WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new study released last week suggests that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can not only be cured through copious amounts of alcohol consumption, but over the long term actually leads to increased sexual performance.
The study “PABST and PTSD” was published in the Anals of Infantry Medisin, a publication sponsored by the Textbooks of Military Medicine and Anheuser-Busch inBev. It has already been endorsed by the Surgeon General of the United States and the Food and Drug Administration.
Drawing on eleven years of surveys conducted on U.S. service-members returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, the study measured test subjects in several categories: mental stability, physical prowess, marital and family life, job retention, and high-speed stunt driving.
“No matter what category we looked at, people suffering from PTSD who drank heavily scored at the top of the charts over all other types of veterans and many other civilians,” said Dr. William Beasley, an Army physician at the Tripler Army Medical Center.
The main reason, according to the study, is alcohol’s remarkable inhibitor on what are popularly called “lifestyle choices.” For example, while many people are unable or unwilling to properly exercise, one PTSD-afflicted veteran was observed one night running naked through the streets of Tampa for at least seven hours. This is well above and beyond the Surgeon General’s recommended two and a half weekly exercise hours.
Dr. Tyler Smith, a psychiatrist at Bethesda Naval Medical Center, said he’s seen similar improvements on employment.
“One of our reservist JAG officers was having trouble dealing with an IED attack that wounded him and killed his best friend. But with copious amounts of alcohol, as well as us repeatedly reminding him that failure would be just like letting his dead friend down again, he managed to write a 200-page legal brief in just thirty minutes.”
Some military personnel have said the study only confirms what they’ve long-suspected.
“Most of my Marines do their absolute best on their physical fitness test or rifle range when they’re intoxicated,” said Staff Sergeant Alan Winters. “All these years I’ve been telling my guys to avoid drinking to solve their problems. Now I know better.”
The most amazing part of the study, though, was on married life and more specifically, sexual activity.
“My husband used to have serious performance issues, especially after he got back from Iraq,” said Marsha Summers. “But after he drank a whole bottle of Stoli, all I had to do was blast the opening beach scene from Saving Private Ryan, and he went ALL NIGHT!”
The study is not without its critics.
Some detractors claim the study is obviously biased, due to its sponsorship by a beer company. inBev spokesmen have responded that the study was exclusively conducted by Army Medics and Navy Corpsmen, “who obviously know something about the rigors of modern medical testing.”
Others have questioned the integrity of the Anals of Infantry Medisin, pointing to other studies it has published like “Prolonging Health With Barroom Brawls” and “Solve All Your Problems By Suicide”.
Further studies will be conducted on the effects of PTSD and alcohol on mountain climbing and deep sea diving.