KHANASHIN DISCTRICT, AFGHANISTAN – An investigation led by indigenous and coalition forces revealed late last night that up to 95% of Afghan Border Patrol (ABP) are completely incompetent and oblivious to any actual conflict in Afghanistan. Marines working hand in hand with the ABP cited gross acts of incompetence, such as “wandering home and not returning, arriving to post under the influence of hashish, not wearing uniforms, and in general simply not giving a shit,” according to the report.
Reporters from Duffel Blog confirmed the allegations flooding across desks in the Regimental Office that in fact very few, if any of the military’s Afghan counterparts are contributing to the struggle for peace and stability in the region.
“It just seems to me that these [ABP] aren’t even attentive enough to distinguish us from the Taliban,” said Sergeant Major Barrett, the current Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps. “It just confounds us up here at the top that we make the ANSF [Afghan National Security Forces] check boxes in training just like our boys do at home, but they have no concept of who we even are or why we’re here.”
The 318-page report highlights numerous and specific instances of misbehavior and negligence among the Afghan ranks. At Combat Outpost (COP) Taghaz in southern Helmand Province, the claims became even more sobering.
In one instance, the ABP collapsed the roof of their sleeping quarters and burned down their kitchen in the same week. Marines watched the frantic, ant-like efforts to save the small HESCO and plywood shack that served as the “Khandak” kitchen. Unknown to the Patrolmen, Marines had been standing by for quite some time with fire extinguishers, bulk water, and e-tools to help extinguish the inferno, but were unable to step in until nothing remained but smoldering rubble.
Once the ABP meandered back to their hooches, the platoon sergeant ordered the Marines returning from patrol in the sweltering heat to police call the remnants.
“I have no idea where the leftovers of our kitchen went during the night. Once the building burnt down I went to my post, fell asleep, and when I awoke it was all gone, as if it never happened at all,” explained Mohommad Sadik, a confused Sergeant.
During a week-long operation interdicting Taliban weapons trafficking from Pakistan into Garmsir, Marines reported the highest levels of frustration.
“So there we were,” recounted First Lieutenant Henderson incredulously, “in the 140 degree heat along the Helmand River when four ‘Danger Rangers’ show up filled with ABP. At first we were naïve enough to think they actually were here to help us, but then they stripped half naked, stole a dozen watermelons from local farmers, and jumped into the river for a swim!”
Oblivious to shouts from Marines that the Taliban were coming, “those guys just kept at it… until a PKM from the other side of the river stitched them all in the chest. They never even put up a fight.”
“Good riddance,” Henderson added.
At press time, TDB investigators were looking into a follow-on study suggesting that up to 65% of Afghan National Army (ANA) are unaware of the Taliban or the War on Terror.