BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — The Pentagon is unveiling a new policy banning tobacco products for most troops in Afghanistan that planners believe will improve combat effectiveness.
“We are always trying to find new ways to increase the lethality of our combat forces,” Pentagon spokesman Col. Jack Taylor said. “In an unconventional war, sometimes you need unconventional thinking.”
The theory behind the ban originates from Dr. Eugene Watson, military physician and former smoker.
“Nicotine withdrawal has many symptoms which can be utilized by the military,” explained Watson. “It involves feelings of irritability, frustration, and impatience. In clinical terms, it straight-up fucking sucks.”
The military hopes to use withdrawal symptoms as the newest weapon against the Taliban.
“I swear I’m going to kill someone,” said Marine Sergeant Phil Holmes, 23. “Actually, I have. Seventeen in my last firefight. I think they were bad guys. For the love of God, I need some Copenhagen. I will kill every last person in this country so I can go home and throw in a dip.”
Top military officials in Afghanistan are so far impressed with initial results, they have decided to modify the ban, to force all non-tobacco users to begin smoking immediately.
According to a press release from the Pentagon, “The effectiveness of combat units has improved by more than 1000 percent due to the tobacco ban. We may be able to raise that number another two or three thousand percent if we can successfully addict all personnel to nicotine.”
Service-members are split about the new policy. Those who are prohibited from tobacco use have become near suicidal. Most former users are broke from an emerging underground economy where individual cigarettes sell for around $20.
Newly minted tobacco users, however, have marveled at the benefits of nicotine.
“I should have started smoking years ago,” said Army Specialist Chris Manning, after taking a long drag. “Besides feeling stress free, all the pictures I now post on Facebook are awesome. You can’t help looking badass in combat gear with a cigarette hanging from your mouth. With a drink in my hand, I’d be the Don Draper of Afghanistan.”
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