QUANTICO, VA – The Commandant of the Marine Corps released an administrative message yesterday, indicating that all Marines would be required to wear service uniforms at all times, effective immediately.
Marines in cold weather climates are required to wear the Service ‘B’ uniform, known as “Bravos,” which include the long-sleeve khaki shirt with a tie and green trousers. The Service ‘C’ uniform, known as “Charlies,” consisting of short-sleeve khaki shirt with trousers, will be required in warmer locales.
Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Michael Barrett spoke for the Commandant about the decision.
“We have several good reasons for this. First, we have noticed a lot of portly Marines hiding those love handles under their utilities. That will no longer be acceptable,” said Barrett to reporters. “Lance Corporal Muffin Top had better get his ass to the gym most pronto or he will be found out by his Gunny.”
Barrett also expressed enthusiasm about the Marine Corps getting away from its detour into warfighting for over a decade in Iraq and Afghanistan, and getting back to its roots as “a spiffy uniform-wearing expeditionary force.”
“Next year we will be out of Afghanistan. We need to keep our Marines sharp and shift our focus away from killing and combat that Marines were forced to do,” said Barrett, “and focus on the tedious garrison bull shit Marine NCOs do best. Phrases like ‘square that gig line’ and ‘trim that moostash’ and ‘what the hell did you shine those shoes with, a Hershey bar?’ will be put back into the Marine NCO’s tool box.”
“Finally, I am sick and tired of seeing Marines in utilities at Hooters of Friday afternoon. Wearing service uniforms will give our young Marines their best shot at hooking up for a weekend. Without combat to help the average Marine blow off steam we want our men and women to have their best chance to get some every weekend. That way they are less likely to be hanging out in the barracks doing gay crap during the week.”
Other senior enlisted leaders were excited about the message.
“By God it’s going to be great to be in the Marine Corps again,” said one Gunnery Sergeant, who’s been with Quantico’s Manpower branch for the past eight years.
Marines currently deployed to Afghanistan have already expressed disappointment with the decision, with many saying that the wearing of shirt stays hinders their movement during combat patrols.