Oh Shit, You’re Already Late For That Medical Appointment You Had Today
By Sources on board your ship have reported in advance of morning quarters that you’ve got medical today.
While details are still sketchy, your Leading Petty Officer (LPO) has confirmed that this morning’s Plan of the Day lists your name as one of a handful of Sailors from the command who have to report to medical.
The reason you have medical, however, is not yet clear.
“I don’t know, he probably has to get a flu shot or some shit,” said your aforementioned LPO, while holding up the POD to reporters. “The reason isn’t always printed on here. It’s usually just a list of random names squashed between the safety officer’s note and some blurb about Navy heritage.”
“Trust me, this piece of shit is no crystal ball,” he added, just prior to cutting-short his interview to figure out who was available to do berthing cleaners in your absence.
Though details as to why you’re needed at medical are not immediately available, suspicion and gossip are running rampant amongst the rank and file.
One seaman apprentice from your shop theorizes that you might be getting medically evaluated in advance of your command’s upcoming physical readiness test.
“He’s been complaining about this thing with his back whenever he has to stand watch for more than a couple hours,” said the Sailor, who also claims to be in your duty section. “So maybe the docs just wanted to make sure he’s not bullshitting them and trying to get out of doing the sit-up part of the test.”
Another Sailor belonging to air department has a theory that you’ve been seeing the ship’s psychologist in hopes of getting a special referral.
“Ever since he was within 20 yards of that helo when it had to make its hard landing on the flight deck a few weeks back, he’s been trying to claim some kind of PTSD,” he said. “We all know it’s bullshit, but if he can convince the shrink to get him off the rest of this deployment, then who can really fault the guy?”
While the vast majority of Sailors interviewed thus far agree that you are indeed being ordered to medical this morning, at least one Sailor from outside your division believes that you may have actually self-referred there by scheduling an appointment.
“I think he’s going because we’ve been sneaking off to fuck in that empty overflow berthing during night check, and I told him to get screened before I let him go raw dog without a condom,” said that E-3 chick from deck department, the one whom you’ve viewed as a soul mate since you both met while on restriction last month.
Reporters attempted to get other members of your division to corroborate the female Sailor’s claim, but they were immediately met with a salvo of obnoxious, seemingly random statements that included “Oh, hell no!,” “Dude, I totally called that shit!,” and, “Whatever. I already hit that on overnight liberty in Guam.”
UPDATE: As of press time, it turns out that your name was actually placed on the list for medical in error, but now you need to head up to admin and update your page 2.
