BOSTON, MA — Thousands of angry baseball fans expressed disappointment after the Boston Red Sox held a realistic tribute to military service Friday, witnesses report.
According to team officials, the Red Sox were hoping to support the troops and show fans what military service really meant. Starting with the scheduling of the game, which was set for 1:30 p.m., the doors to Fenway were closed at 1:15. Fans were then forced to stand at parade rest by their seats until the umpires arrived 45 minutes later.
At 2:10, a Chinook helicopter landed in left field and unloaded a dozen National Guardsmen. Witnesses say the soldiers stormed the home dugout, fired team manager John Farrell, and replaced him with the most corrupt fan available. The Red Sox were then sent home and the soldiers filled the team roster with locals who had never before played baseball.
“Half the team took their signing bonuses and fled into the stands,” said witness John O’Malley. “Then they began looting from the beer and hot dog vendors.”
The new Red Sox took the field and gave up 52 runs in the first inning. Desperate to even the playing field, the soldiers opened fire on the Yankee dugout. A bat boy was killed, prompting the Red Sox to announce they had killed the Yankee’s second-in-command.
When the first Red Sox batter made contact with a pitch, the bat apparently shattered on impact. The team tested their bats and discovered they were all substandard and defective. Team owner John Henry shrugged and said better equipment was “on its way.”
Fans began to leave in the third inning with their team down 342 to zero. Red Sox officials locked the doors and forced the remaining fans to stay for the duration of the game.
New bats and baseball gloves arrived at the stadium in the bottom of the fifth. Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said the delivery of baseball equipment long after the game started showed he “supported the team wicked hahd [sic].”
At the end of the ninth inning the Yankees were up 847-1 and the game was declared over. The Red Sox remained on the field and demanded to play another 12 innings.
“At that point, the announcer came on and said all fans were required to police call the stands,” said Henry Angers, a Red Sox fan. “I wasn’t sure what that meant, but then some soldier came up and told me to shut my FNG-mouth and pick up the fucking butts at my feet.”
Most fans were finally able to escape Fenway hours later, and some plan to bring a class-action lawsuit against the National Guard unit. Col. James Rach, coordinator of the event, claimed he had no knowledge of his soldiers’ actions and ordered them to pay the $500 million dollar settlement.
The Red Sox have apologized for the incident, claiming “we will never make our fans endure such treatment again.”
Red Sox officials plan on holding a similar event next week.