WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Veterans Affairs announced today it would be partnering with the office supply company Staples to produce the largest document shredder known to man.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki released a statement praising the unorthodox partnering. “I think this is a great step forward for the VA. We’ve had many problems over the years with the way we handle cases. I constantly get a stack of complaints on my desk from angry veterans. We’re hoping that Staples will assist us in our endeavor to ease the claims process for Veterans by shredding their paper in a more timely manner. This mega-shredder will enable us to do just that.”
Ronald Sargent, Chief Executive Officer of Staples, also issued a statement lauding the VA for its innovation in the field of document extermination.
“For years, Staples has provided the VA with industrial-sized shredders capable of destroying 650 lives at a time. After speaking with Secretary Shinseki, we’ve come to the conclusion that 2,000 of those bad boys just isn’t enough to keep up with the VA’s demanding schedule of closing claims,” Sargent said. “This is why we’ve decided to pair up our boys from R&D and the VA’s brightest minds to create the ‘Death Star’ of shredders. With our industrial technology and the VA’s knack for destroying an astronomical amount of documents, we see only bright things in this program.”
“I used to not know what to do when the shredder jammed,” Cassandra Smart, a VA employee in Atlanta, told Duffel Blog. “Someone told me to not put in a whole filing cabinet at a time, but I’m not trying to stay here after 4 pm, what am I, some kind of slave? Thank god for the new MegaShredder! All I have to do is hit this big red ‘easy button’ and — poof — the records get nuked. Now I can get back to browsing Facebook and tweeting how shitty my job is.”
“Thanks Staples, that WAS easy,” she added.
Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, an advocacy group based in Washington, D.C., received the news with slightly less enthusiasm.
“We’ve done what we can to support veterans coming home from America’s latest wars, but it seems like the VA bests us at every turn,” IAVA spokesman Frank Hines said in a statement to reporters. “We don’t have the volunteer staffing to keep up our suicide hotline with this kind of shit.”
The Central Intelligence Agency has also shown interest in the futuristic device, ordering one for testing at its newly-formed Office of American Libyan Embassy Information.