FORT DRUM, NY – Private First Class Martin Purdue, a soldier in the 10th Mountain Division, was horrified to wake up this morning and find that the world had not in fact ended last night, as predicted by the Mayans approximately 700 years ago.
Purdue initially become fascinated by the ancient prediction after seeing 2012, an apocalypse film released in 2009 starring John Cusack. When Purdue returned to the barracks that night after the film ended, he immediately began surfing the internet and found myriad websites devoted to end-of-times conspiracies. He quickly became a fervent believer.
Year by year, as the predicted date grew closer, PFC Purdue realized that his insider knowledge about the impending catastrophe created a unique opportunity for him to exploit. In November 2012, he took out a $200,000 loan at 47% interest from Honest Mike’s Loan and Liquor Emporium of Watertown, NY.
He also applied for nine separate military-friendly credit cards and proceeded to max them out on mass purchases of energy drinks, TapOut gear, WWE tickets, and a succession of high-priced call girls in the Syracuse area.
When interviewed about the purchases, Purdue explained his rationale:
“Who the hell cared about things like interest rates, payoff dates or safe sex? I mean, none of these idiots had any clue that the world was about to end. They went around their lives like December 2012 was just another month.”
By far the largest purchase made was a no-money-down offer on a neon green 2012 Mustang convertible with a gold-plated spoiler and platinum rims from Discount Don’s Auto Palace in Carthage NY. The cost: $65,297.
Unfortunately for Purdue, who spent the night of December 21st in a cocaine-induced frenzy with a hooker named Chastity, the world did not in fact end as the Mayans had predicted. The young soldier awoke to a pounding headache, and learned that he had been robbed by his companion during the night.
Chastity walked out with over $6,000 in cash, as well as the keys to his new Mustang. Particularly distressing to the young man was the fact that, a week prior, he had re-enlisted in the Army for another seven years in exchange for a $15,000 bonus that he promptly squandered on a full-back tattoo of a bald eagle sodomizing a grizzly bear underneath the American flag, surrounded by the motto “Death Before Dishonor.”
As of this morning, PFC Purdue could not be reached for additional comment. His First Sergeant, Steven Brooks, said that the soldier was currently at the hospital being treated for gonorrhea and syphilis, and would also be referred to the post Judge Advocate General for failing a urinalysis.
However, he will still be deploying with his unit to Afghanistan next month.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.