Connect with us

Navy

Navy Officer In Hot Water For Sorority-Like Email Tirade He Sent To Shipmembers

Published

on

Navy email

SAN DIEGO, CA – The executive-officer of one of the Navy’s esteemed Wasp class ships, the USS Boxer, has recently come under criticism because of a ranting email he sent off to ship members last month.

Cdr. Jerry Dominick, who is currently underway with the ship and its crew, is having to stave off questions from top Navy brass after the controversial email, which was sent to the ship’s 1,009 enlisted crewmembers, was posted online — causing it to quickly go viral.

In the email, Dominick castigates the sailors for their lackluster social interaction with the 1,000 Marines of the 13th MEU who are serving on the amphibious assault carrier. His main complaint appears to be about their conduct during the ship’s “steel beach” parties, a shipboard morale-building function where sailors and Marines are forced to interact with each other on a vessel’s flight deck while eating expired food and playing elementary-level games.

The 750 word email goes as follows:

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f-cking sail. For those of you that have your heads stuck under your racks, which apparently is the majority of this ship, we have been F-CKING UP in terms of steel beach parties and general social interactions with the Marines. I’ve been getting texts on texts about sailors LITERALLY being so f-cking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Commander Dominick, I’ve been having so much fun with my ship-mates this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f-cking find you in your berthing to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f-ck, and the 13th MEU does not give a flying f-ck, about how much you f-cking love to talk to your ship-mates. You have 361 days out of the f-cking year to talk to ship-mates, and this week is NOT, I f-cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Navy-Marine Corps community, and that’s not f-cking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our Marines. Newsflash you stupid c-nts: MARINES DON’T LIKE BORING SAILORS. Oh wait, DOUBLE F-CKING NEWSFLASH: THE MARINES ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F-CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F-CKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about hanging around at a different part of the ship IN FRONT OF OUR 13TH MEU COMRADES. Are you people f-cking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to any more steel beach events.

If the 13th MEU openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite the USS Peleliu over,” would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE F-CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be hanging out with other Marine units, I don’t give a F-CK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that unit. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f-cking NOT convince other ship-mates to leave with you.

“But Commander Dominick!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our Marines in Afghanistan, doesn’t that count for something?” I will f-cking cock kick the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a f-ck if you request mast with me, I WILL F-CKING ASSAULT YOU.

Ohhh Commander Dominick, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad.” Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little fuckluck that stands in the p-way during the ship’s fun time or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during steel beach parties, this following message is for you: DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S STEEL BEACH PARTY. I’m not f-cking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have scurvy where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS SHIP. I would rather have 500 sailors that are fun, talk to Marines, and not f-cking awkward than 1,000 that are f-cking f-ggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to Marines I’m too sober,” then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in the fleet, and with that in mind don’t f-cking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our ship. Seriously. I swear to f-cking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s steel beach, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me. 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a f-ck. Go f-ck yourself. Thank you for your service.

“This honestly doesn’t surprise me,” says Petty Officer 3rd Class Justin Lam, who works around Dominick’s quarters. “He really seems to have an unhealthy obsession with impressing Marines. He follows the MEU commander around like a little puppy and is always asking random Marines passing by if they’d like to play Playstation in his quarters.”

A Marine serving on the ship, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed Lam’s statement.

“Yeah, that guy really creeps me out,” said the lance corporal. “I was working up in the Ward Room and I noticed him staring at my ass.  He was breathing really heavily and asked me if I wanted to go play video games with him in his room. He was all like, ‘It’s cool, little Devil Dude, we’ll just play some video games … maybe wrestle around a little bit. You can call me Uncle Jer.’ I got out of there as fast as I could.”

Navy leadership continues to stay mute about the email, but inside sources have told Duffel Blog that they’ve already taken actions to remove Dominick from his command.

Navy

Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’

Published

on

mike pence

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today.

The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials.

“Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith.

“Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.”

“These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters.

“But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address.

“I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.”

Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech.

“Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.”

At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together.

Continue Reading

Navy

Sailor can’t pee unless someone is watching

Published

on

SAN DIEGO — Retiring Chief Petty Officer Joe Andrews hasn’t peed without someone watching him in 22 years and isn’t about to start now.

“At first, I thought all the meat gazing was weird,” said Andrews. “Now, after all this time in the Navy, I went from not being able to piss with someone watching to not being able to piss without someone watching.”

Andrews told fellow sailors at the his retirement party that he’s not sure how he’s going to piss without someone making eye contact with his one-eyed monster.

“I’ve told Andrews that he just needs to reach out,” said Lt. Cmdr. Ross Stevens, Andrews’ commanding officer. “No one should have to pee alone.”

Many sailors are able to make the transition to pissing alone by running water in the background or pasting a picture of a urinalysis observer above the toilet, according to a recent Veterans Affairs Public Information for Sailors Study (PISS). Some, however, never fully make it through the transition, and find themselves seeking YMCAs, baseball stadiums and subway stations to avoid kidney problems.

Andrews expressed his hope for the future with a loud groan at the urinal before leaving the Chief’s Mess for the last time today. His first proctology appointment with the VA is a week from today, which he feels is a festive step up from the usual wiener wagging.

Stevens said that might be willing to go warm up Andrews’ bed and sweat on it a little bit, just the way he needs it to fall asleep.

Continue Reading

Army

I lived it: I stole the Navy goat, and now I just … have a goat

Published

on

We all do some foolish things in our youth when we don’t understand the consequences. For me, a lighthearted prank saddled me with a goat for the rest of my career, and I have to tell you — goats are a lot of fucking work.

It started late one night in Bradley Barracks on a cool autumn night just before the Army-Navy Football game. My roommate and I were rubbing each other’s backs and talking about our dreams, like we always did, when we hatched a fantastical plan to steal the Navy goat. We would be legends.

Still, I wasn’t ready for that moment, deep below Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, when I locked eyes with Adm. Ernst J. King the goat. I didn’t expect him to seem so worldly, so wise, so game for the adventure. There were many goats in the goat dungeon that night, but I knew that Ernest was the goat for me. Ernest stood aside from the common goats, lazily eating “The Bluejacket’s Manual,” and practically leaped into the rucksack I’d brought for him. Our first touch was electric.

The next few days were a haze. While the military world panicked at the loss of Ernest, we spent lazy days on Clinton Field, sharing a secret just the two of us knew. I showed him how to cut a pie properly; he showed me how to eat the pie tin.

I realized, as I boarded the bus for the Army-Navy game, Ernest tucked neatly under my winter cape, that I had devised such an excellent scheme to steal Ernest I had never thought to make a plan to return him.

Time with Ernest flew by. Before I knew it, it was branch night, then graduation. As I threw my cap into the air, Ernest headbutted the chair out from under me, a sign of things to come.

Being a platoon leader is hard for anyone, but it’s harder with a goat. At unit PT, he’d run faster than me and jump higher than me, embarrassing me in front of my men.

I was excited and nervous for my first deployment, a fact lost on Ernest. He was a constant liability. He never wanted to stay on the FOB, which I can respect, but he was always getting confused as a gift, bribe, snack or sex toy when we went out on patrol.

If I thought Ernest was difficult on deployment, I really wasn’t ready for how he was going to handle our next assignment, as an assistant training officer at brigade S3. Ernest had no patience drafting PowerPoint slides for hours. He was clearly the kind of goat that you needed to keep with troops, the kind of goat that needed a mission. He took out his frustrations about the assignment — about the things he’d seen on deployment — by drinking too much. I could never get him enough water, and then he’d pee on the paper shredder. There were times I didn’t think we could keep it together.

Things got a little better when I picked up captain. I had a little more money to spend on Ernest. He got frustrated at the long hours and the midnight phone calls, but by that point, Ernest understood that we’d spent too long together. He couldn’t do better than me.

Sometimes people say to me, “How did you get a goat in the Pentagon?” I’d ask you how I could not have a goat in the Pentagon. Sure, now that I’m chief of staff of the Army, it raises some questions about why I don’t have a mule. It’s a ridiculous question. I’ll enjoy an evening in the company of Traveller or Trooper, but I bear a responsibility to Ernest. Ernest made it through War College, too, and he’s never brought a cell phone into a SCIF, so he’s ahead of most of us.

I never planned this life. Ernest J. King didn’t plan this life. Tradition brought us together. I think sometimes that Ernest needs to go back, but we both know that he can’t go back to naive midshipmen and lush greenery of Annapolis. Not after what he saw in Afghanistan. The VA isn’t ready for his type. He has no marketable skills. He can’t make it on the outside.

I’ll warn you: traditions are fun, cadets, but think through it. Always have an exit plan. Ernest and I didn’t. And I still have a fucking goat.

Continue Reading

Navy

Crop-dusting ensign set for flight school

Published

on

Source: USDA

PENSACOLA, Fla. — After a gut-wrenching selection process, Ensign Pierce A. Stinkfeld was chosen as a student naval aviator, sources confirmed today.

Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors.

“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Stinkfeld said as he sniffed the air. “From those clumsy days of crop-dropping in Ms. Stummerfurz’ third-grade class to winning the state ‘North by Northwest’ award as a high school junior, I’ve been dusting off home plate since I was in diapers. Now, I’m ready to throw caution to my recently-released wind and have a career in the U.S. Navy.”

Stinkfeld noted that he’s exploring various fleet aircraft options.

“I’m looking at rotary wing because of the awesome downdraft,” he said. “But I’m also considering the F-35 for its killer afterburner turbofan. I can really foul up an enemy’s day with that.”

Stinkfeld is also looking forward to getting his callsign.

“I bet it will be something cool like ‘Danger’ or ‘Snake,’” he said with an overconfidence normal reserved for newly-commissioned American heroes.

However, instructor pilots seemed certain that Stinkfeld will be forever known as ‘Beefwalk.’”

“Don’t quote us on that,” said one. “But it’s in the fart jar, so to speak.”

Stinkfeld was last seen arguing with the station commissary manager over adding more selections of asparagus, gummi bears and beans.

“It’s for everyone’s digestive health,” he said right before hustling up the baby food aisle for no apparent reason.

Continue Reading

Air Force

Fans excited for final season of Afghanistan

Published

on

BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Fans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict, whenever that may be.

A media darling at launch, Afghanistan has suffered from low viewership since the first season but remains a powerhouse moneymaker with an annual budget of almost $45 billion. Producers initially promised large, exciting battles and decisive story lines but thus far have had issues delivering consistently. Fans of the show place the blame for many of those issues on producers insisting the show split air time with spinoff drama Iraq.

Despite the small TV audience tuning in, a large number of Americans (about 14,000 at present) physically attend the conflict every year hoping to take part in events as they unfold.

However, many of these participants express discontent over the direction the show has taken and feel the program has been dragging for the last decade or so.

“I was skeptical at first because there had been a Russian drama about Afghanistan, but in the first few seasons, this felt very different. And when they surprised everyone by killing off Bin Laden in season 10, that was amazing,” said Capt Mike Watt, currently deployed to Sharana. “But l feel like lately it’s been the same story line every season. Just lazy writing all around.”

A quick audit of recent years supports Watt’s argument. Plot devices like COIN, blue on green insider attacks, and meeting with local leaders that end up accomplishing nothing have become repetitive. Despite these issues, there remain a strikingly large number of subplots and unanswered questions. So many in fact, that writers and executive producers have expressed that they can’t imagine wrapping this up even if they have 10 plus more seasons.

Regardless, fans remain excited for the final season whenever that may be. An online poll among attendees on who will end up on top received hundreds of thousands of votes and came back with a landslide victory for write in candidate “I don’t give a fuuuuuuck.”

Continue Reading

Air Force

Service chiefs really tired of this Congressional committee’s crap

Published

on

The military’s service chiefs have been tired, but never tired like this. (Source: National Guard Bureau)

WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s service chiefs are massively weary of this stupid Congressional committee hearing, sources confirmed today.

Although the hearing on force readiness in the mid-term began moments ago, it has “nose-dived faster than Congressman Schiff’s reputation,” according to a military legislative affairs officer. 

“I put on a service dress uniform for this?” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein asked his peers, apparently unaware he was wearing a hot microphone.

The Committee chairwoman — no one knows her name because she did nothing notable before Democrats took control of the House —asked Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Milley for his assessment of Navy readiness.

Milley appeared confused by a question on a separate service and paused before saying, “I would like to respond by stating that the readiness of Congress to hold this hearing is a complete shit-show, ma’am.”

Rep. Slay Z. Lewks (D – possibly Queens but she doesn’t know) followed with a freshwoman attempt at putting the hearing back on track by asking about mold in military housing. The chairwoman informed Lewks the topic was not related to force readiness.

“Then what about mold readiness in the mid-term?” Lewks asked.

Rep. Sea H. Ag (D – San Francisco) then interrupted Lewks to repeatedly stammer over the word “the.” She finally finished her question on the best place in D.C to meet sailors, which was met by the audible sighs of the testifying service chiefs.

Before Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson could wipe the stunned look off his face, Ag told him “I’m a cougar, John, in case you didn’t notice, John — rawwr.”

The chiefs then appeared to be studying their notes, but they were actually playing sudoku on sheets in their briefing books, except for Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. 

“He doesn’t know how sudoku works,” says a Marine Corps public affairs office. Neller instead repeatedly snapped a can of Copenhagen under the desk while glaring at Lewks and anyone else who lewks at him for more than a second.

Continue Reading

Navy

Navy eyeing discounted Boeing 737s

Published

on

RENTON, Wash. — The Navy is investigating a potential “sweet deal” to increase its fleet of P-8 aircraft, sources confirmed today.

The Navy’s P-8 Poseidon, an invaluable asset in submarine detection, is a modified Boeing 737 aircraft. The Boeing 737 Max has recently come under intense scrutiny and grounded for equipment failure following a string of crashes. Navy leadership paid an emergency visit to the Boeing plant in Renton, Washington, shortly after the news broke.

“How much for this puppy right here?” asked Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer, slapping the nose of a 737. “How does $1,400 sound? I can do 15, but that’s my limit.”

Spencer met with a Boeing sales representative wearing a bright yellow suit, and the two men spent the day walking around the lot. One man would make an offer while the other would pretend to walk. Negotiations lasted late into the evening.

“The Navy has a long tradition of buying broken airplanes,” said assistant Secretary of the Navy James Geurts, who is in charge of Navy acquisitions. “However, we are looking to start saving money when we purchase potentially dangerous aircraft.”

Navy spokesmen at the Pentagon confirmed the plan is to have a deal hashed out by the end of the week. Progress has been reportedly made, but small details like air fresheners and fuzzy dice are remaining to be decided.

“I think they said it was an autopilot problem,” said Geurts. “No problem, whatever it is it can’t be as bad as our pilots’ hand flying.”

Continue Reading

Navy

“Don’t worry, this chapter of my book will be awesome” SEAL tells dying teammate

Published

on

navy seal books

A Navy SEAL reassured a teammate dying from multiple gunshot wounds that this portion of his book would be “awesome,” sources confirmed today.

“This is awesome. I’m talking about this on every stop of my book tour. No way I don’t hit the bestseller lists after this,” Chief Petty Officer Brian Costanza told his fellow SEAL, Petty Officer 3rd Class Chet Steel, who was gasping his last breaths.

As the MEDEVAC helicopter departed with his teammate’s corpse, Costanza jotted down plot points and significant details about the incident to use in “Triumph of the Will: A Navy SEAL’s Journey Through Syria.”

Costanza said he was thrilled to have a significant emotional hurdle to add to the main character arc in the yet-to-be published memoir, but he faced backlash from some of his surviving teammates for the way he handled the incident.

“Don’t get me wrong. Brick is a great guy,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Slade Paragon.“But I think it’s bullshit that he immediately claimed the incident for himself. Yeah, Chet died in his arms, but I was the one pulling security while he bled out. If anything, the trauma I suffered would make for a much more compelling chapter in my own book, ‘This Noble Warrior’s Creed.’ It’s just selfish.”

Petty Officer 2nd Class Chad Brogan, who outed himself on MSNBC shortly after receiving deployment orders to Syria, was also critical of Costanza’s decision.

“At the very least, he should have checked with the rest of the team so we could compare narratives,” Brogan said. “How would it look if all our books had similar chapters detailing Chet’s horrific death and our emotional journeys of recovery? People would think we’re assholes.”

Brogan said he now has to figure out a new anecdote to lead into his monologue about the terrible cost of war during chapter 9 of his book “The Trident Bleeds in Valhalla.”

Costanza was dismissive when asked about his teammates’ objections.

“These cherry fucks just like to complain,” he said. “My first book, ‘Uncommon Men-More Uncommon Valor,’ was published when they were still in BUDS, so I think I know a little more about narrative and plot structure than they do. Besides, what better way to honor Chet’s death than to have the most experienced writer on the team profit immensely by describing it in visceral detail?”

The remaining members of the team eventually agreed to let Constanza use the “death sequence” for his upcoming book. In exchange, they all received co-author credit for helping complete Steel’s posthumous memoir “Unkillable: The Sweet Rush of Combat.”

The SEALs chose to honor their fallen comrade’s memory by announcing that .5 percent of all book royalties will go to Steel’s widow Rhonda and their three young daughters.

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Advertisement

Trending