grow up in an America where they will never have to question whether or not they might get called to put on a uniform. Somebody here said, ‘They also serve, who only order others into combat with nothing at stake personally,’ and that really resonated for me. That is what being in BITCH is all about.”