TWENTYNINE PALMS, CA – The 1st Marine Tank Battalion threw a party to celebrate Lance Corporal Matt Blake’s marriage reaching an unprecedented six months.
“This is an inspiring story of true love overcoming all obstacles,” said Gunnery Sergeant Jason Watt, who holds the current record for sleeping with Blake’s wife three times since the couple married. “It’ll melt the coldest heart.”
Blake met his wife Sarah at The Cactus Room, an upscale restaurant in town. It was an entire week before they moved in together and Blake waited a record three weeks before proposing. The couple was engaged for two whole days before getting married at a civil ceremony in time for happy hour.
“Guess what?” Blake texted his parents. “I got married! Again! Lol!”
Blake has had three previous marriages, lasting one, two, and four months. His spouse has had four children out of wedlock and is pregnant with another man’s child.
The couple has remained faithful for the majority of the marriage, with Blake only sleeping with two other women and receiving fellatio from a prostitute of indeterminate gender.
“Blake’s a great guy,” his wife Sarah told Duffel Blog. “I was pretty overweight when we met but I lost a hundred pounds smoking meth. He’s so sweet, he lets me cook in our garage. I even got hired as a stripper a few months after we got married. It was a great way to meet guys, I was hooking up every night. I got fired after I ground out all my teeth, but oh well.”
Sarah began to scratch her arm, before yelling, “Spiders!” and leaping from her chair to hide in the corner.
“So,” she asked Duffel Blog, “Can I get your number?”