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Phony Veterans Of Foreign Wars Fight Back Against Military Bloggers

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This war hero receives a VA pension for chest-related injuries from all the ribbons he must wear.

DENVER, CO — The Phony Veterans of Foreign Wars, the nation’s leading military fakers’ organization — representing fake members from all service branches — has gone on the offensive in the fight against military bloggers.

PVFW fired back with a public relations offensive, speaking with reporters and establishing a password-protected blog on their website devoted to peer-reviewed development of members’ stories of their superhuman valor and heroism.

“Because of these milbloggers’ relentless assault on our First Amendment-protected right to lie about brief, unglamorous or nonexistent military service,” PVFW chairman Michael Spurwick told reporters, “several of our members have suffered irreparable damage to their reputations, and a few have even had their businesses and careers ruined, after being exposed as frauds. Something had to be done.”

Spurwick, a former Army sergeant, who was promoted to General before retiring as a Captain, has a long and impressive career of made-up military service.

“We lost a lot of good men out there,” Spurwick said. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

Born in 1965, he’s a veteran of every U.S. military action since his birth, from the Vietnam War to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Boasting unearned Special Forces and Ranger tabs, Spurwick served with both Delta Force and the Rangers during Operation Gothic Serpent in Mogadishu, Somalia. He’s participated in every combat parachute jump since 1967, when, at just fifteen months of age, he parachuted into North Vietnam with the 173rd Airborne during Operation Junction City — as well as a top-secret high altitude, high opening jump from the International Space Station during OEF VI and a LANO (low-altitude, no-opening) jump from a B-1 bomber during OIF V.

[Editor’s note: According to Spurwick’s DD214, obtained by Duffel Blog through a FOIA request, he was discharged from the Army in 1986 during basic training at Fort Sill, Okla., as an E-2.]

Such astonishing derring-do is commonplace among the PVFW’s members, with most having war records that would put Audie Murphy or Chesty Puller to shame.

One such member is Nick Androsky, a former Air Force C-130 loadmaster who was court-martialed for drug use, demoted from E-3 to E-1, and given a bad-conduct discharge.

He gained notoriety in PVFW circles when he arrived at an Army infantry basic-training graduation ceremony wearing an Air Force dress uniform, sporting master sergeant’s stripes, a ribbon rack with over 40 medals, master pilot’s wings, an Army Combat Infantryman Badge with two stars, and a number of other badges.

Completing the look was a green beret and a pair of desert-tan boots.

Androsky was outed by This Ain’t Hell — with the military blog dubbing him “Master Sergeant Soup Sandwich.”

“We live for this,” said TAH editor and actual retired Army combat infantryman Jonn Lilyea. “We’re sending a message that if you steal valor, we’re gonna catch you and publicly shame you like the douche-nozzle that you are.”

Lilyea and other milbloggers, in Spurwick’s opinion, are little more than “high-tech bullies.”

“They take sadistic pleasure in trying to ruin our lives with their endless FOIA witch-hunts and bloody-shirt DD214-waving,” Spurwick said, “just because we don’t fit their narrow, exclusionary definitions of military service.”

The PVFW blog’s primary purpose is to help its members with no actual military background, who are most vulnerable to damaging attacks from the milbloggers:

“Without any firsthand experience using authentic-sounding military lingo or properly wearing a uniform, they don’t know how to craft a persona that strikes that delicate balance of being ultra-awesome and yet still believable, without setting off the B.S.-meters of real veterans,” says Spurwick. “Here, they can get pointers and counter-counter-fakery tips from the guys who have plenty of time in fake-service. One trick I recommend if you’re about to get busted is to claim your records were classified ‘above top secret’ or lost in a fire. If all else fails, threaten to sue. That usually works.”

Military fakery is a high-stakes game, says Spurwick: “A reputation that takes years to fabricate can be destroyed in a minute by one milblog post.”

A pessimist masquerading as a realist who's secretly an optimist. Can even, but chooses not to most of the time. Would rather be doing literally anything else right now.

Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Veteran with PTSD can’t believe he never thought to murder innocent people before

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BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.

“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.

“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”

Hernandez was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2012, and has lived with his parents since getting divorced in 2015.

“I always told him that he needed to find a healthy outlet for all of that pain,” said Hernandez’s mother, Gloria.

“Something that provides a sense of purpose and community,” concurred her spouse, Javier.

Hernandez’s parents were elated to hear that their son might at long last find peace.

“We were terrified that he might become another statistic,” admitted Gloria.

At press time, Hernandez was allegedly floored by the novelty of suicidal ideation.

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Marine Corps

God forgets to capitalize ‘Marine’

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HEAVEN — Sources reported today that supreme Judeo-Christian deity God allegedly forgot to capitalize “Marine,” adding that the blunder was His “most egregious oversight since the creation of the mosquito, or maybe the e-cigarette — who knows — they’re both a blight on humanity.”

His Imminence had commanded the baking of a birthday cake for the Marines guarding His ethereal gates in order to commemorate their birthday as a Corps, according to celestial spokesangel, Metatron, Voice of God.

“Our Father, King of kings, seems to have had a most uncharacteristic lapse of divine judgement when leaving instructions for our heavenly baker,” Metatron stated.

“Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but I suspect some recent, heart-sundering events to be at fault,” he added. “No doubt the work of Lucifer.”

Indeed, according to correspondence between God, Holiest of Holies, and Betty Crocker, Divine Confectioner of the Cosmos, instructions to craft a celebratory dessert for the guardians of Heaven’s scenes included the painfully erroneous pronouncement, “Happy Birthday, marines!”

“Now, I know [God] has a lot on His plate, and we’re taught to forgive those who trespass against us, but I sure as heck am gonna have a hard time explaining this to Chesty,” said Reggie Sanford, Vice Commandant of the Marine Corps League, Eternal Division.

“Everybody knows that ‘Marine’ is a proper noun,” he nervously added.

While scholars tend to disagree on whether or not “god” should or should not be capitalized, there is unanimous consent within academic circles regarding the proper declaration of “Marine.”

“Jesus Christ, capitalizing ‘Marine’ is one of the most fundamental rules of grammar,” said professor emeritus Quincy Stacy, the Blissful Afterlife’s resident English expert.

“I have no comments for the record,” said Jesus Christ, begotten Son of God, washing His hands.

At press time, Chesty Puller had reportedly forgiven God, the Almighty, saying, “Yea, I am a kind and forgiving Legend, but lest none forget that the fist I wield is cast from the same iron as mine balls.”

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News

Duffel Blog Presents: 26 mythological creatures the troops have heard of but never seen

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If you’ve spent any significant amount of time in the military, you’ve no doubt heard some urban legends and rumors related to the service. These might include sightings of various mythological creatures associated with the military and veteran communities – ones we suspect may exist, like Bigfoot or Nessie, but which have never been confirmed by science. Duffel Blog’s cryptozoology team has compiled a list of the top 26 cryptids we all suspect might be lurking in the wild.

1. A living, breathing chief warrant officer 5
2. A Marine veteran who doesn’t post moto memes on his/her wall after transitioning
3. A retired general/flag officer who doesn’t work for a think-tank or defense contractor
4. A military spouse who legitimately runs a small business
5. An infantryman with a middle-class job lined up after ETSing
6. A special operator who votes Democrat
7. An intelligence analyst who votes Republican
8. An active duty serviceman who keeps going to church after basic training
9. A veteran who is actually well-adjusted to civilian life
10. A Hispanic drill sergeant who isn’t fucking terrifying
11. An Asian infantryman
12. A white equal opportunity advisor
13. A black Navy SEAL
14. An officer who makes PowerPoints with an optimal length and amount of content
15. An MP who knows they’re not a real cop
16. A mustang 2nd lieutenant who doesn’t bring up having been an E-5 in every conversation
17. A Navy SEAL who doesn’t plan to write a memoir
18. A well-endowed service member who also has a lifted truck
19. The guy who put saltpeter in the eggs at basic to stop you from getting a boner
20. An effective chaplain
21. A first sergeant who makes you want to re-enlist
22. An officer and a gentleman
23. A safety briefer who actually starts on time
24. A staff NCO who doesn’t ask questions at the end of a brief
25. A lance corporal or specialist who actually sticks around for police-calls
26. A quiet professional

If you spot one of these fantastic beasts and know where to find them, please inform Duffel Blog so our actual zoologists may go out and document them for science. Thank you for your service.

Duffel Blog reporters Epic Blunder, Dirty, Justin Coates, Dirty Harry, Maxx Butthurt, and The Leg Ranger contributed to this article.

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Dan Crenshaw stabs Pete Davidson in the eye, or whatever

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In celebration of winning the Texas 2nd District congressional seat, former Navy SEAL Dan Crenshaw stabbed comedian Pete Davidson in the eye today, which is no big deal.

Many see the response as fitting because of Davidson’s recent casual jokes about Crenshaw’s eyepatch, which he wears for a combat injury, on Saturday Night Live.

“I wasn’t personally offended even though we don’t see eye to eye,” Crenshaw told medical professionals who were rushing to stop Davidson’s skull from bleeding out. “I just wanted to create a spectacle in honor of my win, and I knew that Pete wouldn’t mind losing an eye because like he said, it’s just whatever.”

Davidson defended his views to reporters in his hospital room.

“I made fun of Crenshaw because I didn’t want a Republican to win that race,” he said. “Conservatives are always treating people disrespectfully because of physical traits they can’t change, and that’s not a behavior I can overlook.”

Davidson, who believes that his highly publicized breakup with Ariana Grande should be off limits but that Crenshaw’s literal self-sacrifice is perfect material for weak jokes, has a new vision for his comedic future.

“I’ll be back on SNL next week for the ten to fifteen people still watching the show,” said Davidson, “and I promise not to lose sight of what really matters — stoking right-wing fears of media bias.”

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Army

Drinking eight Rip Its a day could help you live longer, study by specialist with no teeth says

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FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of eight Rip-Its per day may help humans live longer, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Brett Luers, who was both the subject and administrator of the study, told reporters that he estimates he could extend his life indefinitely by simply drinking the patriotic energy drinks in lieu of food and water for the foreseeable future.

“I think the results speak for themselves,” said Luers struggling to stand at the dais while addressing reporters. “Only Rip Its have touched these lips for the past 10 years, and I feel amazing.”

Luers told members of the press that there were times he should have rightfully died, but he credits the heavily caffeinated “wonder serum” with saving his life.

“There was that one time when [Pvt. 1st Class] Peters stabbed me after I bet he couldn’t,” said an emaciated Luers, wheezing into the microphone. “And that other time when I jumped off of the roof of the barracks because I huffed too much starter fluid from the motor pool and thought I was covered in camel spiders. Both times I should’ve been dead.”

“But here I am,” said Luers pointing two sore-ridden thumbs at himself. “Fit as a fiddle.”

While some say that the study’s results are skewed based on the singular sample size, there are those in the scientific community who believe there is a kernel of truth to the research.

“I peer reviewed [Luers’] results and have no idea how he has lived this long,” says Dr. Lydia Brownfield, chief of epidemiology at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health. “He has been in renal failure for the past eight years and developed scurvy, yet his virility has increased over 500 percent.”

Brownfield gestured to a cork board that contained the information of over a dozen illegitimate children that share Luers’ thirst for dangerously caffeinated energy drinks.

“I have no idea how his reproductive system is functioning,” said Brownfield. “He is a truly a medical miracle, and the only thing I can attribute it to are the Rip Its.”

Luers is currently preparing for a press tour to promote the revolutionary study but will have to delay until his barracks is removed from quarantine. Authorities reported numerous cases of the once-eradicated yaws — a chronic bacterial infection — after a recent inspection of Luers’ room.

Blondes Over Baghdad Contributed to this report.

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National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes

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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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Marine Corps

Rubber rifle finally gets confirmed kill

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CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – The Marine Corps achieved another military first when a rubber training rifle—more commonly known as a “rubber duck”—achieved a confirmed kill, sources confirm today.

“I’ve trained hard for this moment from the beginning of my career, but it wasn’t my doing, it was the Marines around me and the circumstances that led to this moment,” the rifle told reporters after the historic occurrence.

While rubber ducks have non-fatally bludgeoned countless recruits and officer candidates during obstacle course events, and one forced an entire Air Force base into lock-down, none had previously killed anyone.

The base pool on Camp Pendleton was the scene of the fatal incident. Emergency first responders reported that a senior enlisted Marine drowned during swim qual after becoming disoriented when the rubber duck smacked him in the face.

“I rotated in the guy’s hands and butt-stroked him in the face,” the training aid later explained to its fellow inert weapons in the supply closet. “Then I got stuck on his pack and kneed him in the groin. He went down hard and swallowed a lot of pool water.”

The pool was closed for a safety stand-down for the next 48 hours, though a number of lance corporals snuck in after hours to examine the deadly duck. A box full of blue dummy grenades looked on in envy as the rubber rifle was hoisted aloft.

“We never get any real action,” the blue ball-shaped devices were overheard saying. “Sometimes the guys hold us for a bit and then toss one off, but we never explode.”

As of press time, the rifle was reportedly considering writing a book about the historic occasion titled “Rubber Ducky: Born to Kill.”

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