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Marine Corps

Commandant Attempts To Fire Entire Marine Corps

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – “Fire them! Fire them all!” raved Gen. James Amos, foaming at the mouth as he was escorted to a waiting police cruiser in a straitjacket late Friday. Amos is en route to a high security psychiatric facility following a firing spree during which he attempted to relieve the entire United States Marine Corps.

It began Thursday morning, when Amos unexpectedly fired his aide. Sources believe the firing was prompted when Amos saw an article in The Marine Corps Times that suggested he was becoming increasingly unhinged. The article, which contained information that caused Amos to believe it was leaked from sources close to him, alleged that he believed he was surrounded by invisible enemies who wished to ruin his legacy as Commandant through leaks to the media, sexual assaults, safety incidents, war crimes, alcohol-related incidents, wasting water, and even their own suicides.

When Assistant Commandant Gen. John Paxton spoke up on behalf of the young officer, Amos fired him as well, believing him to be a co-conspirator. The situation soon spiraled out of control, with Amos running down the halls kicking in doors, and firing everyone he encountered. Victims of this portion of the spree included several of Amos’ deputy commandants, large portions of their staffs, one very startled janitor, and Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.).

“Are you a Marine?” Amos asked, wild-eyed, not recognizing the member of the Armed Forces Committee.

“Hell yes I am,” replied Blumenthal, who left the Marine Corps Reserve at the rank of sergeant in the mid-1970s.

“You’re fired too!” Amos screamed into his face before running farther down the hall.

At this point, Lt. Gen. Richard Mills and Sergeant Major Gary Weiser, the leadership of the Marine Corps Combat Development Command (MCCDC) and the highest ranking Marines left in the building, attempted to rally the remaining Marines against the Commandant’s administrative onslaught. Weiser gathered all the Marines he could find, and assembled them at a rally point identified by Mills, a hallway adjacent to Amos’ rampage.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Mills explained. “The Commandant’s center of gravity is his ability to fire Marines. His critical vulnerability is that he needs to be able to see us and speak to us to exercise that ability, and he’s got a limited field of vision.  We’re going to exploit that by breaking into multiple groups and catching him in the hallway by the elevators, where he can’t escape, in order to put him in a dilemma where dealing with one advance leaves him with his back to the other.”

“Form three groups, right now. You three sergeants are in charge. Supporting effort, main effort, and your group is the reserve. Got it?” he asked, looking each noncommissioned officer straight in the eyes.

“Supporting effort, you will advance down the eastern hallway to draw the Commandant’s attention and fix him in place. I will be with you, so if the Commandant fires anyone, he’ll have to fire me first. Main effort, as the supporting effort fixes the Commandant in place, you’ll approach from the opposite direction, put this gag in his mouth, and put this bag over his head. Reserve, you’ll follow in trace of the main effort. Be prepared to rapidly advance around them and distract the Commandant as an additional supporting effort if need be. Also, reserve and supporting effort, be prepared to assume the mission of the main effort, since you will also be equipped with field expedient gags and bags to put over the Commandant’s head, just in case.”

“When we leave here, you’ll have five minutes to be in position. After that, I will initiate the attack by shouting down the hallway. Does anyone have any questions about the plan?” Mills asked. “No? Alright, you’re all Marines, you know what to do. Let’s move.”

Minutes later, the floor reverberated with Mills’ booming “FOLLOW ME!” as the general bounded down the hallway like a lion. Across the building, Weiser leapt around the corner in response, and rushed toward the distracted Commandant’s back. To their shock, Amos calmly fired Mills, and then, hearing the Sergeant Major’s war cries behind him, turned around and fired Weiser as well.

They then watched in disbelief as the Marines rallied by Weiser slowly marched around the corners and down the hallways in perfect formation, occasionally executing to the rear march or open and close ranks, all with no verbal commands, while several others filmed them for commercials or wrote press releases about the brilliance of the operation.  While this was all very impressive, it provided the Commandant with sufficient time to completely relieve the entire supporting effort and make his getaway while firing several more Marines over his shoulder as he ran.

According to an oral history interview of Weiser conducted just after the incident by one of the Marines from the main effort, he claimed that when he rallied the Marines, most of whom were only temporarily detailed to the Pentagon from Headquarters Marine Corps commands like the Silent Drill Platoon, Recruiting Command, and the History Division, he had been looking only at their ranks, and noted that he and Mills probably would have done some things differently if it had been Friday and they could have seen the ribbons on the Marines’ Charlie uniforms.

Soon after, Amos locked himself in a third floor office with a group of terrified young lieutenants who were visiting from The Basic School, and threatened to fire every last one of them “if anybody tries anything.” He armed himself with a bullhorn, and every time a Marine stepped out of cover in the area below, Amos fired them. The Pentagon Force Protection Agency (PFPA, pronounced “piff-puh”) refused to respond, noting that Amos had committed no crime that they had jurisdiction to arrest him for. Marine Corps military police from Quantico were slow to arrive, and, upon arrival, were effectively neutralized by the Commandant’s ability to fire them.

The first casualty was the hostage negotiator, who called Amos and was immediately fired over the phone.

When the door was finally broken down by Army military police specially brought in to subdue him, Amos rapidly fired two of the young lieutenants, then turned to a nearby mirror and attempted to fire himself just before being tackled to the floor, where he was finally gagged and hooded to prevent further firings.

During a subsequent search of Amos’ office, officers discovered a stockpile of letters firing tens of thousands of Marines — effectively the entire Marine Corps. The letters were already written up and addressed, and, according to investigators, only needed signatures and postage.

“He had obviously been planning this for a while. We’re lucky it wasn’t worse,” said one investigator.

When called to provide a comment, Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Micheal Barrett could not be reached, but his Twitter feed said, “On leave in beautiful Gatlinburg, TN! Make time for your families, Marines. No job is so important that the Corps will go crazy if you leave for a week.”

Marine Corps

134 percent of Marines arrested in nationwide ASVAB cheating scam

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marine at computer

Federal officials charged thousands of active duty Marines, including several prominent recruiters, today in what the Justice Department says was a costly $5 scheme to cheat ASVAB testing standards.

Nine gazillion Marines allegedly paid a strange man in a trench coat who said he would fabricate test scores and organize bribes to help men and women gain acceptance into the highly regarded service.

“We’re talking about pure dishonesty and rampant fraud — completely fake test scores, fake MEPS physical exams, and bribed officials with meet and greets with Jim Mattis,” Blake Strathman, a U.S. Marine Corp Recruitment Oversight official said at a news conference.

Strathman said Marines “paid from up to $5 to a whole box of crayons” to try to ensure that their scores went above the required 32 to enter the service. The accused allegedly sent bribes to associates controlled by a Virginia man named Dan Shaw in return for securing passing scores on the ASVAB as well as for spreading rumors that they are very strong and mean.

Shaw also presented his clients as elite killers, Strathman said.

“In some cases, Shaw helped Marine applicants take staged photographs of them engaged in Spartan races and intense paintball competitions,” he said. “Other times, Shaw and his connections used stock photos of famous wartime battles and photoshopped the face of the applicant onto the picture and submitted them to recruiters.”

Strathman was asked if he has 250 fake photoshopped pictures and 175 bribes, how many pictures and bribes does he have in all

“SEVEN! No wait. If you carry the two and subtract the 5, you end up with $35 dollars and a 2 strippers with dragon tattoos! Did I win?” he responded.

A total of one thousand million have been charged in the recruitment scheme, according to Marine Corps officials. More than twenty zillion people in multiple states were taken into custody Wednesday as part of “Operation No Impact, No Idea,” said Jake Pugh, special agent in charge of the Marine’s Investigation division.

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Marine Corps

Opinion: Jerkin’ it at sea is a lot like jerkin’ it while not at sea

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By Sgt. Steven Mode, flight equipment technician

Sometimes things in life are the same, and other times things are different. One thing that is the same for me everywhere is wacking it.

On a train or in Bahrain, on a float or off the boat, masturbating is about the same wherever I go. Sure, sometimes I have to worry about getting knocked around if the seas are rough, or passing out if the porta-shitter is really hot, but generally speaking, the experience of jerking it has been pretty consistent. For example, one time I was beating it on the USS Bonhomme Richard, and another time I was beating it not there. See? Exactly the same.

Others may disagree, but nothing I’m saying is too wacko. People often ask me, “Hey! Don’t you think that masturbating on the USS Bataan is different from masturbating when you’re not on the USS Bataan?” But my answer is always a flat “NO! It’s the same for me everywhere.”

Think about it, what’s so different about rubbing one out in an unlocked quadcon on the USS Wasp versus doing it in another place? First of all, they shouldn’t have left the quadcon unlocked, but isn’t that basically the same as tugging it in the IPAC bathroom on Pendleton? My point exactly.

Last year, I was doing it when I was on watch in Iraq, and I was like, “Hmmm. This is about the same as that time I was doing it on my rack on the Green Bay, and I was right!” For me, it’s like going to McDonalds. No matter where I am, I know what to expect.

The only time it was different was when I was beating it back home in Michigan and my bathroom caught on fire because a rat got stuck in the space heater. Never had an experience like that before. Talk about crazy!

In conclusion, jerking it is something I do a lot and is about the same wherever I go. Thank you.

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Marine Corps

Battalion commander eliminates all liberty incidents by telling Marines to ‘do the right thing’

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines from 1st Battalion 7th Marine Regiment are determined not to have any incidents this weekend after their battalion commander urged them to “do the right thing” at his weekly liberty brief, sources confirmed today.

Lt. Col. Mark Branfield’s remarks normally focus on training highlights from the past week and implicit calls to “protect what you’ve earned,” but this Friday, Branfield explicitly addressed liberty incidents. He told the Marines not to commit any felonies or haze each other, according to Marines present for the briefing.

“The boys are disciplined,” he explained. “I told them to do the right thing, and I’m sure that is exactly what they will do.”

Branfield’s straightforward approach seems to have had an immediate effect on the battalion.

“You know, I was dead set on murdering a hooker and burying her in Joshua Tree tomorrow,” Lance Cpl. Kevin Carlos said, “but that wouldn’t be right, and I am going to do the right thing this weekend because the battalion commander told me to.”

Pfc. (Third Award) Alonzo Morris of Baker Company, who currently holds the regimental record of six consecutive weekends with a Sunday morning call to his platoon sergeant, said Branfield’s words inspired him.

“I don’t mean to get in trouble. I just don’t know what to do with myself when my team leader isn’t around,” Morris admitted. “All you gotta do is tell me to do the right thing, and I’ll do it.”

At press time, Marines in the battalion were standing in a school circle listening to the sergeant major piggyback off the battalion commander’s remarks. It is unclear whether they will be released by Monday morning.

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Marine Corps

Camp Lejeune residents invoiced for any superpowers developed after water poisoning

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SMALLVILLE, Kansas — Past residents of Camp Lejeune were recently sent invoices for any superpowers they may have developed from a series of incidents starting in 1953 that led to the toxic contamination of the drinking water supply in base housing, sources confirmed today.

The invoices arrived after the Department of Veterans Affairs received several reports of superpowers concerning an aging population that was living on base at the time. The exact source of the contamination was never determined, but rumors link it to a combination of fuel farm leakage, off-base dry cleaning mismanagement, and runoff from excess motivation of second lieutenants.

The Beckett family received invoices in the mail for a combined total of $45,000. Stephanie Johnson and her husband Glenn, 65 and 68 respectively, developed their superpowers about 10 years prior.

“I can understand billing my husband. He got teleportation,” Stephanie said. “But all I got was an enhanced sensitivity to race relations. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m a Republican!”

The controversy has increased over the years as various internal investigations have cleared the U.S. government of accountability while some whistleblowers still insist that base officials were aware of the problem and attempted to cover it up. One retired service member said he submitted an official report — which showed water toxicity levels up to 3,400 times over the recommended safe amount — to the base commander.

The commander “crumbled up the documents, stuffed them underneath his shirt, and pretended they were boobies,” the service member said.

James Holder, another local resident, received an invoice for $8,000. At first, he attempted to contact Defense Financing and Accounting Services to negotiate payment, but after being routed through several different departments, he was told that since he directly benefited from the contamination the U.S. government was entitled to reimbursement and garnishment of his disability payments if necessary.

“I guess the laser eyes aren’t that bad,” Holder said. “I can’t look in the mirror anymore or gaze lovingly into my wife’s eyes, but hey, at least I don’t have cancer.”

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Marine Corps

Afraid of talking on radio, Millennials Snapchat for fire

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AFGHANISTAN – Millennial troops are using Snapchat to call fire missions as a new survey indicates that millennial troops are too anxiety-ridden to talk on the radios, sources confirmed today.

The problem began years back with the generation’s fear of picking up the phone and answering doorbells, but crisis looms as the behavior bleeds over into the professional warfighting environment.

“That crack of the radio is just so sudden, you know? It’s terrifying,” said Capt. Aiden Mason, who was discovered in his company post huddled beneath his desk in fear, cradling a chai latte and an armful of participation trophies as his Gen-X battalion commander tried to contact him over the airwaves.

To combat this predicament, the Marine Corps has begun outfitting its observers with electronic tablets with a built in “Call for Fire” Snapchat expansion app.

“The project took off after we started issuing tablets equipped with the navigational app ‘Waze’ to boot lieutenants and “Uber X-tract” for on-demand helicopter extraction. Snapping for fire just sort of felt like the logical next step,” Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller said.

Air Naval Gunfire Liaison Companies request assistance by sending selfies to artillery batteries, CAS pilots, and naval gunfire platforms under the program. The app even allows troops to call for fire entirely through use of emojis as studies show that 83 percent of the “No Child Left Behind” generation is entirely illiterate. Several photos leaked of infantrymen making duck lips using combat selfie sticks with phrases like “Yaaaaaas, slay” scrawled across the screen.

“This new app is so fire, it really helps with my anxiety,” said Lt. Raz Saturn, an Air Force drone pilot with pink hair and cateye glasses who doesn’t have a callsign because she finds them offensive and “otherizing”

“To be honest, I’m literally mostly just excited to be able to yeet down some arty while taking a fat dump and hitting my Juul,” said Lance Cpl. Craig Johnson, who sources say frequently shares photographs of his feces with fellow Marines.

This new program is not without its critics. Primarily middle-aged veterans who define their entire identity by a four-year enlistment in a peacetime military and spent the following three decadesas subpar midgrade GS employees have criticized the move as “weak” and “coddling a bunch of snowflakes.” Many Boomer veterans expressed shock at the current generation, who has borne the brunt of America’s longest wars, and denied any complicity in the way their children were raised or shoddy policy that sent them to war.

Despite the naysayers, Neller expressed faith in the program.

“I can always count on my young Marines to be professional and lead the charge with adapting technology,” Neller said while throwing out a dab to show that he was “down with the youth.”

At press time, the “Text for Fire” program was discontinued after a lance corporal accidentally called in an air strike on a friendly village while power-swiping on Tinder.

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Marine Corps

Marine Corps to reduce infantryman’s load by recruiting fewer wussies

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In an attempt to reduce the weight carried by already overburdened infantryman, the Marine Corps announced today that it would seek to reduce troops’ combat loads by recruiting fewer wussies.

“Studies by the Marine Corps Warfighting Lab and Center for Naval Analyses have shown that we can greatly decrease injury rates by reducing the number of wimps, wusses, and Nancy-pantses in our infantry units,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller.

“Further, we believe a battalion’s lethality will increase ten to fifteen percent simply by removing all broke dick losers from its ranks.”

Previous studies from the World War II and Vietnam War eras showed that the maximum amount of weight under which the average infantryman could effectively operate in combat was 45 to 50 pounds. However, Neller believes this load could be increased to 80 or even 90 pounds for any Marine that is not a “candy-ass bitch.”

“After months of lab experiments and field testing, we’ve concluded that a Marine could travel farther and faster under load if he or she is not a pathetic, spineless jellyfish,” said CNA physiologist Dr. Zeb Krantz. “Much of the pain and fatigue often associated with rucking and patrolling can be overcome by a steady practice of sucking it the fuck up.”

Operational testing by Marine units in Twentynine Palms, California, also showed that most Marine could increase their carrying capacity by regularly lifting heavy weights and not being a flaccid little creampuff. The Warfighting Lab has even developed a qualitative assessment called the Performance and Nerve System (PANSys) for determining whether a prospective recruit is an impotent softy.

“We’re still in the beginning stages of implementation,” said Neller. “But I’m confident we’ll be able to get rid of all chickenshit fat bodies by the end of the year.”

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Marines with no combat experience haze Marines with equal amount of combat experience

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – A hazing scandal has rocked the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center after multiple reports of inappropriate treatment towards junior Marines, sources confirmed today.

The alleged perpetrators, a group of lance corporals with 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines, maintain their innocence, citing their solemn duty as non-commissioned officers to train their Marines.

The group recently returned from a six month deployment to the “central command area of responsibility,” during which they were exposed to absolutely no danger or anything closely resembling combat.

“I just spent six months standing post in Kuwait, do you think I would have been capable of guarding a base in a completely safe and sovereign nation if I hadn’t had a broom stick shoved up my ass as a private?” said Lance Cpl. James Stockton.

“Yeah, how do you think I would have had the mental fortitude to lift twice a day and consume 7,000 calories per meal if I hadn’t been punched in the face by my seniors?” added Lance Cpl. Daniel Gonzalez.

The Marines’ platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nathan White, gave a confusing and contradictory statement.

“Back in my day, this would have been considering training, but you know, you can’t do that shit, but you know, sometimes things happen when they shouldn’t happen, and sometimes that’s the way it is,” he said.

The key witness, 2nd Lt. Joshua Emerson, was standing his first duty when he stumbled across the scene.

“I heard someone yell, ‘You boot fucks are going to learn what it’s like to eat three delicious meals a day and attend Air Force sponsored activities,’” Emerson said. “Then they started shoving cake in their mouths, making them identify the flavor. One Marine said chocolate, but the correct answer was dulce de leche.”

The groups’ commanding officer, Lt. Col. John Q. Kraft, was particularly perplexed by the hazing incident, having spent over 49 hours personally briefing the Marines on the dangers of hazing.

“We did seven consecutive safety stand-downs,” Kraft said. “This is definitely not my fault and should not impact my career.”

Kraft took swift action in response to the incident. He placed one officer and one staff non-commissioned officer on every deck of the barracks for 24-hour shifts. When asked if the new policy may have contribute low unit morale, Kraft scoffed.

“Nonsense, I stood duty every day for three years when I was a lieutenant, these boots need to be tougher. It’s not hazing, its good training,” he said.

The commanding general has already convicted the alleged hazers to two life sentences, despite lacking the authority to do so.

“Hazers don’t deserve due process,” the general was heard yelling within earshot of the base’s frustrated legal team.

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Marine Corps

Navy announces newest occupational specialty: ‘meat gazer’

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WASHINGTON  — The Navy announced today the creation of a new career track to help with its large urinalysis test backlog: meat gazer.

The new Navy occupational specialty will require sailors to keep an eye on the wieners of service members as they urinate into collection cups during drug tests.

“Meat gazing was historically a low-level collateral duty for go getters who volunteered to impress commanders, weirdos who enjoy checking out other dudes’ packages, or simple run-of-the-mill perverts. Now, it’s a full-time job,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer.

The meat gazer rating is the result of a petition that went viral and gained the attention of Navy leaders.

The Marines started the petition.org effort as a joke, but it quickly garnered service-wide exposure. Roughly 245,000 sailors signed the petition within days, which equates to nearly three-quarters of the Navy begging and yearning to stare at rods for a living.

“In addition to the petition, we also noted that a large number of sailors already excelled in staring at the genitalia of other male sailors in the restroom,” said Capt. Richard D. Head, who is spearheading the new initiative. “It really made sense to build a satisfying career track for these hog worshipers.”

While sailors from across the Navy have been submitting rate-change request packets in record numbers, most of the new meat gazers are expected to come from the ranks of the Navy’s master at arms rating, which already has a high number of habitual meat gazers.

Advancement exams for the new specialty will cover topics such as advising sailors on how to handle their beef during testing, keeping urine containers uncontaminated, and requiring sailors to stand far enough away from urinals to allow meat gazers the perfect view to see urine leave the penis.

“Sometimes we are staring more intently and concentrating harder than the person trying to push urine through their meat sticks,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Jack M. Hoff. “But the whole experience is satisfying to everyone involved. I’m glad the Navy has heard our voices and is allowing meat gazers to exist. I’m beyond excited.”

Sailors hoping to obtain a slot as a meat gazer have been spending their free time hanging out in as many locker rooms as possible, practicing their trade, and honing their skills, according to sources.

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