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Predator Drone Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize

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OSLO, NORWAY — The General Atomics MQ-1 Predator unmanned drone was nominated Monday for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize for its unrelenting pursuit of peace and tranquility in under-governed spaces around the globe, the Nobel Foundation announced.

“The prize is awarded annually to recipients who have displayed an abiding commitment to ridding the world of conflict,” according to Nils Droppenhammer of the Nobel Foundation. “The Predator has shown an unwavering dedication to seeking out and eliminating sources of badness everywhere, but particularly in fragile states where its impact is felt more intimately.”

Between 2004 and 2013, The Predator single-handedly reduced the number of opponents to world peace by no less than 1,533, with some estimates putting the number as high as 2,500. Conducting hundreds of missions daily, the remotely piloted drone and its peace-seeking missiles are capable of bringing instant tranquility to multiple villages and/or pickup trucks simultaneously.

Public response to news of the nomination has been overwhelmingly positive. Yemeni tribal leaders this week issued a joint statement praising the Nobel nominee’s quiet professionalism and willingness to reach out to those in need of peace in even the most remote corners of the world.

Amnesty International, a close personal advisor to The Predator, commented, “Predator has helped encourage the migration of hundreds of thousands of previously homeless Pashtun nomads to more prosperous lives in the carefree environment of refugee camps and Peshawar shanty towns. If not for the persistent gaze of this tireless humanitarian, many families would be forced to remain living in bucolic poverty, their lazy lifestyles under constant threat from wicked evil-doers.”

Outspoken American religious scholar Anwar al-Awalaki, a vocal opponent of The Predator’s peace initiatives, was unavailable for comment.

In a statement issued Tuesday, a spokesman for the reclusive automaton best known for his typically terse, binary media interviews said “the Predator is humbly grateful for the positive attention the Nobel nomination will bring to his growing global network of precision-guided peace projects. He feels this nomination could have just as well gone to similar peace advocates, such as The Assault Rifle, Ohio Class Ballistic Missile Submarines, or The Mossad, but accepts it as a representative of the greater community.”

Other nominees for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize include AIDS for its groundbreaking efforts in global poverty reduction, as well as Hurricane Sandy and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, both of whom had an enormous impact on human life this year. At press time, all three were reported to have turned off their cell phones and moved to undisclosed underground locations in anticipation of spirited debate from The Predator’s advocates.

Ross Magee is an International Man of Leisure and occasional Afghan Action Hero. He dabbles in languages and counts among his tongues German, Dari, Spanish, French, passable Arabic and the lingua franca of the world--English. Women swoon in his presence and he is a purveyor of fine pheromones.

Air Force

Air Force dad home from deployment surprises family by pretending to be dead in a coffin

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NASHVILLE — The Seamons family wanted nothing more than their father to return from his one-year deployment to Bahrain, but in keeping with the ongoing trend of emotionally manipulating your children for social media gain, Air Force Senior Master Sgt. Bill Seamons delivered a coffin to the front door of his residence and hid inside it, sources confirmed today.

Seamons made his most recent homecoming his most surprising and fantastic yet, and the psychotic mother, Tara, was in on the whole thing. She recorded the kid’s reaction to opening the door and seeing coffin, which was draped with an American flag, laid silent at their doorstep with two airmen in service dress blues. The coffin had a letter attached to it that Bill wrote to his family in the event of his death, apologizing for dying and that he won’t be around any longer to watch them grow up.

“I am so proud of all of you and the people you have grown up to be,” the youngest in the family, Billy, read aloud, his voice quivering with grief. “I only request that you open my casket and give me one last kiss before I am buried with my brothers. I love you with all my heart and I miss you very much, Daddy,” he continued, as the family began to cry uncontrollably as he finished the letter.

The mother encouraged Billy to open the casket, and when he did, Seamons burst out and yelled, “SURPRISE!” When the family looked up, their father was standing in front of them, alive and well.

The family’s joyous reaction to seeing their dad after a whole year, and briefly believing that he had been killed in action, has brought many people to tears as they’ve watched the moment online, according to Military Homecoming Analytics, a firm that specializes in measuring social media reaction to videos of returning service members.

The Seamons family are used to their father’s antics. One time the father sent a fake beheading video posted to YouTube, only to be followed by Bill revealing himself as one of the terrorists and playing the Rick Roll song.

“I’m going to share this reaction video with the whole internet,” said Seamons of his latest video. “I’m sure we’ll be on Ellen, Jimmy Fallon, and James Cordon in a few weeks and then this whole thing will be worth the years of therapy my kids will have to endure.”

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Nike apologizes for forgetting military monopoly on sacrifice

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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Nike has issued a public apology to the military community after creating an advertisement featuring the text “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything,” over a picture of a football player who is not a military veteran, sources confirmed today.

“We completely forgot that the only sacrifice that means anything is that of our brave men and women in uniform,” Nike CEO Mark Parker wrote in a tweet on Thursday, days after a backlash erupted over an ad campaign that featured Colin Kaepernick.

“I failed to remember that until I saw a meme where conservatives appropriated the image of fallen warrior Pat Tillman’s face in our ad instead of Kaepernick’s. It highlighted how mutually exclusive their two sacrifices are and emphasized the military monopoly on sacrifice.”

When reached for further comment, Parker also cited the success of images and videos on social media protesting Nike’s ad by showing service members cutting the Nike swoosh logo off their apparel.

“It’s a well-known fact that companies can’t bear to watch customers disrespect their symbol,” he told reporters. “To put it into perspective, it’s almost as painful for us to witness as it is for others to see someone kneel during the national anthem.”

Parker followed up with another tweet after his original apology was well received.

“Thank you for leveraging the image of a deceased hero to remind Nike and its leadership of the only manifestation of bravery and expression of patriotism, which is service in the armed forces. I’m sure Corporal Tillman would appreciate you speaking up on his behalf in a hotly debated topic like this.”

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Retro Gem! We found the lost episode where Lassie stops Timmy from over-designing the F-35

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HOLLYWOOD — “Ruff, ruff! What’s that girl? You’ll never be happy with an airframe that tries air to ground troop support that can also land on a carrier? Aww, girl. Thanks, Lassie!”

And so starts the recently discovered lost tape from the beloved 1950s-1970s television show Lassie, where 19-year-old Timmy Martin, now off the farm and a homesick newly enlisted airman stationed at Langley Air Force Base, sneaks his beloved dog Lassie into the barracks. True to form, Lassie patiently listens to Timmy’s complaints about the F-15 Eagle, gently nuzzling him back to settling down with incremental change and multiple platforms and away from over-designing the F-35.

That dog’s a hero!

The tape appears to be from 1970, but certain details show Lassie’s uncanny ability to see into the future and know that Timmy will someday become an engineer at Lockheed Martin, and with enough barking, jumping, and dancing around in a circle, she could stop Timmy from making the most expensive weapons system in history a total clusterf–k.

That good girl deserves $1.3 trillion dollars in milk bones!

Due to massive delays, Lassie never lived to see the final F-35 underperform against the F-16 in air-to-air trials, or go out to the force without its full airspeed.

After all, all those production delays added up to 386 dog years! The tape ends with Lassie causing a disruption by stealing the table cloth under the buffet at the enlisted club, which stops Timmy from sexually harassing a female airman. Lassie then alerts the PJs and parachutes in with them after Timmy falls down the base well.

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Air Force Combat Controller shares the best method for clearing a room filled with insurgents

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Got a room or building filled with insurgents right in front of you and need to clear it? An Air Force combat controller knows the best way forward. As an elite special operations airman skilled in the art of call for fire and precision air strikes, here is step-by-step guide.

1. Identify the number of troops entering a room

It’s crucial to understand the size of the enemy element before determining the appropriate level of force to apply in any given situation.

A two-man observation post may simply call for a solid burst from the 30mm on a hovering AH-64, or perhaps a few marking “Willy Pete” rockets through the window to burn the defenders alive and really send a message to the rest of the compound that you’re not fucking around.

But if it’s a larger space, such as a multi room, multi-story complex, perhaps you want to choose something with a little more “oomph.” My personal favorite is a 500 lb GBU-38/B on one of the smaller structures. Once the survivors have clustered together in the remaining rooms, follow up with a nice 1,000 lb GBU-32(V)1/B to finish the job.

If your target is high value and positive identification is required, you may want to stick with multiple smaller yield payloads, which usually keeps the eyes and hands intact for the biometric analysis during the battlefield damage assessment.

2. Predict the shape of the room based on what it looks like from the outside

The exterior layout of a structure gives away a lot of information about what the inside might look like. If it’s a corner fed room, that leads dead space which may protect enemy personnel from the organ-liquefying overpressure of direct attack munitions, so be sure to place your ordnance “center of mass” on the structure, or risk leaving a few combatants alive and having to call in a 20mm gun-run, which takes time and unnecessary ammunition.

If you have a large compound or a multiple building layout with alternating room sizes, a CBU-105 over the entire area will seed dozens of bomblets, doing massive structural damage while inducing the remaining personnel to evacuate the area and expose themselves to small arms fire from the cordon element.

3. Consider the size of each step taken

When dropping ordnance or calling in aerial gunfire, the size of the munition is critical.

Yes it’s incredibly satisfying to watch a 2,000 pounder destroy five acres of poppy fields and 2/3rds of the adjacent village, but there may be a limited supply of those at the nearest airfield. Bombs are expensive after all. I prefer to just let the [A-10] hog drivers go to town and pick up the pieces afterwards.

Ever heard a GAU-8 tear apart a column of Toyota Hilux’s? That’s the sound of freedom.

4. Once you clear the first sector, move on but don’t flag your teammates

After raining death and destruction for an hour or so, it may be tempting to think an area is clear. However, you see some surprising things in combat. Just because the occupants of one house have been reduced to a fine pink goo doesn’t mean the grape-hut next to it isn’t filled with some really pissed off Taliban fighters waiting for the ringing in their ears to stop.

For more information on how to properly clear a room or reduce large numbers of human beings into unrecognizable chunks of meat, see your local Air Force recruiter.

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Trump signs executive order putting Chik-fil-A on every military base

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WASHINGTON — President Trump has signed an executive order that would put Chik-fil-A restaurants on all U.S. military bases, sources confirmed today.

The order, which comes on the heels of a recent petition for Chik-fil-A to bring its restaurants to military bases, states that the franchise would “bring real American service and chicken to those who really serve America and aren’t chickens.”

“Real Americans eat real American food, and real Americans who serve deserve real American service,” Trump said after signing the order in the Oval Office, where he was surrounded by service-members, poultry lobbyists, and a Holstein cow holding a sign that said, “eat more chikin.”

The move has garnered widespread support from troops, although it was sharply criticized by LGBTQ groups and others who refuse to put politics aside and enjoy the best goddamn chicken sandwich ever made.

“Chik-fil-A represents a creepy invasion of our democracy that must be stopped,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). “Any establishment that closes its doors in recognition of their religion is anathema to American values,” he added during an interview Saturday outside a shuttered New York deli, noting the restaurant chain’s practice of closing on Sundays.

“Furthermore, I will ensure our brave troops at stations like West Point and Fort Drum are not subject to the oppressive hate crimes of a reasonably priced fast-food restaurant that serves delicious quality food the whole family can enjoy.”

Still, the restaurant hailed Trump’s decision, which would give it access to bases in the continental U.S. and abroad. A spokesman said Chik-fil-A planned to open its restaurants first at major Air Force, Navy, and Army bases, while adding that if there was any left over, it might open a hand-me-down restaurant at one or two of the major Marine Corps bases.

“Just definitely not at 29 Palms,” the spokesman said.

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Revolutionary new bomb can destroy $3 million of taxpayer money in a single strike

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WALTHAM, Massachusetts — In the ongoing war on fiscal prudence, a new bomb from Raytheon is ready to blow up the scene, sources confirmed today.

Raytheon is set to move into the operational testing phase for the most advanced bomb to ever be developed for the United States military.

The GBU-60, nicknamed the ‘Budget Buster,’ is capable of destroying up to $3 million of taxpayer money in a single strike, almost a thousand times as destructive as the Mark 82 bomb it is set to replace.

Raytheon attributes its enhanced destructive capability to costly innovations such as space age optical and thermal imaging, a precision laser-guided navigation and steering system, and a Martian death ray.

It is also capable of carrying 1.5 million dollars in cash that it can use to lure in suspecting terrorists before incinerating both them and between 10 to 37 percent of hard-earned American paychecks.

“The GBU-60 Budget Buster incorporates all the latest technology necessary to rapidly obliterate public capital on today’s battlefield,” said Raytheon CEO Thomas A. Kennedy.

While it is still a year or two away from being ready for worldwide deployment, members of Congress are already expressing excitement at the enhanced capabilities of the GBU-60.

“This revolutionary new bomb ensures the United States military will continue to be the most destructive in the world,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). “If we drop enough of these puppies, we can even annihilate an entire Treasury Department.”

The bomb is currently being developed for the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, which has been deemed a ‘natural pairing’ due to the F-35’s awesome power to fly past fiscal restraints and eradicate piles of cash.

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Chow hall coffee to contain caffeine starting in 2019, officials say

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THE PENTAGON — Coffee served on U.S. military bases worldwide will finally include caffeine beginning in January of 2019, according to Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“We appreciate those of you who brought to our attention that coffee isn’t even really expensive and that the least we could do is serve drinkable coffee since we expect so many of you to wake up every day before dawn,” Dunford said in an address at the Pentagon. “Things move slowly in enormous bureaucracies, especially when workers are barely able to keep their eyes open. So, bear with us as we roll out these changes over the coming months.”

He added: “We’ve been proud to serve the most god-awful coffee imaginable — and I really mean that, by the way. Chow hall coffee is basically bong water except instead of pot, it’s strained through moldy cardboard. And even then, it was mostly water with just the faintest cardboard color.”

The change came following a petition by soldiers under the so-called #HurryUpAndCaffeinate movement, which attracted hundreds of thousands of supporters in recent months. The initiative did not just attract current active-duty members, however. A number of veterans of the Vietnam War also signed and supported the petition, organizers said.

“When I was in, you just popped some speed, smoked a little grass, and got on with your day of ignoring orders,” said Vince Peel, who fought as a Marine near Da Lat in 1968. “These kids today, they’re getting piss-tested all the time, they can’t even drink alcohol in theater. I say, give them some damn coffee already.”

Jerome White, who was stationed near Saigon as a radio operator, agreed that drinkable coffee should be a bare minimum requirement in military chow halls.

“I would have about lost my mind if those Chinooks weren’t regularly dropping off pallets of beer,” he said of his experience overseas. “And I didn’t even see combat! The lifestyle just wears you down. Some asshole chewing you out over an untucked bootlace. Up every day at 04. Group PT. Soldiers need caffeine to deal with this kind of environment.”

Still, some criticized the move as another example of the military becoming more “politically correct.”

“We have super soakers and everything to keep privates awake in class, so this kind of sucks, if you ask me,” said Staff Sgt. Bill Elm, a tank commander at Fort Hood, Texas. “The only fun thing about all these classes is to lull privates into a stupor so we can blast them with water.”

“Plus, all the NCOs just make a quick run to 7-Eleven for coffee, anyway,” he added. “No one drinks that hot piss they serve in the chow hall.”

“What these activists don’t understand,” said one Navy Culinary Specialist who spoke under condition of anonymity to avoid reprisal. “Is that for anyone to have good food in the military means that cooks have to a) know what good food tastes like, and b) take any pride at all in our work. The reality is, we absolutely refuse to try. You will never get good food or coffee from us, ever.”

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Mattis assures Air Force it will still be loved after Space Force is born

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WASHINGTON — The U.S. Air Force has been acting out at school recently, Duffel Blog has learned.

“I think the little tyke is just anxious about the arrival of the newest little bundle of death and destruction,” said a radiant Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, referring to the U.S. Space Force. “It’s normal for kids their age to be jealous when they have to share dominance of the aerial battle space.”

The service allegedly broke several of its airplanes in a tantrum after hearing President Trump’s announcement last month. Reports indicate that the organization has also begun a phase of emotional regression, marked by a fixation on strategic bombing theory and intercepting Soviet missiles.

Historical records show that a postwar Army struggled similarly when Air Force was born.

“I felt threatened at first,” said Army, “But there are those moments that make you proud to be an older brother, like his first home run in a foreign air war or when he tries to act like you by dressing in OCP ACUs.”

Mattis says that he plans to heavily involve Air Force in making preparations for its baby brother like picking out uniforms, setting up the bases, and maybe even sharing an enlisted rank structure.

“You’ve got to be honest with them,” Mattis continued, “Let them know that you just can’t give them the attention and funding you used to, but that doesn’t mean you’ll love them any less.”

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