KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Darkness has fallen on Afghanistan’s largest Coalition base, as news has spread that the Bagram Batman is dead. The caped crusader — who shot to fame for providing friendly, if insufferable, safety tips to deployed personnel on Bagram Airfield — succumbed Friday to injuries incurred during a very unsafe brawl with the villain known as Badghis Bane.
“I just can’t believe he’s gone,” said one grieving soldier, who Bagram Batman taught to properly lace and tie his boots. “Without him around, how will I know to protect myself from sun exposure and loud noises? How will I know ANYTHING?!”
Indeed, Bagram Batman’s popular but incredibly patronizing online commercials advised service members on a range of fairly obvious topics, including ear protection, theft avoidance, and basic human decency. Yet for all the rules he espoused, the Dark Knight was unable to protect himself from Badghis Bane’s wicked backbreaker.
According to witnesses, the altercation began when Bagram Batman noticed Badghis Bane exiting the chow hall without a reflective belt.
“Where’s your reflective belt, soldier?” Bagram Batman reportedly growled. “WHERE IS IT?!”
“Up your ass,” Badghis Bane is said to have replied.
This reportedly hurt Bagram Batman’s feelings, resulting in a pushing fight that quickly devolved into a real fight that quickly ended when Badghis Bane lifted Bagram Batman over his head and dropped him over an extended knee.
“Absolutely devastating,” said one of Bagram Batman’s three fans. “What kind of monster would do this?”
Little is actually known about the terrorist Bane, but his Military Police profile describes an insubordinate sergeant who recently escaped from a prison-like Advanced Operating Base in western Afghanistan. Since his arrival at Bagram, Badghis Bane has amassed a small army of lowlife radicals, identifiable on post by their rolled sleeves and pocketed hands.
“I was rooting for Bane the whole time,” said one unshaven disciple. “That dude in the mask was an asshole. It was like, ‘Honestly, bro, this is a fucking warzone. Where are you finding time to play dress-up?'”
At the conclusion of the fight, Bagram Batman was transferred to BAF’s medical facility, where doctors deemed the costumed man “probably not worth saving.”
“Well, today, I found out what Bagram Batman can’t do,” the fallen hero reportedly told Sergeant First Class Alfred Pennyworth in his final moments. “He can’t endure this. Today, you get to say, ‘I told you so.’”
“Today, I don’t want to,” the loyal quartermaster replied, tears streaming down his face. “But I did bloody tell you.”
Next: The rise of the unexpected young contractor who would assume the Dark Knight’s legacy… FOBin.
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