FORT CARSON, CO – Command Sergeant Major Allen Gibson of the 24th Air-to-Air Combat Drone Squadron, upon inspecting barracks built for his Battalion, became irate after being told that no asbestos or other hazardous materials were used in the construction process.
Upon arrival to the construction site the Sergeant Major began sharpshooting the foreman as if he were sitting before a promotion board. Gibson, known for his “Old Army” ways, wanted to ensure his Soldiers had the best living accomodations available.
“Is that lead paint that you all used on the exterior of this fine building?,” inquired Gibson.
Upon hearing that lead paint was banned due its negative effects on the central nervous system, which include decrease mental function, SGM Gibson “went apeshit,” according to witnesses on the scene.
“Wait, decreased mental function, we don’t fucking require our Soldiers to be some sort of Einstein, or expert in rocket scientry [sic]. Decreased mental function is a plus in my book. It’s an aid for them to not ask stupid fucking questions when we give ’em orders,” shouted Gibson.
The tour went on as they entered a completed barracks room complete with vinyl hardwood flooring. Sergeant Jacob Patterson, Training Room NCO for the 24th recalled that this didn’t go over well with the SGM either.
“Yeah, he was pissed. He started asking where the hell all the asbestos filled tiles were. Claimed that the building wouldn’t be fireproof if there weren’t any asbestos in it. Someone brought up increased mesothelioma risks, which he countered with the fact that he substituted Copenhagen years ago with asbestos, and never had any adverse health problems,” stated Patterson.
Gibson wasn’t quite finished yet, and walked around the room until he saw the refrigerator in the corner. He began asking if it used good ‘ole fashioned Freon that contained CFCs. Upon hearing that CFCs were outlawed due to its detrimental effects on the Ozone Layer, Gibson lost it.
“Everyone knows that R134 shit doesn’t cool down as quickly as Freon. How the hell are our troops going to quickly cool down some cold ones if they don’t have a proper unit to do so. Seriously what kind of sham job is this,” Gibson retorted.
At this point he began going off on a rant about Soldiers not being able to get a decent VA claim anymore because there was almost nothing in garrison that posed a significant health threat.
He ran out of the barracks and took a fuel can out of one of the construction trucks and began dumping it all over the floors. With a flick of his lit cigarette, it landed on the fuel, and sputtered out with a hiss.
“Oh yeah Sergeant Major, thats Ultra-low-sulfur diesel, it has a higher ignition temperature. That stuff was mandated by law to be used in all diesel engines since 2007. You know, because Sulfer is bad for the environment,” said the foreman.
Gibson has since been held in the Mental Health Ward of the Evans Army Community Hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery.