GRAFENWÖHR, GERMANY – During a training deployment to the Grafenwöhr Training Area, a U.S. Army unit mistakenly invaded Germany, effectively re-igniting World War II, according to a spokesman for 7th Army Headquarters.
A platoon of soldiers from 1st Infantry Division was conducting training on one of the outlying western ranges when the professional opposing force staged a mock ambush. When the Opposition Forces broke contact and retreated in an unknown direction, new platoon leader Second Lt. Chester Prasnicki directed his soldiers to pursue. Once it became clear that the OPFOR could not be located, and furthermore that the platoon was now lost, Prasnicki drew upon his land-navigation expertise gained as a USMA cadet, and maneuvered his platoon due west.
The platoon left the training area and moved west onto the nearby German town of Auerbach. The 1st ID soldiers, presuming the town to be a part of the training area, began conducting house-clearing operations. When confronted by armed locals, the forward observer called for a fire mission. Due to a communications mix-up and a live-fire mortar mission being simultaneously conducted elsewhere on the training area, 120mm high-explosive mortar rounds were launched into the German town.
Amazingly, no civilians were killed, but several restaurants and bars in the town, which, ironically, were popular with U.S. servicemembers, were decimated.
Having learned of the attack on their strategic beer reserves, the German parliament immediately declared war on the United States. German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, “it is time that the United States was driven from Germany forever. I hereby declare World War II officially back on. Since the end of the war, we Germans have been under constant American occupation. Frankly, Germany was denied victory in that war by the micromanagement of the war effort. I can speak for my nation’s military leadership and the majority of my fellow German citizens when I say that we want a do-over.”
Italy, Germany’s erstwhile wartime ally, declined its support; however, a Japanese spokesman stated, “as soon as we finish rebuilding our nuclear reactors, it is SO on.”
“Serves those Americans right for forcing their God-awful beer on Germany,” said Otto Hochhalter, the owner of one of the destroyed bars. “We used to drink man’s beer until they showed up. Now they come here with all their money, and all they want is this weak piss-water,” he said, gesturing in disgust at some of the shattered cases of imported light beer preferred by American servicemembers.
The Army garrison at Grafenwöhr is on high alert, bracing for any retaliatory German attack, which has thus far failed to materialize.
“We’re pretty sure the Krauts are planning something,” said Col. James Saenz, USAG-Grafenwöhr garrison commander. “Problem is, we and other NATO countries constitute the bulk of Germany’s defense capabilities, so I have a feeling that whatever attack plan they come up with, we’re gonna need to have some of our own guys involved on their side, which could be a little awkward.”
Despite some planning setbacks, Saenz is confident in his troops.
“My soldiers will be ready, although we just finished moving the last of our tanks out of the country,” Saenz told reporters, “which is a real shame, because I gotta tell you, a lot of our guys down in the basement here, when they heard the news, they were really looking forward to finally executing all those Fulda Gap scenarios we planned during the Cold War.”
At press time, the White House had not released an official statement. However, Secretary of State John Kerry responded to the crisis by immediately offering $250 million in aid to the German war effort.
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