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Military Justice System Augmented By Shariah Law

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. military has confirmed rumors that it plans to augment the Uniform Code of Military Justice, or UCMJ, with parts of Islamic Shariah law.

“In the name of God, the most compassionate and merciful, and his Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, I announce that the Uniform Islamic Code of Military Justice is hereby declared operational,” Army judge advocate Lt. Gen. Dana Chipman told reporters at a press conference. Chipman was flanked by his new deputy advisor, Dr. Osama al-A’bd from the Islamic Al-Azhar university in Egypt.

The change originally began as an investigation in response to congressional complaints that commanders were using the UCMJ to abuse subordinates accused of misconduct, while exonerating more senior-level officers. While conducting the review, the group tasked with overhauling the UCMJ accidentally discovered an 1813 treaty signed between the United States and the Bey of Tripoli.

According to the treaty, which was both ratified by Congress and signed into law by President James Madison, “In exchange for cessation of piracy and restoration of captives, the United States shall henceforth become an Islamic nation.”

While the President and Congress have called an emergency session to repeal the law, the Supreme Court has ruled that until then military law must conform to basic Islamic norms, upending its centuries of fair and unbiased rulings, as well as reputation for even-handed justice that has made it so popular among the U.S. military.

Some military leaders are urging Congress not to be too hasty.

“Look, I was all against [Shariah] until I realized I could now just ban my soldiers from drinking; within a week our liberty incidents had dropped to nothing,” said Army chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno.

Members of the Judge Advocate General’s Corps are livid.

“How can they possibly force us to run a modern military using an outdated legal system that’s centuries old,” Maj. Bryan Medina wrote in a widely-published e-mail. “I can’t believe that in the twenty-first century we’re actually going to have to waste time on things like adultery and sodomy. And don’t even get me started on those mandatory facial hair regulations!”

Capt. Georgina Attaway feared that Shariah law might actually increase instances of sexual assault in the ranks.

“These new rules provide no safeguards for our most vulnerable members: the junior enlisted soldier,” she told Duffel Blog. “The way the new UICMJ is structured, if an underage female private first class is out drinking and gets sexually assaulted, her command can still prosecute her for violating Article 134. And if it’s by an officer or staff [noncommissioned officer], she can be charged with fraternization too!”

Other senior JAG members are confident this will not happen.

“Despite these hiccups, we fully intend to fulfill our congressional orders to cut down on sexual assault in the ranks,” said Col. Dan Driessen. “I recently presided over a case where we successfully convicted a 19-year-old soldier of statutory rape after she claimed she was assaulted by a 17-year-old sailor: clear evidence that Shariah has helped us move beyond any ‘blame-the-victim’ accusations.”

The new policy is affecting current court cases too. Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair was able to have all of his charges reduced to a single misdemeanor since his accusers failed to produce the required four witnesses to his acts. As part of the plea bargain, his wife now faces life in prison for “poor moral character.” Bradley Manning also had all of his charges dropped, since Shariah law fails to address espionage, but is now facing a series of new charges based on his sexual orientation and failure to pray five times a day.

After accused Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan proudly boasted to his Shariah judge that he had committed the murders in the name of jihad, he was politely asked what Qadi, or religious judge, had authorized the killings. When he was unable to cite a recognized authority other than ‘the Internet,’ he was summarily dragged out of the courtroom and beheaded.

Air Force

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Former PT stud now lives in barn

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CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

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Army

Wow! This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired

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KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Not every soldier is as lucky as Pvt. Jesse Butler, who just signed his enlistment papers on his 17th birthday and will get the opportunity to fight in the same war that the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks inspired.

Although Butler came into the world on a terrible day in U.S. history, he’s thanking his lucky stars today that he has the privilege of avenging that attack just like thousands of others that came before and after him.

“I’m really thankful for people like Jesse who are stepping up to serve this country at a time of war,” said Sgt. 1st Class Elon Rodriguez, his recruiter. “And in his specific case, the war is the same one he’s known his whole life.”

Butler will soon ship off to Army basic training where he’ll get physically fit and learn all kinds of skills that will serve him well in Afghanistan, which the U.S. has been fighting in since before people knew what an Apple iPod was.

(Although the “classic” Apple iPod was discontinued in 2014, the obsolete War in Afghanistan continued its production run to the present day).

Sources say it’s possible that Butler may be sent to Kandahar, where his father once served, or to Bagram, where his older brother is currently deployed.

Butler has told reporters he can’t wait to pass on his knowledge of the country and how to fight the Taliban to his own sons.

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Deeply-broken Major looks forward to mentoring high-functioning Captains

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Maj. Greg Jordan, a twice-divorced functional alcoholic serving as the executive officer of the 39th Special Troops Battalion, is really looking forward to mentoring the two new high-functioning Captains assigned to the unit, sources confirmed today.

“I’ve been watching them, trying to make a careful consideration of where I can be of the most use of a mentor, and I think my job’s going to be easy,” said Jordan over a bottle of Military Special brand scotch in the apartment he never really furnished after his last wife left him.

“Take [Ryan] Cooper. On paper, he looks good. But I just heard him say, ‘this white paper that’s due tomorrow is an 80% solution, but getting it to 100% isn’t possible in the time. I’m going to go home and take the kids for a while so my wife can get a break.’ Yeah. Seriously. I’d still be at work right now. I’ll pull him out of PT tomorrow and talk to him.”

Capts. Cooper and Kelsey Wheatly spoke to reporters about their new rater on a recent interval run they planned after finding the pace on the unit run too slow to be challenging. “He really cares about mentorship,” Wheatly said of the major. “So much that he’ll pull you away from giving clear guidance to your subordinates so that he can tell you a story about when he was a captain.”

Cooper added, laughingly: “It’s fun because sometimes his stories last two hours and have no point to them. We call it ‘torMentorship.”

Jordan is excited to introduce a book list to his unit, mostly consisting of books he’s never read but saw on another list while roughly half are books he was assigned in intermediate-level education Army schoolhouses have long ago moved on from. None of the books are specifically applicable to the work the unit is doing or trying to do, but the mandatory meetings will be scheduled during the company training meetings his captains were planning on supporting.

If all goes well, Jordan plans to expand his mentorship by finding unit time to have the battalion’s toxic sergeant major mentor the highest performing sergeants.

“The Army is full of toxic leaders, but I can control the people I lead,” said Jordan. “You want to hear about toxic leaders, I should tell you about this major I worked for in Grafenwhoer. We were prepping to go out into the field, and…”

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Air Force

Nike apologizes for forgetting military monopoly on sacrifice

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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Nike has issued a public apology to the military community after creating an advertisement featuring the text “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything,” over a picture of a football player who is not a military veteran, sources confirmed today.

“We completely forgot that the only sacrifice that means anything is that of our brave men and women in uniform,” Nike CEO Mark Parker wrote in a tweet on Thursday, days after a backlash erupted over an ad campaign that featured Colin Kaepernick.

“I failed to remember that until I saw a meme where conservatives appropriated the image of fallen warrior Pat Tillman’s face in our ad instead of Kaepernick’s. It highlighted how mutually exclusive their two sacrifices are and emphasized the military monopoly on sacrifice.”

When reached for further comment, Parker also cited the success of images and videos on social media protesting Nike’s ad by showing service members cutting the Nike swoosh logo off their apparel.

“It’s a well-known fact that companies can’t bear to watch customers disrespect their symbol,” he told reporters. “To put it into perspective, it’s almost as painful for us to witness as it is for others to see someone kneel during the national anthem.”

Parker followed up with another tweet after his original apology was well received.

“Thank you for leveraging the image of a deceased hero to remind Nike and its leadership of the only manifestation of bravery and expression of patriotism, which is service in the armed forces. I’m sure Corporal Tillman would appreciate you speaking up on his behalf in a hotly debated topic like this.”

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Army

‘Trust me on Afghanistan’, says man no one trusts

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Army

Dishonor Flight brings veterans back to the bar tabs they never settled

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WASHINGTON — An innovative new veteran’s non-profit is using private donations and support from several national airlines to reunite veterans with the shady shit they did in the past in their final days, sources confirmed today.

The program, called Dishonor Flight, has now helped more than 200 World War II veterans get back to the bar tabs they walked out on and women they lied to in order to sleep with.

“It was so inspirational,” said Kaycee Spisak, a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines who volunteered during a Dishonor Flight coming in from Duluth, Iowa. “These brave veterans, mostly in wheelchairs, were greeted by literally dozens of bartenders, bookies, pimps and landlords. That kind of passion is really inspiring.”

Dishonor Flight was off to a shaky start after several older veteran service organizations like the U.S.O. and Honor Flight refused to support the cause.

“I’m glad I did it,” said Battle of the Bulge Veteran Edwin Puller. “I heard about that Honor Flight, but it’s not worth missing 60 Minutes to see a duck pond in D.C. a bunch of no-good politicians built. But when Dishonor Flight called and reminded me I never settled up with my landlord at Camp Lewis when I left in ‘42, I got a good chuckle out of that. Good luck outliving me, chumps.”

Puller was shocked and surprised when not only his landlord, but a card shark and phony life insurance salesman were there to greet him, too.

“I wanted my grandchildren to see this. Grandpa went for one wild ride in ’42. After all the issued benzos and PX beer I’d roll into town and get deep into USO bitches. I’m surprised these are the only people I owe money. They must not know about the jazz clubs I snuck into.”

The Dishonor Flight ended with the old veterans and retired creditors kicking back some shots, reliving old times, and pointing out the errors in Band of Brothers.

Dishonor Flight plans to expand in the near future to set up flights to help Vietnam vets meet their middle-aged kids in Saigon and smoke a joint together, according to officials.

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Army

Afghan Army opens Corruption Center of Excellence

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KABUL — Senior Afghan and American commanders are celebrating following a ribbon-cutting ceremony to open the Afghanistan National Army’s Corruption Center of Excellence, sources confirmed today.

The Center, which will offer anywhere between one week to six months of course-work to soldiers depending on how much they bribe military officials, is being hailed as an incredible achievement for the country’s military. The total cost of construction for the facility was $289.3 million, according to Afghan officials, or $472.3 million, according to American officials.

“This is a bright day for the future of Afghanistan,” said Gen. Harir Noori, who will assume a ‘dual hat’ role as commandant of the school while also manning at least a few shifts per week in the Taliban combat operations center.

“I know that some may criticize this Center as a waste of money. That we have nothing left to learn about corruption,” Noori added. “But I’d just like to ask them: Just how much money are we talking about here?”

Borrowing its “center of excellence” namesake from the U.S. Army, the ANA Corruption Center of Excellence will certify enlisted soldiers and officers in how to more efficiently launder money, falsify reports, and inflate personnel numbers in order to take dollars sent from the United States and safeguard them under their mattresses at home.

The construction of the school follows other recent development projects in or around Kabul meant to help Afghanistan’s military and civilian population. These include a a new Texas BBQ eatery to support a continued U.S. military presence in the country and a facility for a new Afghan battlefield tour business that will shepherd first sergeants and sergeants major to the sites where they were shot at when they were privates 17 years ago.

Dark Laughter and Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.

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