BAGHDAD, Iraq – United Nations weapons inspectors have confirmed the announcement on Monday by the Iraqi government that its soldiers had finally discovered Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction program, completely upending the history of the Iraq War, once viewed as a pointless quagmire but now seen as a tough but necessary conflict.
The weapons, more than five thousand sarin gas artillery shells, six thousand gallons of anthrax, and two crude nuclear weapons, were located on Sunday in a previously-undiscovered bunker on the Syrian border by a pair of Iraqis who were using the structure as a makeshift toilet.
As the news spread, cheering crowds gathered outside the White House, waving placards like “Bush Didn’t Lie, Even If Some People Did Die.”
“I’ve waited so long for this day,” said Paul Bram, an Iraq War veteran who found himself caught up in the celebrations. “It all makes sense now: I always wondered why I spent a year in Kirkuk trying to keep the Arabs and Kurds from killing each other, but now I can tell my kids it was all about WMD’s!”
In a speech to the nation, President Barack Obama claimed credit for “continuing the combat operations wisely instituted by my predecessor, President Bush.”
“As I said in 2002, Saddam Hussein was a bad man who had ‘chemical and biological weapons, and coveted nuclear capacity’ and ‘the world, and the Iraqi people, would be better off without him.’ Now that we know Iraq really did have weapons of mass destruction, I stand by every word.”
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) reacted by criticizing Obama for botching an attempt to keep U.S. troops in Iraq past the 2011 deadline. He added that Congress would begin efforts to rebase several Army and Marine divisions in Iraq, “whether the Iraqis like it or not.”
“We must resume the hunt to ensure there are no additional WMD caches hidden in someone’s barn or chicken coop,” he added.
Boehner also announced Congress would fund a 100 foot statue on the National Mall in Washington “dedicated to all the brave men and women who we now know spent nine years fighting to keep dangerous WMD’s out of the hands of Sunni terrorists and Shia militiamen.”
In a public ceremony in Langley, Virginia, the Central Intelligence Agency burned all of its internal review documents on the agency’s failures to detect Iraq’s lack of WMD’s, claiming history shows they are no longer needed.
Former US viceroy Paul Bremer was set upon by a joyful crowd outside of a Virginia supermarket, praising his once-controversial but now highly-regarded administration of Iraq.
“Looking back, I used to wonder what I might have done differently,” said Bremer. “But now that we know Saddam really had WMD’s, I regret nothing.”
He was joined by General Ricardo Sanchez, the self-styled “Hero of Abu Ghraib,” who has already been retroactively nominated for a fourth star and is being mentioned as a possible presidential candidate in 2016.
Former president George W. Bush and former British prime minister Tony Blair were unavailable for comment, attending an “I Told You So” party at former Vice President Dick Cheney’s ranch in Wyoming. Local media outlets reported that Cheney had been observed repeatedly firing his shotgun in celebration, wounding 14 guests.
Iran, Syria, Jordan, Kuwait, and various Emirates have asked for an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council to discuss re-disarming Iraq, although they mispelled it yet again as I-S-R-A-E-L.
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