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New Army Field Manual Trains Soldiers For Zombie Apocalypse

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FORT BENNING, GA – As part of the Army’s efforts to expand its tactics, techniques and procedures for effectively combating and containing an outbreak of the undead, the Army Training and Doctrine Command has published a new field manual: FM 3-21.81, “The Infantry Rifle Platoon and Squad: Employment in a Zombie-Apocalypse Scenario.”

The field manual covers battle drills that will be familiar to many infantrymen, but with a slight twist. When fighting against hordes of undead opponents, according to current doctrine, there needs to be greater implementation of hand-held melee weapons instead of rifle fire.

“We looked at our existing techniques, tactics, and procedures and realized that when the zombie apocalypse comes, our current way of doing things wasn’t going to be good enough,” said Gen. Robert Cone, TRADOC commanding general. “So we went back to the drawing board and re-evaluated everything from the ground up – so to speak – and we kept what worked and got rid of what didn’t.”

“It was a very collaborative effort,” said Brig. Gen. Bryan Owens, commandant of the U.S. Army Infantry School, who consulted on the development of the new manual. “Zombie-apocalypse combat techniques are different from anything our soldiers have trained for, so we went to the world’s foremost experts in undead-unconventional warfare and picked their brains to learn everything we could. These are guys who’ve spent thousands upon thousands of hours in combat against the undead, and they really wrote the book on counter-zombie tactics.”

The experts assembled for the consultation panel were culled from the top fifty scorers on the Call of Duty: Black Ops XBOX Live zombie-mode multiplayer boards. “They were doing things we’d never even heard of before, and we were blown away by how good they were at it,” said Owens. “It was a thrill to bring them in on this project.”

Consultant Chad Sinclair, who goes by the gamertag “BloodAxe418,” stated, “We really had to get them to reinvent the wheel when it came to their battle drills. The Army has gotten used to squad- and small-unit-based tactics over the last decade or so of fighting in the Middle East, and those tactics don’t really work in a zombie environment. The undead generally don’t employ coordinated attack strategies, so any large-scale engagement against an undead force inevitably devolves into one-on-one, hand-to-hand combat. It’s the sort of in-your-face combat that the Army hasn’t really used since World War 1, and so a lot of conventional strategies and weapon-employment TTP’s had to be thrown out.”

FM 3-21.81 emphasizes greater employment of the bayonet charge and utilizing the M4/M16 as a melee weapon. In fact, the Army has begun reissuing the M9 bayonet after nearly a decade of disuse, in accordance with the panel’s recommendations.

Additionally, several low-tech weapons are currently being tested before they find their way into the counter-zombie warfighter’s arsenal. One such weapon is the M88 tactical machete, which has a blade length of 24 inches, an ergonomic polymer pistol grip with punch guard, and serrations on the back of the blade. Another is the M141A1 assault bludgeon, which at first glance looks like an ordinary wooden baseball bat, but which has been fitted with razor-sharp tent stakes through the end of the shaft, as well as M1913 accessory rails for mounting advanced optics and additional grips.

“Area weapons are irrelevant to counter-zombie warfare,” said Sinclair. “Support-by-fire tactics are simply not effective against an undead force. They just keep coming. You need to get in their face and stop them with the up-close kill. That’s the way you beat them. That’s the way you win.”

TRADOC officials expect to begin Army-wide training from the new manual early this fall.

A pessimist masquerading as a realist who's secretly an optimist. Can even, but chooses not to most of the time. Would rather be doing literally anything else right now.

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‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Former PT stud now lives in barn

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CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

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Wow! This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired

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KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Not every soldier is as lucky as Pvt. Jesse Butler, who just signed his enlistment papers on his 17th birthday and will get the opportunity to fight in the same war that the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks inspired.

Although Butler came into the world on a terrible day in U.S. history, he’s thanking his lucky stars today that he has the privilege of avenging that attack just like thousands of others that came before and after him.

“I’m really thankful for people like Jesse who are stepping up to serve this country at a time of war,” said Sgt. 1st Class Elon Rodriguez, his recruiter. “And in his specific case, the war is the same one he’s known his whole life.”

Butler will soon ship off to Army basic training where he’ll get physically fit and learn all kinds of skills that will serve him well in Afghanistan, which the U.S. has been fighting in since before people knew what an Apple iPod was.

(Although the “classic” Apple iPod was discontinued in 2014, the obsolete War in Afghanistan continued its production run to the present day).

Sources say it’s possible that Butler may be sent to Kandahar, where his father once served, or to Bagram, where his older brother is currently deployed.

Butler has told reporters he can’t wait to pass on his knowledge of the country and how to fight the Taliban to his own sons.

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Deeply-broken Major looks forward to mentoring high-functioning Captains

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Maj. Greg Jordan, a twice-divorced functional alcoholic serving as the executive officer of the 39th Special Troops Battalion, is really looking forward to mentoring the two new high-functioning Captains assigned to the unit, sources confirmed today.

“I’ve been watching them, trying to make a careful consideration of where I can be of the most use of a mentor, and I think my job’s going to be easy,” said Jordan over a bottle of Military Special brand scotch in the apartment he never really furnished after his last wife left him.

“Take [Ryan] Cooper. On paper, he looks good. But I just heard him say, ‘this white paper that’s due tomorrow is an 80% solution, but getting it to 100% isn’t possible in the time. I’m going to go home and take the kids for a while so my wife can get a break.’ Yeah. Seriously. I’d still be at work right now. I’ll pull him out of PT tomorrow and talk to him.”

Capts. Cooper and Kelsey Wheatly spoke to reporters about their new rater on a recent interval run they planned after finding the pace on the unit run too slow to be challenging. “He really cares about mentorship,” Wheatly said of the major. “So much that he’ll pull you away from giving clear guidance to your subordinates so that he can tell you a story about when he was a captain.”

Cooper added, laughingly: “It’s fun because sometimes his stories last two hours and have no point to them. We call it ‘torMentorship.”

Jordan is excited to introduce a book list to his unit, mostly consisting of books he’s never read but saw on another list while roughly half are books he was assigned in intermediate-level education Army schoolhouses have long ago moved on from. None of the books are specifically applicable to the work the unit is doing or trying to do, but the mandatory meetings will be scheduled during the company training meetings his captains were planning on supporting.

If all goes well, Jordan plans to expand his mentorship by finding unit time to have the battalion’s toxic sergeant major mentor the highest performing sergeants.

“The Army is full of toxic leaders, but I can control the people I lead,” said Jordan. “You want to hear about toxic leaders, I should tell you about this major I worked for in Grafenwhoer. We were prepping to go out into the field, and…”

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Air Force

Nike apologizes for forgetting military monopoly on sacrifice

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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Nike has issued a public apology to the military community after creating an advertisement featuring the text “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything,” over a picture of a football player who is not a military veteran, sources confirmed today.

“We completely forgot that the only sacrifice that means anything is that of our brave men and women in uniform,” Nike CEO Mark Parker wrote in a tweet on Thursday, days after a backlash erupted over an ad campaign that featured Colin Kaepernick.

“I failed to remember that until I saw a meme where conservatives appropriated the image of fallen warrior Pat Tillman’s face in our ad instead of Kaepernick’s. It highlighted how mutually exclusive their two sacrifices are and emphasized the military monopoly on sacrifice.”

When reached for further comment, Parker also cited the success of images and videos on social media protesting Nike’s ad by showing service members cutting the Nike swoosh logo off their apparel.

“It’s a well-known fact that companies can’t bear to watch customers disrespect their symbol,” he told reporters. “To put it into perspective, it’s almost as painful for us to witness as it is for others to see someone kneel during the national anthem.”

Parker followed up with another tweet after his original apology was well received.

“Thank you for leveraging the image of a deceased hero to remind Nike and its leadership of the only manifestation of bravery and expression of patriotism, which is service in the armed forces. I’m sure Corporal Tillman would appreciate you speaking up on his behalf in a hotly debated topic like this.”

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Army

‘Trust me on Afghanistan’, says man no one trusts

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Army

Dishonor Flight brings veterans back to the bar tabs they never settled

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WASHINGTON — An innovative new veteran’s non-profit is using private donations and support from several national airlines to reunite veterans with the shady shit they did in the past in their final days, sources confirmed today.

The program, called Dishonor Flight, has now helped more than 200 World War II veterans get back to the bar tabs they walked out on and women they lied to in order to sleep with.

“It was so inspirational,” said Kaycee Spisak, a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines who volunteered during a Dishonor Flight coming in from Duluth, Iowa. “These brave veterans, mostly in wheelchairs, were greeted by literally dozens of bartenders, bookies, pimps and landlords. That kind of passion is really inspiring.”

Dishonor Flight was off to a shaky start after several older veteran service organizations like the U.S.O. and Honor Flight refused to support the cause.

“I’m glad I did it,” said Battle of the Bulge Veteran Edwin Puller. “I heard about that Honor Flight, but it’s not worth missing 60 Minutes to see a duck pond in D.C. a bunch of no-good politicians built. But when Dishonor Flight called and reminded me I never settled up with my landlord at Camp Lewis when I left in ‘42, I got a good chuckle out of that. Good luck outliving me, chumps.”

Puller was shocked and surprised when not only his landlord, but a card shark and phony life insurance salesman were there to greet him, too.

“I wanted my grandchildren to see this. Grandpa went for one wild ride in ’42. After all the issued benzos and PX beer I’d roll into town and get deep into USO bitches. I’m surprised these are the only people I owe money. They must not know about the jazz clubs I snuck into.”

The Dishonor Flight ended with the old veterans and retired creditors kicking back some shots, reliving old times, and pointing out the errors in Band of Brothers.

Dishonor Flight plans to expand in the near future to set up flights to help Vietnam vets meet their middle-aged kids in Saigon and smoke a joint together, according to officials.

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Army

Afghan Army opens Corruption Center of Excellence

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KABUL — Senior Afghan and American commanders are celebrating following a ribbon-cutting ceremony to open the Afghanistan National Army’s Corruption Center of Excellence, sources confirmed today.

The Center, which will offer anywhere between one week to six months of course-work to soldiers depending on how much they bribe military officials, is being hailed as an incredible achievement for the country’s military. The total cost of construction for the facility was $289.3 million, according to Afghan officials, or $472.3 million, according to American officials.

“This is a bright day for the future of Afghanistan,” said Gen. Harir Noori, who will assume a ‘dual hat’ role as commandant of the school while also manning at least a few shifts per week in the Taliban combat operations center.

“I know that some may criticize this Center as a waste of money. That we have nothing left to learn about corruption,” Noori added. “But I’d just like to ask them: Just how much money are we talking about here?”

Borrowing its “center of excellence” namesake from the U.S. Army, the ANA Corruption Center of Excellence will certify enlisted soldiers and officers in how to more efficiently launder money, falsify reports, and inflate personnel numbers in order to take dollars sent from the United States and safeguard them under their mattresses at home.

The construction of the school follows other recent development projects in or around Kabul meant to help Afghanistan’s military and civilian population. These include a a new Texas BBQ eatery to support a continued U.S. military presence in the country and a facility for a new Afghan battlefield tour business that will shepherd first sergeants and sergeants major to the sites where they were shot at when they were privates 17 years ago.

Dark Laughter and Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.

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