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Pentagon

Typo Leads To Creation Of $179 Million Gorilla Warfare Program

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Gorilla Warfare

CRESCENT CITY, CA — The Department of Defense has confirmed accusations that a $179 million military training program for mountain gorillas was created based on a spelling error in an email between two high ranking Army officers, according to official sources. The admission follows over a year of denials, which were originally sparked by a leaked copy of the email from an anonymous whistleblower.

“As these large wars end and we refocus on the possibility of proxy wars with China over resources and influence in the Pacific, South America, and Africa, we need to think about putting a small scale Green Beret-like capability in at least a few of our regular infantry battalions,” the email begins.

“This is partly just a recruiting ploy to put in the commercials, but it would also identify local talent that we could pull out of gen pop and send to Camp Mackall or the Rangers. God bless the SEALs and Marines, but they’re the only things standing between the goddamn Navy and total irrelevancy. Screw [the Goldwater-Nichols Act of 1986], we need more special forces and shock troops to price them out of the market. To stand up that kind of capability, we’ll need to budget for a new gorilla [sic] warfare program.”

The email soon came to the attention of Admiral William McRaven, commander of the U.S. Special Operations Command.  Unfortunately, the email seems to have only been forwarded in part, and McRaven saw just the final three sentences, which he forwarded to Chief of Naval Operations ADM Jonathan Greenert. A week later, Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, accompanied by ADM Greenert and caged silverback mountain gorilla Ojore, publicly announced that the Navy’s Marine Mammal Program would, “like the Navy SEALs and Marines, now expand to cover threats on sea, air, and land, and in any clime and place,” a statement now believed to have been intended to provoke the Army based on Mabus’ mistaken impression of the email.

Despite originally having no interest in actual gorillas, the Army complained that the Navy had no business in what was logically an Army mission, since there was nothing aquatic about gorillas. The Navy, concerned that they might be completely shut out of the military gorilla field, responded that ‘marine mammal’ was a description of the animals’ training, not their natural habitat, and threatened to press for takeover of the Army’s working dog program since the Army routinely teaches their dogs how to swim. Following a period of bitter bureaucratic infighting, the Army grudgingly backed down and created their own gorilla program with a similar level of funding.

A compromise between the two services was negotiated soon after by Rep. Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) of the House Ways and Means Committee, an Army veteran and a “strong believer in the military gorilla concept.”  Thompson’s compromise produced the Joint Military Gorilla Program (JMGP), which combined the Army and Navy’s gorilla programs in a single $100M facility headquartered outside Crescent City, CA, and also created a prestigious liaison billet for an Air Force officer.

The location of the facility in what was then Thompson’s home district led to allegations of corruption and pork-barrel spending, at which point WikiLeaks received and published the original email along with several hundred related emails from later in the project’s development. The scandal died down when JMGP spokesman and head primatologist Dr. Warren Reed explained that California’s 1st District contained one of only a few cloud forest habitats in the U.S., which was vital for proper gorilla research, and that this, combined with factors such as proximity to the ocean and other regional military facilities, made it the only possible choice.

The story then faded until a sharp-eyed reader, outspoken military reformer Colonel Roy Casey, USAF (Ret.), looked at the initial email, realized the misunderstanding, and posted the entire story on his blog, which was soon picked up by both WIRED and Foreign Policy. Interest in the story immediately revived, and the Department of Defense’s denials began.

“I think this tells you a lot about the culture of the DoD,” said Casey. “There was no reality check anywhere in the chain that offered even a single question about this, even as simple a question as ‘sir, did you mean guerrilla warfare?,’ nevermind questions about the number of gorillas left in the world, the difficulty of teaching military science to animals only capable of sign language, or the dangers of handling even a single wild fucking gorilla, much less how those dangers might be compounded if you gathered a large group of gorillas in one place, armed them, and then trained them how to operate as a military unit. People were either too afraid or too stupid to ask their bosses hard questions. This is even worse than the Bradley.”

By ‘worse than the Bradley’, Casey is referring to problems of corruption and incompetence that plagued the development of the Army’s Bradley Fighting Vehicle, and which were exposed by his fellow military reformer Col. James Burton in the book The Pentagon Wars.

Sgt. Ojore, shortly after learning to stand upright.

Sgt. Ojore, shortly after learning to stand upright.

However, Dr. Reed is pleased with the program’s results. “The critics can say whatever they want, but we’re seeing real progress. The mountain gorilla social hierarchy maps perfectly onto a military hierarchy, and these guys have a passion for learning. It took very little time to get them up to reading children’s books, and after only a few months they’d moved on to history. And as soon as Petty Officer Ojore reads a book, he hands it off to his Army counterpart, Sergeant Munyiga, then on down the line until they’ve all finished it. One week it will be The Spartacus War.  The next week it will be Mutiny on the Amistad.  Sure, sometimes they get confused, like when Ojore signed that he wanted a copy of Alberto Bayo’s 150 Questions for a Guerrilla, but he played it off and made a big show of reading it cover to cover anyway.”

“As far as Col Casey, his claims are ridiculous,” said Reed. “The truth is, we have no problem admitting when we make mistakes or have setbacks. For instance, while the subjects have picked up reading very quickly, we’ve been disappointed with their sign language. During the day, they seem able to sign normally, but at night their signs to each other are nonsense, just hours of back and forth nonsense.”

Colonel Casey remains unconvinced.

“What’s worse than this error making it so long without getting caught is that, even when the error finally came to light, they chose to double down on the mistake instead of correcting it. It’s like the F-35. ‘Hey, we’re so delusional that we believe even our complete fuck-ups are somehow accidentally brilliant.’ Don’t get me wrong…screw WikiLeaks, fuck that twerp Assange, and Manning should get ten lashes on the National Mall. But the fact is that this shows the DoD still has brain cancer. Until they institutionalize reform processes instead of sending their white blood cells after anyone who tries to handle reform in-house, they’ll need someone outside getting in their soup to keep them honest. Looking at this mess, you’ve got to wonder just how badly things would have to go wrong before they’d admit they screwed up.”

Meanwhile, outside Crescent City, CA, the program continues.

When questioned about a second WikiLeaks document which claimed that, following a month long cultural awareness course, the twelve silverbacks’ behavior appeared to indicate that they had adopted a particularly radical type of Salafi Islam, the DoD refused to comment, except to vow that they would prosecute all involved in leaking the document.

Dark Laughter is part of the problem, and you can be too. Just type "IKIS" (i.e., I Know It's Satire) at the beginning of your comment on the story, and follow it with a comment that suggests it's not satire at all.

Air Force

North Pole warns of pilot shortage as reindeer leave for commercial sleighlines

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SANTA’S WORKSHOP — The North Pole is in the midst of a readiness crisis as it struggles to fill its pilot ranks with qualified reindeer, who are leaving the service in record numbers to work at commercial sleighlines, sources confirmed today.

Santa Claus claims he has only 75 percent of the deerpower he needs to deliver presents this year, especially in crucial heavy lift squadrons.

“This is truly alarming. There is no way I’ll be able to deliver presents to all the good girls and boys, let alone coal to all the naughty ones,” said Claus. “The reindeer we do have are being worked to the antler, flying three or four gumdrop sorties a day.”

Santa is offering hefty incentive bonuses to keep reindeer from leaving for more lucrative jobs at commercial sleighlines like Hoofthansa. But even offers of triple helpings of moss and herbs are not enough to keep them in the service. Unless he can fix the retention problem soon, Santa says he might have to cancel Christmas across large swaths of North and South America.

“We’re trying to do more with less, but the fact is that’s impossible,” said Lt. Col. Rudolph, commander of Red Squadron. “With this Op Tempo, my guys already refuse to fly over Detroit and Chicago. It’s just too dangerous.”

The average reindeer costs about $1 million and takes 3 years to train, according to North Pole figures. The North Pole needs to keep those ruminants in its ranks past their initial commitment to maximize return on its investment.

“Not only are large numbers of reindeer getting out, our best reindeer are getting out,” said Rudolph. “Donner and Blitzen dropped papers last week, and Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen all took private jobs at Doeing testing unmanned sleighs.”

While Claus increasingly has been filling the ranks with unmanned aerial sleighs (UASs), turnover among the elves who pilot them has also been an issue.

“These UAS pilots are always on the clock, delivering presents to hundreds of houses an hour from thousands of miles away,” he said. “Nobody can handle that much Christmas cheer. Nobody.”

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Air Force

Space Force now soliciting uniform concepts from industry

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Two months ago, President Donald Trump announced the creation of a new branch of military service within the Department of Defense, the U.S. Space Force. A recently released Pentagon report revealed that, almost immediately after the President’s announcement, a Pentagon official named Mr. James Fortran deployed to various locations within the U.S. in an attempt to find an answer to the question that what was cited as “the Space Force’s most significant hurdle in its long road to activation:”

“What will the uniforms look like?”

The report details that Fortran was first sent to California to meet with interested uniform suppliers. Bored by extraordinarily simple suggestions like “let’s make human exosuits with built-in jetpacks” or cost-effective, nonsensical ideas such as “just keep the same design as the rest of the military, you idiot,” Fortran decided to head to the San Francisco Comic Con event for inspiration.

The images featured above represent a portion of Fortran’s portfolio, which he submitted to the Pentagon at the conclusion of his trip. Published transcripts from his presentation cite him as commenting that “they’re perfect… look at how eccentric, robust, and forward-thinking these designs are! When Americans think of space marines, this is what they will picture in their minds.”

Fortran’s portfolio also mentions a meeting with Bungie, the creators of the Halo gaming universe. Details from this meeting were unfortunately classified, but Fortran was cited as stating that the meeting went “very, very well” and that the ensuing discussion was “very, very promising” in the presentation’s transcripts.

Fortran has returned to the Pentagon, where a series of meetings are currently underway to evaluate his findings. The Pentagon declined to comment on any specifics relating to the consideration of Fortran’s uniform findings. However, inside sources revealed that Captain Charles Bunkley of the United States Navy, who led the introduction of the blue type 1 working uniform made to have sailors blend in with the ocean, suggested a black uniform imprinted with various constellations, nebulas, and galaxies. It appears as if this idea is also being seriously considered.

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News

Pentagon buys F-35 with unpaid GI Bill benefits

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WASHINGTON — The Pentagon is getting one extra F-35 this year, thanks to the Department of Veterans Affairs screwing thousands of veterans out of GI Bill benefits.

Lord pounced on the lost funds after VA officials told Congressional staffers that underpaid benefits would not be reconciled. Fixing the payment issue would require the VA to audit potentially millions of past claims, which is just too much work. For now, it seems the VA will simply uphold the time-honored tradition of fucking veterans while publicly promising to stop fucking veterans.

“Lethality is the Department’s top priority,” said Ellen M. Lord, under secretary of defense for acquisition and sustainment. “We are one step closer to achieving it thanks to all you soon-to-be homeless and degree-less student vets. Thank you for service and your housing allowance.”

The withheld money was slated for repurposing to the Booz Allen Hamilton IT contract responsible for implementing the glitch-filled payment system, but Lord managed to re-appropriate it to Lockheed Martin instead.

When asked about the impact to current veterans, Lord demurred.

“It’s a terrible situation, for sure, but we’re in the business of creating veterans, not sending them to Columbia University,” she said. “And just look at all those F-35 capabilities. It even has pockets!”

Unfortunately, just enough student veterans received at least partial payment, so the Pentagon can only afford an F-35 Lightning I½. A spokeswoman for Lockheed Martin confirmed that the purchase still counted toward Lord’s loyalty rewards punch card. The Pentagon needs to purchase 94 more Joint Strike Fighters before the defense contracting behemoth throws in free cockpit cup holders.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert Wilkie shocked his department with a promise that every last dime would be repaid — no easy task as the Pentagon already cashed the check.

“Good luck with that, Bob,” said Lord, “but for now, mama’s gettin’ her F-35.”

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News

Green Beans Coffee lands $3 billion contract to open 2,000 locations along border

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WASHINGTON  The Department of Defense is granting a $3 billion contract to Green Beans Coffee to complete the construction of 2,000 locations along the border.

The move, which was announced today by Secretary of Defense James Mattis, may signal that U.S. troops will remain at the border longer than originally anticipated. Troop conditions along the border have widely been reported as sub-standard.

“This is way worse than Iraq, at least there we had a Pizza Hut and got a ribbon,” said Cpl. James O’Flannigan who is deployed along the border in Texas.

Mattis cast the move as an employment opportunity for the migrant caravan rapidly approaching the border.

“These folks need jobs,” he said. “What better way to help these young men and women achieve the American dream then to employ them in a coffee shop that serves America’s finest.”

When asked how much the migrants could be expected to earn as Green Beans employees, Mattis whispered, “Their freedom.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a senior official at the Pentagon offered another explanation for the contract.

“These coffee shops aren’t near the wall, they are the wall,” the official said. “It was the only way to get Congress to fund the construction.”

Other Defense Department officials speculated that the Green Beans contract was awarded for reasons of expediency.

“Anyone who is deployed knows Green Beans are essentially plywood shacks. They can probably have them all built in a week,” said one staffer with direct knowledge of the move.

Green Beans’ official press release praised the move.

“We at Green Beans are thrilled to expand our business in peacetime. Usually, we have to lobby Congress to start needless foreign wars in order to increase revenue. This peacetime expansion offers a great opportunity to sell terrible and overpriced coffee to America’s heroes,” the statement read.

Green Beans has already started production of a new line of t-shirts, mugs, and sweatshirts that read “I served with honor near Mexico.”

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Miscellaneous

Pentagon fails first audit and still gets promoted to Hexagon

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WASHINGTON — Despite failing the first audit in its over 70 year history, the Pentagon is being promoted to the rank of hexagon in a move that surprised few but angers many, sources confirmed today.

The promotion comes after the completion of a year-long audit where the Department of Defense passed only five of 21 assessed areas, with an overall failure for the DoD. The audit identified significant issues with information security and inventory management.

Such a high profile failure sometimes ends careers, but some question why the Pentagon is not being held accountable for its poor performance.

“How the hell did it fail?” asked Staff Sgt. Alan Hickman, a member of the Army Staff. “What, seven decades wasn’t enough time to prepare? Haven’t we been managing inventories since like 1776 or something? Any moron who tanks an audit with that much lead time should get shit canned, forget a promotion. This is fuck up and move up.”

Air Force Capt. Charles “Butthurt” Butarski seemed to agree, telling reporters, “This is obviously favoritism because nobody is questioning why we failed on information security. Seriously — three years ago a bunch of hackers stole files on 22 million people from the OPM server and the Pentagon is still fixing shit at about the pace of a three-toed sloth.”

Still, some senior-ranking personnel offered differing viewpoints.

“This promotion is completely normal and well deserved,” said a military flag officer who asked to not be named. “The audit failure is certainly serious, but it shouldn’t tarnish the Pentagon’s otherwise stellar career, at least not any more than failures affect senior officers who then miraculously survive misconduct investigations with apparent impunity.”

Kathryn Gillerson, a Department of the Navy Civilian, said she wasn’t surprised the Pentagon was finally making Hexagon.

“It’s part of the old boy network. If I failed that audit they’d send me to run a shoppette on Kwajalein Atoll. They’ll probably hold a promotion party and yuk it up about the good old days of Fat Leonard bashes.”

Sources said that to address the audit issues, immediately after promotion the Pentagon will require all employees to re-take the DoD Cyber Awareness Challenge and will improve inventory management through new contracted support. Several Chinese and Russian companies are reportedly competing for the effort.

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Army

General breaks jaw while talking out of both sides of mouth

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WASHINGTON – Legislators, members of the press, and hearing attendees were stunned today when a general’s jaw fell apart during testimony in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee after a career of talking out of both sides of his mouth.

The fracture came on the heels of the general saying, “We remain an agile fighting force ready to fight and win the nation’s wars,” moments after remarking that “the force is under-resourced, over-deployed, and suffering from low morale.”

Sources close to the general suggest that this injury is not the result of an isolated moment but rather a career of wear and tear.

“He’s been a people pleaser as long as I have known him,” remarked one former aide-de-camp.

The general was only a few minutes into his prepared remarks when the injury occurred. Among the topics not yet addressed was the recent embarrassment of numerous service members involved in a nude photo phishing scam run by prison inmates.

“It’s actually lucky his jaw fell apart when it did,” remarked the general’s current aide. “He was about to say, ‘I continue to be nothing but inspired by the intelligence and integrity of our young soldiers every day,’ right before announcing that he was mandating an Army-wide safety stand down to learn about the dangers of sexting.”

The general expressed regret over the years of self-service that lead to his injury.

“I am ashamed of my years of pandering to whatever audience is in front of me and like a good soldier, I will fade away,” the general said in a press release after the incident. “I plan to distance myself from my embarrassing past by posting weekly nonsensical leadership platitudes to LinkedIn.”

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Air Force

Air Force decreases deployments to Afghanistan to a 3-hour tour

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PENTAGON – Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson announced today that the Air Force would limit future rotations to Afghanistan to a three-hour tour with free lunch.

“These exotic tours should hit peak efficiency by limiting Air Force personnel to groups of five or so. The limited duration will keep burnout low and enthusiasm high.” said Wilson. “We’ll put America’s Airmen on expertly skippered three-hour tours.”

“A three-hour tour,” echoed Wilson’s aide.

The shortened tours are expected to increase the likelihood of Air Force Reserve personnel with unique civilian skill sets – such as professors, movie stars, millionaires, and millionaires’ wives – to volunteer for deployments.

“We used to require lengthy pre-deployment training,” Wilson added. “Today’s airmen don’t even need to pack. They’ll be on the ground for three hours.”

Wilson, who also introduced the new C-130M Minnow, emphasized how easy it was to get out of Afghanistan efficiently before concluding the press conference.

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News

Trump Cancels Afghanistan War Due to Weather

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WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference.

Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere.

“At first, we thought about just postponing it,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “But ultimately, we got together and decided that you really can’t predict the weather, so we felt it was best to just cancel the whole thing.”

“Nobody was going to show up anyway,” Sanders continued. “Most people didn’t even know it was going on in the first place. Hell, Ezra Klein didn’t even know we were at war five days ago.”

A redeployment effort began immediately, with members of the Army striking tents at all forward operating bases and organizing airlift back to U.S. and European bases. Air Force bases throughout the middle east have already set their Nest thermostats to “vacation” mode to save energy. Approximately 8,000 U.S. troops have already begun packing their bags, though even that has been difficult due to the rain.

“I’ve got all these first edition comic books that I brought with me, and I’m really scared about what all this moisture is going to do to them,” said 2nd Lt. Michael Skewski. “First edition, man.”

Although the decision has drawn criticism from many who say that the Taliban will exploit this opportunity to regain power in most of war-torn Afghanistan, members of the enemy forces have shown equal reluctance to fight in such dreary conditions.

“We’re in agreement with the decision to cancel the Afghanistan war,” said Salah bin Sadiqi, representative of the Taliban. “Have you ever tried to plant an IED in wet ground? You just keep digging, and the mud keeps flowing back into the hole. It takes, like, infinite time. Total mess.”

“Trouble is,” said Khalid al Akhtar, a suicide bomber, “I had already pressed the button when I got word that the war was cancelled. Now I’ll have to keep my finger on this trigger right here for the rest of my life if I don’t want to blow up. Seriously though, who wants to die in the rain?”

President Donald Trump has declared that the war is to be canceled immediately and has been looking at weather reports for the last several days. Some gathering clouds over Seoul, South Korea, have sparked talks about closing all U.S. bases in southeast Asia.

Dirty contributed to this post.

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