WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of the newly unveiled Distinguished Warfare Medal, the Department of Defense intends to relax standards on the nation’s oldest military decoration – the Purple Heart. Under the expanded interpretation, the award will now be available to any disgruntled service member suffering from disillusionment and shattered expectations.
“Acute Rectal Inflammation, colloquially known as ‘butthurt,’ is a serious and grossly underrated epidemic plaguing our military,” Lieutenant Jimmy Chang, Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine, told Duffel Blog. “Essentially, psychological or emotional trauma, stemming from either internal or external stimuli, manifests itself and eventually begets anal trauma. In severe cases, butt cells can become so hurt that they become malignant. In fact, butthurt is the leading cause of colon cancer among service members.”
Established by George Washington in the aftermath of the Revolutionary War, the Purple Heart is awarded to service members wounded or killed by enemy action. The Pentagon exercised “great prudence and foresight” in redefining “enemy action” to accommodate the majority of service members who never have and never will see combat.
“Startling new data reveals that up to 98 percent of service members are dissatisfied with their lives and hold resentment of some sort towards the system and their superiors,” continues Chang. “Conversely, the remaining two percent experience unparalleled levels of enthusiasm and job satisfaction. We call them ‘lifers.’ They suffer from an irreversible condition of their own.”
According to osteopathic theory, the “feel good” sense of self-importance, accomplishment and long-overdue justice evoked from the receipt of the Purple Heart will cause negativity and ill-will to subside by engendering warm and fuzzy feelings of appreciation and self-esteem.
Butthurt service members can apply for their Purple Heart online by clicking on advertising banners posted on Facebook and can expect it to arrive within six to eight weeks after filling out a brief grievance questionnaire for any slight, real or perceived, and paying for shipping and handling.
“It’s really our way of patting our guys on the back and saying, ‘We’re not going to change anything, no matter how much you bitch, but thanks anyway,’” said a Pentagon spokesperson in an official statement. “If you don’t feel better after you get your Purple Heart, then maybe the military just isn’t for you.”
The first one thousand applicants will also receive a free suppository.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.