NEW YORK, NY – Members of the Federal Bureau of Investigation have reported that members of the New York field office are still attempting to target a mysterious terrorist known only as the “Harlem Sheikh.”
Agents were first alerted to the threat after several cell phone intercepts included vague references such as, “Harlem Sheikh is blowing that shit up at the Alamo,” ”I’ve never seen so many fucking hits on a video before,” and “Damn, muthafuckas are tearing it up boy.”
In a statement, Special Agent Stan Johnson said, “For obvious reasons we have declared Harlem Sheikh as armed and dangerous, and warn folks that he should be approached with extreme caution. It appears Mr. Sheikh has been working in collaboration with ‘DJ Dinar’ and ‘Sho’nuff – The Shogun of Harlem.’ Their hand in terror has been described as widespread, devastating, and operating in pretty much just about every major city in the U.S.”
According to John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted, the Sheikh has been known to strike without warning, often setting off an explosive device commonly known as a “flash bang mob” on a 30-second time delay. Judging by homemade videos of recent attacks at dance clubs, some sort of nerve agent is spread by one carrier to masses of people in a matter of seconds, resulting in a reaction that brings about severe convulsions.
Unfortunately it was too late for a platoon of Norwegian soldiers. Chief Investigator Dan Mann described the horror:
“This recently released video shows the incapacitating effects the Sheikh is capable inflicting. Here you see the soldier just kind of sitting there all wobbly and shit, then approximately fifteen seconds later the whole platoon gets wiped out. That’s some sick shit if you ask me.”
Dr. Joseph Gordon Cooper, Emergency Physician at the Johns Hopkins University Hospital, was interviewed to discuss about the extent of injuries seen by those attacked by the Harlem Sheikh.
“Well really it’s just a few bumps and bruises, nothing major. The convulsions the FBI speaks of, we really haven’t pinpointed because patients seem to be asymptomatic by the time they get to us. After conducting a few x-rays and prescribing some oxycodone, we tell them they can go about their daily routine normally. We do notice our patients have an increased body temperature as if they had been moving about vigorously, so we’ve started calling this phenomenon ‘Harlem Sheikh Fever.’”
For Agent Christopher Crane, the Harlem Sheikh hit home. After returning from a hard day at the office, Crane opened the front door to his house and found a grisly discovery awaiting him.
“It was the worst thing I have ever seen. All I could remember is first hearing that fucking war anthem blaring on the television screen. Then all at once my wife and kids began having these god-awful seizures. I vow from this day forward, that I will catch this son of a bitch.”
The Department of Homeland Security has made plans to possibly raise the terror alert level from yellow to orange as a precautionary measure to prepare people for any more of the Sheikh’s heinous terror plots.