GUAM – Sources confirm that Quartermaster First Class Joshua Griffin is only at the popular Guam strip club, Vikings, to look out for the well-being of his liberty buddy, Gunner’s Mate Second Class Scott Nichols.
“I really hate places like this,” said the upright young man, failing to make eye contact with reporters. “I try to be a good shipmate, though, you know? I try not to judge.”
Griffin, 25, is renowned aboard the carrier USS Ronald Reagan as a sterling sailor both in and out of port. Said a previous liberty buddy after a port call in Singapore, “That dude will go fucking anywhere.”
“Nowhere is too far to go for a friend in need,” Griffin later clarified.
The Reagan, home-ported in San Diego, is on its way home from a seven-month deployment to the Arabian Gulf and South China Sea. According to Griffin, who also leads a Bible study on the ship, venues like Vikings are an “unfortunately” common distraction for sailors during port calls like this.
“I think it’s really sad,” said Griffin, trailing off when a passing dancer brushed his shoulder and just happened to look him in the eye. Sources close to Griffin suggest that he would have gone on to sanctimoniously explain how strip clubs are degrading to women or to say something like, “I mean, that’s someone’s daughter up there.”
A Vikings dancer introducing herself as Destiny Rain says this is the third night in a row she has seen Griffin and affirms his saint-like reputation. “Us girls just love him,” Destiny said, pulling singles from her bright yellow G-string. “He’s super generous. Like, even though he doesn’t drink, he’s always down to buy us a drink.”
For his part, Griffin says he just likes talking to the girls. “These women are people just like you and me,” he said, trying to remove an attractive blonde from his lap. “I think it’s important not to reduce them to their utter lack of clothing.”
Asked where liberty buddy Nichols had gone off to, Griffin was not sure but said his friend was probably fine.
“I try to keep an eye not just on my liberty buddy but on all of my fellow servicemen and women,” the altruistic sailor might have added but didn’t actually because he was face-deep in Destiny’s breasts.