Marines Discover Actual ‘Arms Cache’ In Sub-Sahara Africa

CHAD, AFRICA — United States Africa Command announced Tuesday that it’s most rapid deployment since its founding was the result of inaccurate reporting and a large-scale failure of leadership.

Marines of the Special Purpose Marine Air Ground Task Force-Africa set out for landfall in Chad last Sunday in response to what intelligence reports referred to as a large arms cache buried approximately 20 kilometers east of the capital city, N’Djamena. When the Marines landed at the location, locals had already revealed what was in fact a large hole filled with human arms.

“The reports were inaccurate, but not entirely,” explained Marine Colonel Patrick McNolte. “We did find the reported Chinese and Russian arms. It just turned out they were the severed arms of foreign workers temporarily deployed to Chad from their home countries.”

Colonel McNolte also made note of the other human arms found, such as Nigerian arms, Chad arms, and Sudanese arms.

“We were a little confused when it was reported there were Zaghawa arms in the cache, which is one of the largest tribes in Chad,” McNolte said. “We knew the Zaghawas were more advanced, but we had never seen reporting about them making weapons.”

The United Nations Human Rights Council released a statement Wednesday claiming, “The UNHRC did not once believe the intelligence reports were correct. The people of Chad live in a respectable society, and would never partake in international weapons trade. We are pleased to learn that all suspected weapons were in fact the remains of butchered men, women and children.”

In an effort to give the deployment meaning, AFRICOM ordered the SP-MAGTF to document all arms, render them safe, and submit a report to the United Nations Security Council.

“We aren’t trying to be ironic,” AFRICOM spokesman LtCol Gregory Yates wrote on the command’s website. “We just want to remain thorough and professional in our efforts across the continent.”

The arms are expected to arrive in Geneva for further inspection this weekend.