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Staff Sergeant Scared Shitless of ‘Mission Command’

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Army mission command

FT LEE, VA — Friends and peers of Staff Sergeant Scott Austin, a water purification specialist currently stationed at Fort Lee, VA, have informed Duffel Blog that he is absolutely “scared shitless” of the Army’s new Mission Command philosophy.

Mission Command, derived from the German Auftragstaktik concept, is the United States Army’s newest obsession and a clear shift away from centralized control of subordinates towards decentralized execution, freeing up subordinates to act on their own initiative within the commander’s intent to accomplish the mission.

Austin’s apparent discomfort with this doctrinal concept surprised his co-workers, since he has spent the last thirteen years of his eighteen-year Army career constantly complaining about micromanagement from officers and senior non-commissioned officers, expressing a desire to be left alone so he could do his job.

“Scotty was the first person to complain whenever anyone that outranked him dared to tell him what to do,” reported Master Sergeant Matt Johnson, Austin’s former battle buddy and current supervisor in the 599th CSSB S-3 section. “During OEF V [in 2005], the company commander came by while we were on gate guard and gave us some pointers on ways to effectively search vehicles entering the FOB. Scotty about lost his shit after the CO left, talking about how he was an NCO and had more time in a combat zone than the fucking captain had in the Army.”

But being empowered to act on his own initiative without direction from higher on a minute-by-minute basis seems to frighten the NCO, who is two years from retirement and has been passed over for promotion to sergeant first class three times.

“Now that Mission Command is the way we’re doing things, Austin finds any excuse he can to not be in charge of anything,” said Capt. Christine Furman, the 599th CSSB S-3.  “Last week’s M-4 qualification range was planned and executed by NCOs with minimal officer involvement, but Staff Sergeant Austin went to sick call and got 24-hour quarters rather than serve as the range safety officer. I think he might have had a case of Sandy Vagitis.”

When reached for comment, Austin reported that he is in no way scared of Mission Command, but rather the quality of officers and NCOs he works with has steadily declined over the past ten or fifteen years.

“Fucking Captain Nguyen and First Sergeant [Morales] told me I was going to be the range safety officer, but then they started giving me mixed messages about what I was supposed to do,” Austin told reporters. “Do I just orientate people to the range, do I walk the firing line to check for ‘no brass no ammo,’ or do I take the bullhorn and run the frigging range myself like I’ve done five or six times before?”

After pausing briefly to put in a wad of Cherry Skoal, Austin addressed the concept of Mission Command.

“The most important part of Mission Command is for the commander to identify intent and purpose. What was the commander’s intent for me as the RSO? I don’t know because he never told me. There was no rehearsal, no long op order, and no e-mails to tell me what was the purpose of an RSO, either.  For all intensive purposes, there was no guidance at all.”

Da Kine is a 14-year veteran of the US Army who is double-tabbed with the coveted Chairborne and Pogue scrolls.

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Army

Navy pranks Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat just before Army-Navy game

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PHILADELPHIA — Midshipmen carried on a long tradition of friendly hijinks just before their collegiate rivalry game by pranking Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat to just “get in their heads” before the big game today.

“We thought, what if these guys who aren’t old enough to drink figure out they’ve dedicated their futures to sprawling forever wars?” said Midshipman Michael Nelson, the senior leading the prank. “Who could mimic the tactics of war for screaming football fans? Once they hold the knowledge that blood and sacrifice will never accomplish the political ends we call victory, they’ll never be able to focus on the game. Navy Wins! Dude, we pwned them good.”

“Plus, after that thing with the Air Force Falcon, we didn’t want to touch animals.” added Nelson.

Nelson got the idea for the hilarious prank while making an Army-Navy rivalry video in his room in Bancroft Hall.

“We ran out of gay jokes, and I was thinking about getting stationed in Oahu with my hot first wife while West Point’s players were going to be leading pointless presence patrols on a route called futility. That’s when I realized that it was the perfect prank!” he said.

Darnell Woolfolk, West Point’s starting running back, fell victim to the hijinks late Friday night when his roommate’s sort of hot cousin called. Little did he know she was working for Team Navy and would subtly let him know that win or lose, he could look forward to multiple rotations in the same wars his father fought.

“I was really pumped up for the game.” Said Woolfolk. “I was listening to Future and thinking about crushing Navy. Then I slowly started thinking about the sacrifices I was making for an American populace that grows further disconnected and disinterested in what we say we’re fighting for. I immediately snuck into Washington Hall to eat spaghetti on ice cream from our special athlete refrigerators.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Woolfolk added, staring into an existential void of multiple deployments, football-induced brain injuries, and strawberry ice cream. “None of it matters anymore.”

As a battered copy of the ‘The Quaker Guide to Gaining Conscientious Objector Status” circulated around the student section of Lincoln Financial Field, West Point’s Corps of Cadets fought back in the healthy spirit of inter-service rivalry by reminding the Brigade of Midshipmen that soon, they’d be wearing an Army uniform and calling themselves “sand sailors” no matter how many aircraft carriers Congress to gave them.

The practical joke strategy worked so well that Navy plans to get in conference rival Tulane’s head by reminding them about the crippling interest rate on student loan debt and the chances of finding job after graduation.

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Army

Army sniper unable to hit toilet bowl

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FORT BENNING, Ga. – A local Army sniper met his match as he failed to successfully hit a toilet bowl at a nearby tavern, sources confirmed today.
Sgt. Doug Taylor, a 28-year old native of Des Moines, Iowa, missed his mark after whipping out his rifle and repeatedly failing to strike the water in the bottom of a toilet bowl during multiple ‘long shots’ that were fired after hours of heavy drinking.
“I don’t get it,” said Taylor who was unable to stand in one spot without swaying. “I adjusted to account for wind speed, altitude, and the ballistics involved – just like I was taught in sniper school. But, it was a no-go.”
Prior to the failed mission, reports show that Taylor properly identified and stalked the target and positioned himself for the most optimal shot by leaning up against a wall. He then fired, missing instantly and instead shooting the floor, spraying shrapnel all over his shoes.
One witness, Sgt. 1st Class Stan Hope, was disappointed to see one of his fellow snipers fail so miserably on what should have been an easy hit.
“He was out of range but only a little bit,” said Hope, who was assigned to follow Taylor into the bathroom and serve as the spotter. “He fell short. So I grabbed his hips and helped him readjust like we do in the field. He took a deep breath, relaxed, aimed, and I yelled ‘Send it!’ But, he was still off the mark by several inches and hit a nearby toilet plunger.”
Blaming the Coriolis Effect, the sniper and his spotter then quickly decided to take another shot. They immediately adjusted to an alternate firing position and squeezed off another round, missing by mere millimeters.
“We train with the M2010 Winchester Magnum rifle and can hit targets up to 1,300 meters. This, on the other hand, shouldn’t be a problem for him, even with his mini-rifle,” continued Hope. “Plus, this is a no-stress environment. I mean it’s not like toilets fire back at you.”
Staff Sgt. Salvatore Rotella, a tavern patron and designated marksman at another unit, saw the messy aftermath of the snipers handiwork.  “
“Isn’t accuracy supposed to be a priory for these guys?” he asked while his shoes stuck to the smelly floor. “Just last week I was able to chip off the edge of a urinal cake from a distance of 1 meter. The Army is going to deploy these guys? Embarrassing.”
Sources report that Taylor has been reprimanded by his teammates and will be provided supplemental training to attain the skills necessary to be successful during his next bathroom op.
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Army

ALL THE WAY! This Airborne Ranger refused to accept a blood transfusion from a leg!

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FORT BENNING, Ga. – They say that when you become an airborne ranger, it’s for life! This airborne ranger took it ALL THE WAY when he refused to accept a life-saving blood transfusion from a dirty, dirty leg, sources confirmed today. Hooah!

Army Spc. Ryan Collins, a graduate of the U.S. ARMY AIRBORNE SCHOOL, was so airborne! that when he took a bad landing, broke his leg, and started bleeding out, he motivated everyone around him by pulling out of consciousness long enough to say he’d only accept blood from an airborne-qualified soldier assigned to an airborne unit and receiving jump pay. No six jump chumps for this ranger!

“We wouldn’t usually accept yelling ‘Rangers lead the way’ as an advanced medical directive,” said Army doctor Lt. Col. Josh Malloy. “But woah, check out that motivation. He made me remember why I earned the tab.”

Collins was last seen on his way to Martin Army Community Hospital begging his medics to let him die in his jump boots rather than set the broken bone. He passed out again in the front leaning rest.

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Army

General breaks jaw while talking out of both sides of mouth

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WASHINGTON – Legislators, members of the press, and hearing attendees were stunned today when a general’s jaw fell apart during testimony in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee after a career of talking out of both sides of his mouth.

The fracture came on the heels of the general saying, “We remain an agile fighting force ready to fight and win the nation’s wars,” moments after remarking that “the force is under-resourced, over-deployed, and suffering from low morale.”

Sources close to the general suggest that this injury is not the result of an isolated moment but rather a career of wear and tear.

“He’s been a people pleaser as long as I have known him,” remarked one former aide-de-camp.

The general was only a few minutes into his prepared remarks when the injury occurred. Among the topics not yet addressed was the recent embarrassment of numerous service members involved in a nude photo phishing scam run by prison inmates.

“It’s actually lucky his jaw fell apart when it did,” remarked the general’s current aide. “He was about to say, ‘I continue to be nothing but inspired by the intelligence and integrity of our young soldiers every day,’ right before announcing that he was mandating an Army-wide safety stand down to learn about the dangers of sexting.”

The general expressed regret over the years of self-service that lead to his injury.

“I am ashamed of my years of pandering to whatever audience is in front of me and like a good soldier, I will fade away,” the general said in a press release after the incident. “I plan to distance myself from my embarrassing past by posting weekly nonsensical leadership platitudes to LinkedIn.”

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Army

Report: every warrant officer in the Army is still worthless

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A comprehensive study released today of all motor pools, supply shops, and personnel stations in the Army concludes that every single warrant officer in the service remains totally and infuriatingly useless.

The main finding comes without great surprise, but a key observation has raised concerns that warrant officers may in fact waste resources and reduce readiness and morale.

“We’re talking costs around paying and giving benefits to these officers, but we’re also talking about the collateral damage of giving them any power or authority whatsoever,” said Devin Wilson, lead author of the exhaustive 7,000-page RAND study.

Wilson points to measurable losses incurred when leaders break anything near them in a fit of rage at the dearth of utility they find in their warrant officers.

“The very existence of a warrant officer is fraud, waste, and abuse, according to our research,” he added.

The study, “which of course excludes helicopter pilots, who are awesome,” surveyed and observed every non-aviation warrant officer in the Army for a five-year period and concluded that the prototypical subject had the “smugness of a top-of-his-class West Point lieutenant combined with the laziness and apathy of a three-times-non-promoted staff NCO.”

The report also indicated that a warrant officer’s propensity to do anything helpful at all diminishes exponentially with each promotion.

DuffelBlog reached out to over 2,000 active Army warrant officers and their supervisors for comment, but only two responded.

“This isn’t my job,” a warrant officer said.

His supervisor stated simply, “I don’t know what that guy does, and I don’t want to ask because he’s pretty terrible to talk to.”

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Army

Report: Jody opening your wife’s border while you protect ours

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DONNA, Texas — Many U.S. Army spouses and their extramarital lovers are rejoicing following the deployment of their partners to the Mexican Border in support of border security operations, according to reports.

This past Monday marked the first official day of the recently launched operation, a measure the Department of Defense is taking to “strengthen border security.”

It also marked the first opportunity for the partners of those deployed troops to openly philander in their now spouse-less household, a chance some are choosing not to let slip by.

“I thought he would never get deployed, honestly,” said Audrey Timmons, whose husband, Spc. Jason Timmons of Headquarters Battalion, 4th Infantry Division, is currently serving near the border. “I have been itching to get into some strange for a while now. All of my friends who married into the military say it’s what has kept their marriages going for so long.”

The opportunity to philander isn’t only a celebration for those whose spouses are deployed, but also for eager-to-ruin-a-marriage soldiers and civilians, commonly referred to as “Jody” in military circles.

Chad Stevens, a self-described “lifetime Jody” and mechanic at a local auto body shop located near Fort Carson, Co., home to the 4th Infantry Division, says he plans to “wreck some first sergeant’s wife into oblivion” during the course of the unit’s time away.

“I mean everybody in the country knows this mission is a complete joke, but, yeah this was definitely a nice little surprise,” Stevens said. “Afghanistan has been drawing down for a few years now, so people have been coming back and fixing their marriages and shit, and that has really put a damper on my sex life considering all the action I get is from lonely military housewives. I am really looking forward to getting back out there.”

When asked if he considers his behavior or the cheating spouses’ actions to be in poor taste, Stevens was quick to defend, calling himself “a true patriot.”

“Look, I am giving just as much to the overall mission as these deployed soldiers are,” he said. “While they’re out there on the front lines serving our country and protecting us from that caravan of immigrants, which may or may not actually be real, I’m in their houses, on their sofas, in their showers, and on their beds, servicing their wives.”

Soldiers currently supporting border security operations will be gone until mid-December, and although not a typical U.S. Army deployment length, the mission still allows “plenty of time for spouses to cheat,” according to Sandy Alderman, the Family Readiness Group lead to Headquarters Battalion, 4th Infantry Division and the now third wife to its commander, Col. Brian Alderman.

“The odds haven’t been this high since Desert Storm,” Alderman said. “All we can do is support those soldiers who undoubtedly will be cheated on, man or woman. I urge those folks to just take care of themselves, and just know that you are fighting the good fight and helping make our country great again.”

Gen. Terrence O’Shaughnessy, commander of the U.S. Northern Command and North American Aerospace Defense Command, and Kevin McAleenan, the Customs and Border Protection commissioner, shared similar sentiments in regards to the mission during a news conference last week, referring to the current immigration status as a “humanitarian crisis” and that the focus of the mission, is to “harden the points of entry.”

Stevens, however, remains bullish on the border situation in Mexico.

“There is no crisis, everybody knows that. The only crisis is the stain I am about to leave on all those soldiers’ sheets,” he said, winking emphatically. “In fact, I’m going to be opening a lot of borders, if you know what I mean. And make no mistake, I will be hard at the point of entry.”

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Army

Troops deploy to Alamo for dramatic last stand against migrant caravan

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SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan.

“There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre historic site 300 miles from the border.

The administration conceded that the centuries-old mission walls wouldn’t provide the ideal defense against the procession of bad hombres, but that it would “just have to do” until the great wall is erected.

“I thought it would be bigger,” the president allegedly whispered to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Joseph Dunford, upon visiting the fort.

“It’s not so bad.” said Pvt. Jeffrey Crockett of the Tennessee National Guard. “We’ve got a nice view of downtown San Antonio and there’s even a Cheesecake Factory down the road!”

Two blocks away, the U.S. Navy has been ordered to conduct riverine patrols of the Historic San Antonio River Walk. The service has been tasked with maintaining control of the narrow, Disney Land-esque waterway against drug smugglers and drunk tourists alike.

“War is hell,” shouted an unidentified swift boat sailor, face painted like child at a carnival, cotton candy in one hand, an M-16 in the other, CCR’s “Fortunate Son” blaring from his iPhone speakers.

Trump has faced fierce criticism over his use of force and a supposedly unclear mission.

“This stunt is simply un-American, and I can’t stand for it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House minority leader, who has gone down to the border town of McAllen, Texas to meet the caravan with open arms and several thousand voter registration forms for the 2020 election.

“It is truly sickening what some people will do for their political agendas.”

At press time, Trump was feverishly planning his next move to secure our borders: setting up a Coast Guard flotilla to defend Lake Erie from the Canadians in the event they “try to pull a fast one like they did in 1812.”

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Army

Drinking eight Rip Its a day could help you live longer, study by specialist with no teeth says

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FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of eight Rip-Its per day may help humans live longer, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Brett Luers, who was both the subject and administrator of the study, told reporters that he estimates he could extend his life indefinitely by simply drinking the patriotic energy drinks in lieu of food and water for the foreseeable future.

“I think the results speak for themselves,” said Luers struggling to stand at the dais while addressing reporters. “Only Rip Its have touched these lips for the past 10 years, and I feel amazing.”

Luers told members of the press that there were times he should have rightfully died, but he credits the heavily caffeinated “wonder serum” with saving his life.

“There was that one time when [Pvt. 1st Class] Peters stabbed me after I bet he couldn’t,” said an emaciated Luers, wheezing into the microphone. “And that other time when I jumped off of the roof of the barracks because I huffed too much starter fluid from the motor pool and thought I was covered in camel spiders. Both times I should’ve been dead.”

“But here I am,” said Luers pointing two sore-ridden thumbs at himself. “Fit as a fiddle.”

While some say that the study’s results are skewed based on the singular sample size, there are those in the scientific community who believe there is a kernel of truth to the research.

“I peer reviewed [Luers’] results and have no idea how he has lived this long,” says Dr. Lydia Brownfield, chief of epidemiology at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health. “He has been in renal failure for the past eight years and developed scurvy, yet his virility has increased over 500 percent.”

Brownfield gestured to a cork board that contained the information of over a dozen illegitimate children that share Luers’ thirst for dangerously caffeinated energy drinks.

“I have no idea how his reproductive system is functioning,” said Brownfield. “He is a truly a medical miracle, and the only thing I can attribute it to are the Rip Its.”

Luers is currently preparing for a press tour to promote the revolutionary study but will have to delay until his barracks is removed from quarantine. Authorities reported numerous cases of the once-eradicated yaws — a chronic bacterial infection — after a recent inspection of Luers’ room.

Blondes Over Baghdad Contributed to this report.

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