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Source: Most CENTCOM Officers Fail Basic Geography

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CENTCOM Map (courtesy of The Atlantic)
Unofficial CENTCOM Map (courtesy of The Atlantic)

TAMPA, FL – Sources at United States Central Command revealed today that less than half of the officers assigned to the command could correctly identify ten or more of the twenty-two countries in the command’s area of responsibility.

“Of course we’re concerned about this,” said Colonel Albert Hawkins, CENTCOM’s Chief of Training. “I mean you can’t expect an officer to properly plan and execute an invasion of a foreign country if he can’t point to it on a map.”

The officers were given a map of the CENTCOM AOR with nothing but the national borders outlined and asked to fill in the names of the countries. While most did well in identifying Iraq (82%) and Afghanistan (81%) fewer were able to properly identify Iran, Qatar and Kuwait (77%, 73% and 69% respectively).  Just over half the officers were able to identify the remainder of the Gulf nations except Oman, which a full third identified as “Brunei.”

“We’re OK with their knowledge of the Gulf region,” Hawkins stated, “even though we had to give a lot of them credit for labeling Qatar as Al Udeid. I mean Al Udeid Air Base is huge and it is out in the middle of nowhere. They may think the country is just the base.”

When asked if there was any other worrying data in the test results Hawkins pointed out that, “41% of our officers correctly labeled India on their maps. That should be a plus but unfortunately the test directions said to identify countries in the CENTCOM AOR and India is PACOM’s. And don’t get me started on the Stans.”

“The Stans” is CENTCOM jargon for Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and Turkmenistan.

“Unfortunately,” Hawkins admitted, “most of our officers simply wrote ‘The Stans’ over the whole area and didn’t identify any individual countries. The officers that did try to identify individual countries usually labeled them with something marginally racist and insulting like ‘Hajistan’, ‘Camelstan’, or ‘Muslimastan.’”

Colonel Stanley Rayburn, the Chief of International Engagement at CENTCOM, admitted he was one of the offenders.

“Yeah, I should know better,” he admitted, “but to be honest the only time we care about the Stans anymore is when Pakistan threatens to cut off our land supply routes. Then we take all the liaison officers from the Stans out to Hooters for some wings to show how important they are to our regional strategies. Pakistan backs down and we’re back to only seeing them at parties and photo opportunities for six months.”

Colonel Hawkins was confident that renewed emphasis on basic map knowledge of the AOR would be the first step in resolving the training deficiency. “This is a core competency we’re going to have to improve upon,” he admitted, licking Hooters wing sauce residue off his fingers.

Miscellaneous

Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

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CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.

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Troops in Afghanistan heartbroken after Speaker Pelosi’s visit cancelled

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BAGRAM AIR BASE, Afghanistan — Service members currently deployed to Afghanistan were devastated when they learned that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and her entourage of congressmen had cancelled their planned visit this past weekend, sources confirmed today.

President Donald Trump halted the congressional delegation’s trip seemingly in response to Pelosi suggesting the president cancel or delay his State of the Union address, citing security concerns. The bus filled with congressman was stopped at the way to Joint Base Andrews where military aircraft were prepared to carry the representatives to Afghanistan.

“It’s terrible,” Staff Sgt. Paul Morin said. “They were going to cancel the vehicle inspection so we could all go shake her hand for six seconds, but then we had to clean all the vehicles three times.”

“It’s a shame,” Sgt. 1st Class Mark Klages said. “Morale has gotten get pretty low around here with the holidays being over, the awful weather, the ANA’s incompetence and our confusing strategy, but it would have helped a lot to be talked at by an old lady from San Francisco.”

Some service members seemed confused as to who the current House speaker actually is.

“Pelosi? Of course I’m upset she didn’t come,” Sgt. Frank Lauer said. “She’s the hot Puerto-Rican one right?”

“They were going to get an exhaustive, in depth tour of Afghanistan too,” Capt. Christopher Yu said of the oncoming delegation. “The air field, the chow hall, the hangar where we keep the drones we still have control over, the briefing room, the other chow hall. They were going to get to talk to soldiers and airmen who aren’t allowed to leave the wire and the seven Afghans who still have the clearance to come in here. I don’t know how they’re going to be able to make any decisions about a country we have been in for seventeen years without that experience.”

The outrage over the canceled trip extended to the top of the chain of command.

“I’ll be honest,” the commander of Operation Resolute Support, Army Gen. Austin S. Miller, said. “I am upset. I was looking forward to giving all those congressmen my assessment of the situation and my guidance moving forward but now I suppose I’ll have to do a video conference … or send it in an e-mail.”

Congressional delegation fact-finding missions to wartime theaters have a long tradition of effectiveness. The trajectory of the Vietnam War was changed in 1965 when Gov. George Romney was brainwashed by the Phoenix Program, and in 2006, the Iraq Study Group certified the country as a stable democracy after a layover at Al Asad Air Base.

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Miscellaneous

Amazing! Afghanistan’s ’10-year challenge’ picture looks exactly the same

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Above: Afghanistan, 2009. Below: Afghanistan, 2019.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

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Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial

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WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today.

The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm.

Millions of service members reported for duty with a distinctive five o’clock shadow, while fresh faced personnel were asked which brand of razor they used.

Pentagon spokesman Charles Summers responded to the change after reports of unshaven service members worldwide began to surface and reporters questioned if the move had signaled a boycott of Gillette.

“Toxic masculinity is a subject we take seriously,” said Summers while scratching his stubbled chin. “Granted, we are an organization with the sole purpose of killing people, but Gillette says we can do better. So, I guess we should stop shooting bad guys or something.”

Gillette representatives rushed to the Pentagon for an emergency meeting with senior leaders on how to stem the tide of toxic masculinity. After a detailed review of the commercial, Gillette suggested the following changes:

  • All forms of combatives, mixed martial arts and cardio kickboxing are forbidden by Defense Department personnel.
  • Service members can no longer watch outdated 1950s cartoons, sitcoms or rap music videos.
  • Barbecues are to be removed from all military facilities.
  • Service members will no longer be able to approach anybody in a public setting and ask them on a date. They are required to meet their significant others on dating sites or craigslist.
  • Mandatory training on how to avoid being catfished by a foreign agent or federal inmate.

After the meeting, the Pentagon issued a press release thanking Gillette for taking the time to educate its leaders on an important social issue.

At press time, the Dollar Shave Club was granted exclusive rights to supply AAFES PX’s worldwide.

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Supreme Court torches appeal in giant, toxic burn pit on front steps

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Supreme Court building provided by Supreme Court.gov
Site of the Federal government's latest toxic burn pit. (Source: U.S. Supreme Court)

Washington — In a stern rebuke to 60 veterans’ lawsuits, all eight fuctioning Supreme Court justices dismissed “burn pit” appeals by torching them in a massive blaze on the front steps of the court’s building Monday.

The military used burn pits, located in Afghanistan and Iraq, to destroy waste, including batteries, tires and millions of collection agency letters, as well as evidence of extra-marital affairs and bribe-taking from Fat Leonard. The burn pits have been linked to illnesses in thousands of veterans.

The eight justices lit a humongous inferno at the steps of the high court that cremated the concerns of thousands of veterans suffering from cancer, tumors and asthma. 

While liberal-leaning justices set the conflagration with fast-burning JP4 jet fuel, conservatives preferred to dump drums of old-school kerosene. A resulting “firenado” was seen for miles across Washington, prompting hundreds of 911 calls to the Taxation Without Representation Police Department.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg did not participate. Law clerks reportedly whisked her away before Justices Thomas and Gorsuch added her to the fire.

“This isn’t a funeral pyre despite what Faux News wants you to think,”a Ginsburg law clerk told reporters. “She’s not even technically dead, just mentally, and that’s not the same thing.” The clerk then clarified that Ginsburg is being pickled by wine, not embalming fluid.

As hazardous fumes wafted across the District, Toxins overwhelmed both unfurloughed Department of Homeland Security employees still manning its 24/7 National Operations Center as hazardous fumes wafted across the area. The two reportedly became overwhelmed by toxins (or by having to work for no pay). They left the center to seek medical treatment and to beg food from homeless people they used to ignore.

In addition to relieving the nation of noxious burn pit lawsuits, the Court also charred pending cases deemed supremely tiring to the public. The cases included yet another gun rights fight, another suit targeting cake-bakers case, and a decade-old argument that Lady Gaga is untalented no matter how much money she makes.

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Woman who sent 65,000 text messages after one date tapped for recruiting duty

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PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A woman who allegedly sent one man 500 text messages a day over a four-month period has been selected to screen the next generation of warfighters, sources with U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) confirmed today.

Jacqueline Ades achieved widespread notoriety after bombarding one man’s phone with 65,000 text messages after a single date.

“Ms. Ades demonstrated the unwavering tenacity that we expect of our recruiters,” said Maj. Huey Thomas, a spokesman for USAREC. “Her knack for establishing contact at the most inconvenient times, along with her impressive inability to read social cues and never take ‘no’ for an answer are exactly what the Army needs as we plow blindly into our eighteenth year of sustained warfare.”

Despite having never attended Army basic training, Ades feels that recruiting duty is her calling.

“Once I see something I want, I don’t ever give up,” she smiled unblinkingly. “Ever.”

Ades has already exceeded Army recruitment quotas for Maricopa County by 400 percent since becoming a recruiter last week, though her prospects have been exclusively male.

“I signed up for college and trade skills and stuff, but mostly because [Ades] scares the shit out of me,” said Toby Webster, 19, from Chandler.

At press time, Ades was seen laying in front of a bus full of recruits attempting to depart for boot camp.

Don’t ever leave me! I’ll kill you!” she cried.

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Air Force

ISIS unfollows STRATCOM on Twitter after offensive New Year’s tweet

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Offutt Air Force Base, Neb. – The terrorist group ISIS has “unfollowed” the U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter after suffering mental anguish by recent STRATCOM messaging, possibly taking information warfare to a new direction, sources confirm today.

The ISIS move is a reaction to a Dec. 31, 2018, STRATCOM tweet that stated as the famed ball dropped on Times Square, the Command remained ready to “drop something much, much bigger.” A video of a B-2 aircraft dropping bombs accompanied the tweet. STRATCOM deleted it after complaints about its aggressive message.

ISIS released the statement criticizing the video.

“In the name of Allah, the most merciful, we will no longer follow the criminal crusader U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter,” the statement reads. “The images STRATCOM tweeted on New Year’s Eve, threatening to drop bombs on our brethren, was hurtful and frightening. Several of our brothers who viewed it have already scheduled emergency sessions with their therapists. The tweet also disturbed our enjoyment of the Ryan Seacrest New Year’s Times Square special.”

STRATCOM questioned ISIS’ response in a press conference.

“Our information warfare team is examining the ISIS announcement for any hidden messages to followers.” public affairs officer Capt. Pamela Vasquez said. “We’re also analyzing the possibility that ISIS is acting like a big international wuss.”

“We constantly tweet splashy pictures of B-1s, B-2s, B-52s, ICBMs, aircraft of all types, heavily armed Airmen, and nuclear submarines –  basically an endless advertisement of our ability to deliver nuclear annihilation at any place of our time and choosing,” Vasquez added. “If those tweets didn’t scare anyone, we weren’t doing our job. So we’re not sure why ISIS or anybody else is butthurt over our one measly New Year’s message.”

“What do people think our bombers do?” Vasquez questioned.“Despite the press stories last year, military aircraft are know for killing people, not just drawing contrail dicks in the sky.”

The STRATCOM Twitter home page indicates that the command still has over 98,000 followers despite the ISIS departure.

“We hope ISIS re-follows us soon, because we’re planning some great imaging for President’s Day depicting George Washington and Abraham Lincoln turning the launch keys on an ICBM that people should really enjoy,”  Vasquez said.

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Miscellaneous

Payday lenders still kicking ass since shutdown doesn’t affect military

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Columbus, Ga. — Tensions are high throughout the government with the current shutdown, but payday lenders outside the gates of military installations across the country are doing absolutely fabulous, sources confirmed today.
As more and more service members are brought home from the current conflicts, they find themselves wanting to buy $1,349 worth of alcohol in a single night. There is really only one way for a soldier to get their hands on that kind of money semi-legally, and outlets with exorbitant interest rates are only more than willing to help.
“Phew! We were sorta worried about it all back there,” said Paul Sunders, a payday lender that prefers to be called Eagle, outside of Fort Benning, Georgia. “If those kids stop getting paid, it becomes a real mess for us.”
Eagle is the embodiment of the American dream. He wears an oversized American flag suit with matching tie and tennis shoes. His eyeglasses automatically faded into sunglasses when Duffel Blog correspondents met him outside his establishment.
Eagle comes from a long line of payday lenders, dating back to the Civil War when payday lenders were basically the same as they are today — camping outside of the sites soldiers stayed and moving from camp to camp promising the soldiers money immediately along with sips of Moutain Dew.
“Many granddaddies ago, we used to only break thumbs when a loan wasn’t paid. I’d like to think we’re a lot more polite these days. We thank every soldier for their service before we wreck the sh*t out of their credit scores,” Eagle said. “We also started a punchcard program so you get that tenth loan at a real good 20 percent.”
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