WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel was awarded fifteen days restriction for taking the Pentagon’s duty van on an unauthorized late night beer run, according to officials.
“We were in the barracks knocking a few back,” General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told Duffel Blog. “We ran out of beer. Hagel jumped up and shouted ’it’s 11:45, we can make it! I’m duty driver, let’s take the van!’”
“I got a call about a white van doing burnouts and trying to drift,” said Officer David Farmer of D.C. Metro Police. “I saw the van swerving and going 65 in a 30. Wouldn’t you know it, it had government plates. The second I saw that I knew there had to be a dumbass E-2 behind the wheel. I pull him over and it turned out it was the SECDEF.”
“He just kept shouting ‘Come on man, this is official military business!’” Officer Farmer said. “He was begging me ‘Just let me go, I have to make it to 7-11 in three minutes.’”
Officer Farmer also stated he saw several scantily clad females in the backseat. Hagel kept telling them “Don’t worry ladies, I get paid at midnight. Don’t call Big Cat Daddy.”
After the Pentagon was alerted to the allegations, further investigation found Hagel had been using the command’s gas card to fill his own vehicle and had purchased a $20,000 therapeutic massage at The Full Lotus Spa at 3 a.m.
“Goddammit Hagel!” Sergeant Major Jacob Hughes shouted at the Secretary of Defense during morning formation. “The police report says you weren’t wearing your seat belt! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Oh well, what the hell can we expect?”
“You won’t even wear your reflective belt when you brief the President.”