NEW YORK, NY — Sources confirmed that the F-35 Lightning II was inducted yesterday into the Intrepid, Sea, Air, and Space Museum in New York City. The closed door ceremony was the high point for the F-35, capping off the fighter’s illustrious warfighting career as the most colossal fuck-up in military acquisition history.
Speaking to Duffel Blog reporters, museum curator Saul Rosenblatt said, “We weren’t sure if the F-35 was up to snuff as an exhibit in this museum. We take great pride in displaying planes with a robust combat history, like the A-4 Skyhawk and the A-6 Intruder. We passed on the F-22 Raptor because that was an even bigger piece of shit fighter jet. We had no choice but to display the F-35 between the crapper and the concession stand.”
Seven years behind schedule and a tad shy of 70 percent over budget, the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter never quite found its niche in the annals of dogfighting history. “I mean, who was the project manager on this shit show, MC Hammer?” lamented a disgruntled Lockheed Martin employee.
Reactions across the city about it’s newest tenant were mixed.
“At a cost of over $137 million per plane, it makes the surface area underneath the exhibit’s landing gear the most expensive real estate in New York City. Per square foot, this will drive up apartment values across the entire West Side,” said an overjoyed real estate agent.
“For the project’s total cost of almost $400 billion you could have bought the Louvre and had some money left to shop at Saks,” a downtown designer told TDB. When asked his opinion about the F-35, construction worker Dominick Antonelli said “that’s all we need here, another overpaid, sucky, New York Jet.”
Sen John McCain (R-Ariz.) blamed the delegations of the only four states in the union that didn’t have anything to do with the production of the F-35 for torpedoing the project and ultimately causing it’s downfall. “Ninety-two senators stood to make gains by protecting America and it’s allies with the F-35. It was bipartisanship at its finest,” McCain said. “Now, all we have protecting America from certain disaster are cheaper, proven fighter jets, none of which have any parts made in my district. This Washington gridlock is out of control.”
Inside the beltway, a senior senator on the House Foreign Relations Committee speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “I can’t believe we suckered ten of our allies into helping us pay for this mess. Who was closing for us, the guy from Glengarry Glenn Ross? ‘Death Spiral’ doesn’t even translate into Korean or Japanese.”
As for the fatal flaw that turned the F-35 into a relic, test pilot Trey “Balls” Deap believes it was a combination of factors.
“They built twenty million lines of software code into the computers but they made the head rest too big so the pilot couldn’t even turn to look behind him. My Jeep has only a few lines of software code but at least I can see if someone is about to pass me. I can empathize with the program though, I spent 80 percent of all my money on booze and broads, the rest of it I wasted.”