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Marine Corps

Commandant Attempts To Fire Entire Marine Corps

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – “Fire them! Fire them all!” raved Gen. James Amos, foaming at the mouth as he was escorted to a waiting police cruiser in a straitjacket late Friday. Amos is en route to a high security psychiatric facility following a firing spree during which he attempted to relieve the entire United States Marine Corps.

It began Thursday morning, when Amos unexpectedly fired his aide. Sources believe the firing was prompted when Amos saw an article in The Marine Corps Times that suggested he was becoming increasingly unhinged. The article, which contained information that caused Amos to believe it was leaked from sources close to him, alleged that he believed he was surrounded by invisible enemies who wished to ruin his legacy as Commandant through leaks to the media, sexual assaults, safety incidents, war crimes, alcohol-related incidents, wasting water, and even their own suicides.

When Assistant Commandant Gen. John Paxton spoke up on behalf of the young officer, Amos fired him as well, believing him to be a co-conspirator. The situation soon spiraled out of control, with Amos running down the halls kicking in doors, and firing everyone he encountered. Victims of this portion of the spree included several of Amos’ deputy commandants, large portions of their staffs, one very startled janitor, and Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.).

“Are you a Marine?” Amos asked, wild-eyed, not recognizing the member of the Armed Forces Committee.

“Hell yes I am,” replied Blumenthal, who left the Marine Corps Reserve at the rank of sergeant in the mid-1970s.

“You’re fired too!” Amos screamed into his face before running farther down the hall.

At this point, Lt. Gen. Richard Mills and Sergeant Major Gary Weiser, the leadership of the Marine Corps Combat Development Command (MCCDC) and the highest ranking Marines left in the building, attempted to rally the remaining Marines against the Commandant’s administrative onslaught. Weiser gathered all the Marines he could find, and assembled them at a rally point identified by Mills, a hallway adjacent to Amos’ rampage.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Mills explained. “The Commandant’s center of gravity is his ability to fire Marines. His critical vulnerability is that he needs to be able to see us and speak to us to exercise that ability, and he’s got a limited field of vision.  We’re going to exploit that by breaking into multiple groups and catching him in the hallway by the elevators, where he can’t escape, in order to put him in a dilemma where dealing with one advance leaves him with his back to the other.”

“Form three groups, right now. You three sergeants are in charge. Supporting effort, main effort, and your group is the reserve. Got it?” he asked, looking each noncommissioned officer straight in the eyes.

“Supporting effort, you will advance down the eastern hallway to draw the Commandant’s attention and fix him in place. I will be with you, so if the Commandant fires anyone, he’ll have to fire me first. Main effort, as the supporting effort fixes the Commandant in place, you’ll approach from the opposite direction, put this gag in his mouth, and put this bag over his head. Reserve, you’ll follow in trace of the main effort. Be prepared to rapidly advance around them and distract the Commandant as an additional supporting effort if need be. Also, reserve and supporting effort, be prepared to assume the mission of the main effort, since you will also be equipped with field expedient gags and bags to put over the Commandant’s head, just in case.”

“When we leave here, you’ll have five minutes to be in position. After that, I will initiate the attack by shouting down the hallway. Does anyone have any questions about the plan?” Mills asked. “No? Alright, you’re all Marines, you know what to do. Let’s move.”

Minutes later, the floor reverberated with Mills’ booming “FOLLOW ME!” as the general bounded down the hallway like a lion. Across the building, Weiser leapt around the corner in response, and rushed toward the distracted Commandant’s back. To their shock, Amos calmly fired Mills, and then, hearing the Sergeant Major’s war cries behind him, turned around and fired Weiser as well.

They then watched in disbelief as the Marines rallied by Weiser slowly marched around the corners and down the hallways in perfect formation, occasionally executing to the rear march or open and close ranks, all with no verbal commands, while several others filmed them for commercials or wrote press releases about the brilliance of the operation.  While this was all very impressive, it provided the Commandant with sufficient time to completely relieve the entire supporting effort and make his getaway while firing several more Marines over his shoulder as he ran.

According to an oral history interview of Weiser conducted just after the incident by one of the Marines from the main effort, he claimed that when he rallied the Marines, most of whom were only temporarily detailed to the Pentagon from Headquarters Marine Corps commands like the Silent Drill Platoon, Recruiting Command, and the History Division, he had been looking only at their ranks, and noted that he and Mills probably would have done some things differently if it had been Friday and they could have seen the ribbons on the Marines’ Charlie uniforms.

Soon after, Amos locked himself in a third floor office with a group of terrified young lieutenants who were visiting from The Basic School, and threatened to fire every last one of them “if anybody tries anything.” He armed himself with a bullhorn, and every time a Marine stepped out of cover in the area below, Amos fired them. The Pentagon Force Protection Agency (PFPA, pronounced “piff-puh”) refused to respond, noting that Amos had committed no crime that they had jurisdiction to arrest him for. Marine Corps military police from Quantico were slow to arrive, and, upon arrival, were effectively neutralized by the Commandant’s ability to fire them.

The first casualty was the hostage negotiator, who called Amos and was immediately fired over the phone.

When the door was finally broken down by Army military police specially brought in to subdue him, Amos rapidly fired two of the young lieutenants, then turned to a nearby mirror and attempted to fire himself just before being tackled to the floor, where he was finally gagged and hooded to prevent further firings.

During a subsequent search of Amos’ office, officers discovered a stockpile of letters firing tens of thousands of Marines — effectively the entire Marine Corps. The letters were already written up and addressed, and, according to investigators, only needed signatures and postage.

“He had obviously been planning this for a while. We’re lucky it wasn’t worse,” said one investigator.

When called to provide a comment, Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Micheal Barrett could not be reached, but his Twitter feed said, “On leave in beautiful Gatlinburg, TN! Make time for your families, Marines. No job is so important that the Corps will go crazy if you leave for a week.”

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Air Force

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Marine Corps

Opinion: I am very tired

By Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps

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Good Morning, Marines.

As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life’s greatest joys.

However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.

I’m just exhausted. I’ve been doing this shit since 1975, and I’ve got to tell you, man, I’m pooped. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I’m really not sure.

I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can’t let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?

Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who’s like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn’t a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I’m fucking tracking.

But you assholes — and I’m speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for… I don’t know… the next three hours.

Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.

Bottom line, Marines: It’s not easy at the top.

So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you’ve earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I’m in the fucking Global.

Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn’t had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.

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Marine Corps

Report: Camp Lejeune Marines sandbagged during their sandbagging mission

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marines at Camp Lejeune and the surrounding area were totally sandbagging during their mission to sandbag areas of the base in preparation for the hurricane, sources confirmed today.

“I don’t even freaking know why we’re out here, man,” said Lance Cpl. Allen Jones, an ammunition specialist with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, taking his 17th smoke break earlier this week.

“You honestly are going to sit there and tell me a 30-pound sandbag is going to stop a freaking hurricane? I’m no general or meteorologist, but we’re all fucked for sure.”

Hurricane Florence is expected to cause massive flooding over the weekend near Camp Lejeune and its surrounding areas. Potential flooding led Brig. Gen. Julian D. Alford, the commanding general of Camp Lejeune, to order the filling and stacking of sandbags around mission-critical structures on-post, as well as within the local community.

“Since 1941, this base and its Marines have been postured to deal with crises at home and abroad and Hurricane Florence is no exception,” Alford said, adding that Marines needed something to do to distract them from attempting to jump off their 3rd floor balconies while tied to a poncho liner with 550 cord.

“I joined the Marines to serve my country and I guess stacking sandbags is part of it, as much as I don’t want to be out here,” said Pfc. James Ramirez, a supply clerk with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines. “I mean it’s just a hurricane, like we’ll be fine, even if the mission fails, right?”

When asked about the larger impact of the sandbagging mission, Ramirez rolled his eyes, and started to fill what would actually be his only sandbag of the day.

“I’m over this shit,” he said as he threw his shovel into a large sand pile and lit up another cigarette.

As of Saturday morning, an estimated zero buildings on Camp Lejeune had been effectively sandbagged, even with the entire battalion working since Wednesday.

Still, Jones and his fellow squad members were able to sandbag three nearby strip clubs, two bars, and six tattoo parlors, all in under an hour.

“I’ll be damned if a hurricane is going to take away where I spend my weekends,” Jones said. “Don’t ever tell me I haven’t sacrificed for my country.”

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Marine Corps

Marines mop parking lot in preparation for VIP hurricane

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CAMP LEJEUNE — With a very important Category 4 hurricane charging towards the eastern seaboard, Marine leaders are instructing barracks residents to present a sterling image, which includes a total clean-up of the inside of their rooms and mopping of the parking lots, sources confirmed today.

“This very impressive hurricane could get a lot of TV coverage, and we can’t have the world seeing a dirty parking lot outside the barracks when the cameras start rolling,” Sgt. Maj. Charles A. Metzger, the base sergeant major, told reporters. “I mean, how ridiculous would that make us look?”

The list of preparatory tasks also includes mowing the dirt and painting gravel.

Metzger emphasized that these tasks were in the best interests of the Marines.

“Everyone knows that a Marine off duty will only get into trouble,” he noted while watching a grown man on his hands and knees pull pieces of broken glass from under a bush. “Even though I can’t imagine why Marines would ever need to drink or mentally escape with a career this good.”

At press time, Marines were being instructed to use dustpans for bailing water into the barracks showers to keep the parking lot dry during the storm.

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Marine Corps

Marine dies waiting for pair-of-socks transplant donor

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corpsman

SAN DIEGO — Marine Cpl. Alexander Robinson passed away early Saturday after a suitable donor could not be found for a pair-of-socks transplant, sources confirmed today.

Robinson first checked in to Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton Tuesday morning after suffering a severe ankle sprain during his unit’s annual combat fitness test, officials said. Doctors immediately placed him on an IV drip of dihydrogen monoxide and issued him a straw, as he was initially assessed as stable with strong hopes for a full recovery.

By early Wednesday evening, however, his condition worsened and he slipped into a coma. Intubating him with a steady supply of Motrin, doctors made the decision to go ahead with a pair-of-socks replacement and put him on the transplant list.

“It was a tough call,” said Navy Cmdr. Andrea Johnson, the on-call surgeon. “Being infantry, he is by default half brain-dead, and therefore technically doesn’t meet the criteria for a POS transplant. However, we were optimistic the procedure could save his life, and so we requested the new socks. The issue was time, and if a suitable replacement could be found.”

To buy time, Cmdr. Johnson ordered doctors to rub some dirt on Robinson, which seemed to be just what he needed before a potential donor was found. Unfortunately, a donor compatibility test revealed that the white PT socks were not a match for Robinson’s Fox River boot socks.

The Marine held on for more than 10 hours waiting for a donor, but eventually his injuries were too much, and he was pronounced dead just before 12:30 a.m. Saturday morning.

A Pentagon spokesman told reporters that the entire Department of Defense sends its thoughts and prayers to Robinson’s family and unit members. The spokesman also added that he would be posthumously demoted for unauthorized absence, failing to complete annual training, and malingering.

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Army

Google unveils new search tool to help infantrymen find jobs as security guards

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Google has unveiled a new search tool to help Army and Marine infantrymen find jobs as security guards, truck drivers, and professional hitmen, sources confirmed today.

In an announcement earlier this week, the Silicon Valley tech giant rolled out its job search tool in order to help military personnel transition to civilian life. One tool appears after a veteran types in “jobs for veterans” into the Google search box, allowing them to input their military occupational specialty and see jobs in their area that pertain to their skillset.

Infantrymen using the service will see a wide variety of jobs available in their area, which run the gamut from unarmed security guard to armed security guard. Some locations also show infantry-centric jobs such as school janitor and restaurant dishwasher — an example of Google’s algorithm understanding that most infantry personnel clean their barracks or their weapons for about 98 percent of their enlistment.

In addition to the job search tool, Google also announced a grant for veterans to pursue a career in IT support and added the ability for civilians to falsely claim their business was veteran-owned.

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Marine Corps

Marines’ balls bigger than ever this year

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QUANTICO, Va. — The annual Marine Corps birthday celebration is approaching, and the Corps says this year its balls are bigger than they have ever been.

“We’ve been working the issue for a while, and nearing the peak of our planning, I can finally say all our units will have huge balls,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Ronald L. Green. “When people hear about our balls, they’re going to want to come right away.”

This year marks the 243rd birthday of the Corps, and despite budget cuts, Marines worldwide are expected to pull it off in style. Though some of the units in the Asia-Pacific region are smaller in size, they still intend to party hard.

“We’re not trying to blow the bugle too soon, but fireworks are going to explode at the end of our event,” said Lt. Gen. Eric M. Smith, commanding general of III Marine Expeditionary Force in Okinawa, Japan.

Given the large number events planned worldwide, banquet space has been difficult to find for some battalions, so the Navy has stepped in and offered to hold their balls. The majority of units declined, however, saying they weren’t interested in having seamen all over the place.

While some at the Pentagon were concerned about the Marines inviting the general public to their private celebrations, Defense Secretary James Mattis was clear about the issue.

“The more people we can touch with our balls, the better.”

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Army

Army announces double deep-fried jalapeño cheese ravioli burrito MRE

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NATICK, Mass. — Army leaders have announced their next line of meals, ready to eat (MRE) will be four times the size of a regular meal and feature new items such as a double deep-fried jalapeño cheese ravioli burrito, sources confirmed today.

The announcement of MRE #38, which has already been dubbed a “Mega MRE,” comes as some soldiers have demanded more food during high op-tempo missions, while others have requested new and larger menu items for when they are skipping PT and just getting fat during year-long deployments to Kuwait.

Born out of the Combat Feeding Directorate at the Natick Soldier Research, Production and Supply Center, researchers decided to tackle a burrito that weighed in over a pound soon after they had perfected the new pizza MRE, which features a pepperoni topping and an accessory packet of diarrhea.

“We were tired of asking ourselves ‘why’ and just said ‘fuck it, why not’,” Natick spokesman Peter Sawka told reporters, adding that, since jalapeño cheese spread was already popular with troops, researchers decided to just mutate the recipe to the extreme.

“We were going to add beef, bacon, and a hot sauce into it, but that would end up weighing more than the average paratrooper,” he said.

At least some soldiers will be able to unhinge their jaw and inhale this the monstrosity by Thanksgiving, since Mega MREs will be deployed for downrange testing in mid-November, according to officials. Besides the main burrito meal, it will also include various snacks such as Bacon Pork Belly Sausage in Creamy Alfredo Mayonnaise Sauce, High Protein Snickers Bar Sandwich with Marshmallow Dip, Fried Buttered Pretzel Fries, M&M, Starburst, and Chocolate Chip Trail Mega-Mix, and Non-Descript Black Protein Shake (Ingredients Unknown).

Each MRE will provide about 13,660 calories, while its durable packaging allows it to be airdropped by parachute from 150 feet, although the shockwave after its landing will most likely level a small village, officials said.

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