Connect with us

News

‘Real Housewives Of CENTCOM’ To Debut On Bravo This Fall

Published

on

Real Housewives of CENTCOM

TAMPA, FL — Sources have learned that Bravo has begun filming a new reality series which is tentatively titled “The Real Housewives of CENTCOM.”  The show will follow the wives of high-ranking military and civilian officials working at the military’s Central Command, which has responsibility for the Middle East and is headquartered in Tampa, Fla.

Similar to “The Hills” or “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo,” the show will be “semi-scripted,” which in the reality TV world is generally understood to mean that events are not scripted ahead of time, but will sometimes be reshot or stage-managed in order to provide viewers a more concise and comprehensive viewing experience.

Primary cast members include: Bethanee “Bitsy” Perkins, the wife of 3-star Navy Admiral Fitzwilliam “Porky” Perkins; Patricia “Trish” Lorenzetti, the wife of Marine Lt. Gen. Lorenzo Lorenzetti; Elizabeth “Lovey” Higenbotham and Chastity Sidnow, wife and mistress, respectively, of 4-star Army Gen. Adolphus Higenbotham, III; Jillian Yancy, wife of the civilian CENTCOM Assistant Chief of Staff Mr. James Yancy; Jaedyn “JJ” Joyce, wife of 3-star Air Force General Kevin Joyce; and Vanessa Hardcastle and Mae Lin Soon, wife and mistress, respectively, of Marine Gen. (Ret.) Emerson Hardcastle.

Creator and Executive Producer is Clarence Somers, the creator of former wildly successful hits such as “Secret Service Bordello Confessionals” and “My Sweet Government Accountability Office Vegas Party.”

Showrunner Cathy Whitehall is coming off three seasons with “Justice Department Follies,” a little-known late-night show on HBO which followed hapless Justice employees as they tried unsuccessfully to investigate and prosecute cases deemed politically sensitive.

“The Real Housewives of CENTCOM” is still a closely-guarded property — the network has not even released a trailer or photographs — but the Duffel Blog was able to obtain several pages of episode transcripts, detailed below.

Page Fifteen, Episode Four

GENERAL LORENZETTI is in his private SCIF on the second floor of CENTCOM HQ, authorizing a JDAM strike to assist a 4-man SEAL team who have come under fire in an undisclosed location.  His wife, TRISH LORENZETTI, enters carrying a letter.  Gen. Lorenzetti’s aide, MAJOR SAM HUGHES, attempts to stop Trish in the outer office.

HUGHES: Ma’am, this is a secure location. We’ve got troops in contact.

TRISH: Don’t give me that crap. This is important.  She brushes past Hughes.

LORENZETTI: Oh, that feels—Trish! What are you—how nice to see you, babycakes! What can I do for you?  Smiling broadly.

TRISH: Hey sweetheart, you’re not busy, are you?

LORENZETTI: Over the sound of gunfire and screams over the radio. Not at all! What can I do for you?

TRISH: Well, you know, Danielle is having this awful custody battle with Mark.

LORENZETTI: Your sister?

TRISH: Yes, my sister. What other Danielle do you know?

LORENZETTI: Uh…

TRISH: Anyway, you know, the breakup with Mark, and they have this custody thing over who’s going to keep Jason—

LORENZETTI: The Pomeranian?

TRISH: Of course. So anyway, the judge is leaning towards Mark because of that whole misunderstanding when Danielle was in that home…

LORENZETTI:  You mean the asylum.

TRISH: That’s insensitive, babe. Come on.

LORENZETTI: She did commit arson and incite a riot inside a federal building, hon. There’s a reason she has a record.

TRISH: You’re starting to sound just like Mark. Men are all alike.

LORENZETTI: Sorry, honey.  You’re right. How can I help?

TRISH: If you can just sign this letter saying she’s upstanding and that you trust her completely around our kids and stuff …

LORENZETTI: Babe, you don’t trust her around our kids. You told Consuela to not even let her in the house if we’re not home.

TRISH: Well, the judge doesn’t need to know that.

On the radio, the SEAL team leader starts screaming for help again.

LORENZETTI: Look, hon, I have a thing here. I gotta—here, just give me the letter. He signs it and hands it back across the desk.

TRISH: Thanks, sweetheart. Will I see you at the Sinclair’s dinner party tonight, or will I have to take Lance again?

LORENZETTI: I’ll try to make it, hon. You know, if I wasn’t so sure Lance is gay, I’d be jealous.

TRISH: Yes.  Gay.  Yes.

LORENZETTI: Well, I’ll see you later. Love you.

TRISH: Kisses. She leaves.

LORENZETTI: Okay.

ELIZABETH “LOVEY” HIGENBOTHAM: Climbing up from under the desk, wiping her mouth and straightening her hair. That was close.

Page Five, Episode Two

BITSY PERKINS, VANESSA HARDCASTLE, and JJ JOYCE are sitting in silk robes sipping mimosas in a spa’s waiting room, where they will receive their weekly pedicure/manicure/facial/dermabrasion/Brazilian waxing/anal bleaching. This week, Bitsy is treating the other girls as a thank-you for driving her out of state on short notice. The spa attendant brings back Bitsy’s husband’s Government Travel Card and a tray of fresh drinks.

VANESSA: Thanks again for paying for this, Bitsy.

JJ: Yeah, girlfriend, you’re the best.

BITSY: No problem, ladies. You did me a favor, after all.

VANESSA: Hardly a favor. It was a nice little mini-vay-cay. Even if you did have to have that…you know, discreet procedure done.

BITSY: Ugh. Don’t tell me about it. I was sore for like two days. Couldn’t even dance much at the wine mixer that night.

VANESSA: I remember you cutting a rug pretty good.

JJ: Yeah, and didn’t I see you sneaking out with Colonel Westerweldt?

BITSY: Well, it was the wine mixer.  It would have been impolite to our hosts to not drink the wine.

The ladies giggle.

VANESSA: So did Porky ever find out? Are you going to tell him?

BITSY: Pfft. What for. He’s more concerned with calling Tommy’s teachers at the Point and yelling at them for giving him tours. Porky’s not worried about my health.

JJ: Is Tommy having trouble?

BITSY: Eh. Nothing a good talking-to from a superior—rank and social—won’t fix. These stupid instructors think that just because they won some shiny medals because they did something stupid in the desert, they have the right to tell a general’s son he’s out of line. Half of them don’t even belong to Who’s Who, and you know you’ve never seen them on Page Six.

VANESSA: I hate them. Em has to deal with them all the time. You just can’t teach breeding and class. I used to want to believe differently, but after being around them so much, I know it now.

JJ: Hey, not to change the subject, but do you think I should get a tattoo?

BITSY: Oooh, I do!  I love mine! She pulls open her robe, exposing her left buttock, where she has a pink dolphin tattooed. Colonel Westerweldt likes it too.

VANESSA: Yeah, he liked it so much we had to drive you to that clinic.

The ladies all giggle again.

“The Real Housewives of CENTCOM” does not yet have a firm premier date but Bravo executives speaking under the condition of anonymity have confirmed that the date will fall somewhere in early Fall of 2013.

Dick Scuttlebutt is a graduate of SAMS and a veteran of the War on Women. He won the coveted Weeping Mushroom Medal for his actions at Two Points Ridge. His Twitter feed @DickScuttlebutt was voted "best" by your sister. You can send hate mail to [email protected] Or buy his book here: http://tinyurl.com/kdeeg6p

News

SEAL ostracized by teams after passing drug test

Published

on

CORONADO, Calif. – A local Navy SEAL has found himself in hot water with others in the special warfare community after he passed a recent drug test, officials confirmed today.

Chief Petty Officer Special Warfare Operator Kyle McCleary, a 15-year veteran of the SEALs, was ordered to take the urinalysis as part of a Navy-wide crackdown on non-drug-usage in the teams.

The news of McCleary’s exclusion from team activities comes two weeks after officials revealed that 10 SEALs had successfully failed drug tests with an excellent showing of cocaine and methamphetamine in their systems.

“Those guys were winners. They know what it means to be a teammate — not McCleary, though,” said SEAL Petty Officer 1st Class Nathan Murphy. “He doesn’t belong anymore. A good SEAL always has at least some weed in his system. Hit the pipe or hit the road.”

Navy officials allowed Duffel Blog a peek into the world of the SEAL community with an invitation to spend off-duty hours with the SEALs. Reporters discovered a lot of shirtless flexing, hacky sack circles and parties with drugs. “Lots and lots of drugs,” one reporter wrote in a notebook.

SEALs — with their high operational tempo — understandably need a distraction during their off-duty activities. While most operators in other branches turn to exercise and chugging Red Bull to keep themselves busy, SEALs prefer cocaine, which is readily available when stationed near Mexico.

McCleary has opted out, however, choosing to stay away from activities that would put his trident at risk. His teammates believe it’s a mistake and acknowledge that he will be held accountable for “just saying no.”

“C’mon, what’s so hard about doing a little bump here and there?” asked Petty Officer 2nd Class Jason Toon, an East Coast-based SEAL with a faint coke ring around his right nostril. “All McCleary has to do is get with the program. Say, ‘Man, you got a razor blade I can borrow?'”

McCleary’s reputation within the SEAL community began to suffer years ago when he made the decision to eat healthy and drink only water. Despite his desire to be seen as a team player, McCleary was not willing to poison his body with horrible substances.

“Everyone’s doing it. It’s easy and convenient to pop down to Tijuana, score a little deca durabolin and report back Monday,” BUD/S instructor Todd Fuller said as he jabbed a needle into his left buttock. “Hell, popping positive is mandatory the last week of BUD/S. Otherwise, you simply don’t get into the teams at all.”

Rear Adm. Collin P. Green, commander of Naval Special Warfare Command, was asked during a press conference about McCleary’s failure to adhere to the highest traditions of the teams and Naval service by failing to get just a little bit high.

“I’m sorry. The surf is really loud this morning. I’m having a hard time hearing. Have a great day. Thanks,” said Green, before quickly excusing himself.

Continue Reading

News

Senator proudly cites DNA test to prove he’s nearly 1 percent veteran

Published

on

BOSTON — Massachusetts Democratic Sen. Dickard Rosenthal has released the results of genetic testing to add legitimacy to his claim that he is “basically a veteran” and “should be treated as such”.

The DNA test shows that he has a distant grandparent that may have possibly fought in the Thirty Years War, the French Revolution, or was a member of a Mongol horde terrorizing eastern Europe in the 13th century, Roesnthal said in a press release and a subsequent CNN-sponsored town hall event.

“I am proud to show the American people, and especially Donald Trump, that I am indeed pretty much a veteran, and the sacrifices on behalf of my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great (possibly) grandMOTHER’s (sic) service, between 300 and 1000 years ago, should not go unrecognized, or unrewarded,” Rosenthal’s press release reads.

“I am proud to possibly be tangentially related to someone who may have served something somewhere,” he added.

Rosenthal, a progressive firebrand widely considered to be a front-runner in the Democratic Party for the 2020 presidential primary, has faced repeated criticism for his decades-old claim of veteran status.

Records indicate the senator used his claim to be a veteran as a means to gain crucial status within a minority group as he applied to prestigious positions at Ivy League institutions and subsequently in his successful Senate run.

“Frankly, my previously uncorroborated claims were all I needed to be a veteran. But with this DNA test, I can now conclusively say I am distantly related to a veteran, which is basically the same as being one. It is now the responsibility of Donald Trump and his Republican allies to prove that I am not,” Rosenthal said.

Blondes Over Baghdad contributed to this report.

Image courtesy of the Department of Defense.

Continue Reading

Army

Army sergeant’s steampunk top hat springs class III leak in formation

Published

on

FORT LEONARD WOOD, Mo. – Army Sgt. Pennyworth Montgomery’s notably complex steampunk top hat sprung a class III leak in the middle of morning formation, sources confirmed today.

“I noticed it immediately,” said Spc. Christie Jones. “One moment the steam whistle puffed away gentle bursts of vapor to release pressure. In the next, there was clear drop formation  each of which fell from their own weight.”

Having escaped Montgomery’s notice, the leak worsened due to the internal pressure generated by the boiler apparatus held within the hat’s large stovepipe structure. This caused a torrent of scalding water to spray over the faces of two privates standing adjacent to Montgomery.

“Arrghhh!!!” screamed Spc. Michael Johnson as doctors treated him at the local burn unit. “Who even lets him wear that stupid thing?!”

The military police sergeant said an internal problem caused the top hat to send boiling water shooting on the privates who he expected to hold the position of attention.

“Well, I think the problem arose when the 25 tooth brass gear misaligned with those around it. This caused the hat’s internal dampening system to overfill with steam pressure,” Montgomery said while wearing a purple tented set of welding goggles.

“This sent a gust of steam through the incorrect piping and into a glass reservoir directly underneath the series of Edison bulbs I have attached around the top to indicate ambient air temperature and atmospheric pressure,” he continued after adjusting a few external lenses over his left eye and checking an ornate brass pocket watch.

Montgomery then opened an umbrella with a loud, “Cheerio!” and floated into the sky towards the dirigible he had moored to a light pole at the barracks parking lot.

Continue Reading

Navy

STDs get tested for sailors

Published

on

PHUKET, Thailand — Sexually transmitted diseases have been racing to nearby clinics to get checked for sailors in an effort to curb a spate of recent outbreaks, sources confirmed today.

The outbreaks come after a group of U.S. Navy ships made a stop at a port in Thailand and released sailors out into the public, a move the local population views as nothing short of biological warfare.

“With no regard for public safety, the commanders saw fit to unleash a swarm of sailors out into the open air, knowing full well that they can easily spread,” said Bobby Khachatryan, a public health practitioner. “Have they no idea what sort of social stigmas STDs encounter when they catch a case of the squids?”

Local sexually transmitted diseases are canvassing the area, looking for fellow maladies who might have unwittingly come in contact with a sailor.

“You can never be too safe or get tested too early,” said a batch of chlamydia. “You don’t want any sailors sneaking up on you. They are nasty, fat and lazy — just gross. It’s also super embarrassing when others find out that you’ve contracted sailors.”

Reported cases of sailors had dwindled prior to the arrival of the ships. Public officials attributed the decline to sailor awareness, sailor prevention, and sailor avoidance.

“It seems the time of plummeting sailor cases is at an end,” Khachatryan said. “Now, we are in reactive mode, and the STDs have to be treated with medication and ointments while we try to contain the sailor outbreak. The public healthcare system is currently overburdened as most STDs are making a dash to the pecker-checker to get swabbed for ‘swabbies.’”

Not everyone is panicking, however. Gonorrhea, a local sexually transmitted infection, welcomes the sailors with arms wide open.

“I caught a grand total of four sailors back in the fifties. They aren’t anything to worry about, really – some squirting and oozing. They are nothing a good dose of penicillin can’t tackle,” gonorrhea said proudly. “Bring those men and women on!”

Continue Reading

Army

The untold story behind the name of the US Army Special Operations Command

Published

on

By

The following is an excerpt from the personal journal of Lt. Gen. William Yarbrough (1912-2013), reprinted by Duffel Blog with permission from the Green Beret Association.

So here it was, June of 1998, and the Pentagon made the decision that they wanted all the Army Special Operations components under one unit umbrella. They had pretty much everything figured out except what to call the new parent command. So Eric [Shinseki], who was about to take over as chief of staff, called me up and asked me for ideas on a name.

Now, during Vietnam, Green Berets would be out doing things in the middle of nowhere, and they’d have absolutely no supplies to speak of.

Guys would be complaining that they had to do their business out there in the jungle but didn’t have anything to wipe with. The team commanders would be constantly telling people “use a sock.” Or when guys would need to take care of themselves, if you know what I mean, but there was no tissue paper handy? “Use a sock.”

Seriously, socks were easier to get than toilet paper. I still don’t know why. Guys within the Special Forces community started saying “use a sock” for literally everything. It got to the point where it almost became an institutional joke motto, sort of like “Wagner loves the cock” for the Marines.

So now here it is, I’d been retired for almost thirty years, when out of the blue I get a phone call from Eric, and he asks me to come up with an idea for a name for this new major command.

Without even thinking, I blurted out, “Use a sock.” It was just an offhand joke. I never meant for him to take it seriously. But he ran with it, and sure enough, a year and a half later, there he is, announcing the formation of USASOC (U.S. Army Special Operations Command).

I never had the heart to tell him. He’d probably be really embarrassed.

Continue Reading

Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

Published

on

ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

Continue Reading

Marine Corps

Opinion: Marines on steroids are all the rage right now. Seriously. Please send help

Published

on

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – If anyone is reading this, I am locked in the bathroom of the gym closest to headquarters. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but every Marine in this place suddenly just started raging the fuck out, and I’m afraid for my life.

I was pretty sure half these guys were on steroids to begin with, but it had never been a problem before. Today, though, whichever idiot runs this gym put a Taylor Swift song on the playlist, and I think that set them off. It wasn’t even a new one, just one of the standard breakup songs. As soon as the speaker blared, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in,” these guys just Went. Fucking. Nuts.

As the growls quickly crescendo’d into full on screams and fits of rage, one guy took a bite out of a barbell like it was a goddamn Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. I wouldn’t have minded him so much if he didn’t immediately turn and gaze longingly at my leg. A lifter and his spotter over in the corner began to froth blood at the mouth and started smashing their heads into the wall mirrors. They only stopped to lovingly pat each other on the ass.

One of the only female officers who comes here went ballistic with the jump rope, garroting a male PFC who made the fatal mistake of turning his back on her for half a second to piss in his buddy’s water bottle. I’m 99 percent sure he’s dead now. One can only assume I’ll join him before long.

I made it out of the weight room mostly intact and limped toward the bathroom. I had to make a detour through the cardio room due to a fire breaking out in the hallway, and sweet Jesus, what I saw there will haunt me for the rest of my life. One swole-ass NCO from supply was mindlessly doing somersaults on a slow-moving treadmill.

My own first sergeant was using two lieutenants’ heads as sandals while plodding along on the elliptical and spitting on any TV which dared to show a World Cup game. A contractor was swinging a full-size punching bag like a massive fucking hot dog of horror at anyone within reach, and I’m fairly certain he’s the one who TKO’d the teenage girl who works at the front counter. She looked like she’d been lying there for a few minutes judging by the drool.

I made it through to the bathroom, finally. First I tried the steam room, but the mist was already a bit too pink for my comfort. I couldn’t hide in my locker since it’d already been pried open and used to store a poor fucking comm nerd from the S-6. Under the sinks was out of the question – somehow all the electric cables had been ripped through the soft ceiling panels and were sparking near the pools of water.

In the end I made it into the only stall without a limp body in it, which I’m now sharing with the janitor. I’d feel better if he wasn’t side-eyeing me and gripping his mop handle menacingly.

Seriously, if anyone out there is reading this, please send help.

Continue Reading

News

‘I still like beer’ says soldier at 2nd DUI hearing

Published

on

By

CLINTON, Okla. — A National Guard soldier is not backing down in local court about his love for hops, sources confirmed today.

Oklahoma National Guardsman Spc. Demond Dowski appeared before a judge after his second DUI charge in the past 13 months. Dowski was appointed a public defender, saying he could not afford an attorney.

“I figured there was no sense of me getting my own lawyer since I am innocent,” Dowski said. “That is money I could be spending on beer. Know what I mean?”

Dowski denied being blackout drunk and driving while intoxicated, according to 1st Sgt. John Ames, who visited the soldier on the night of the incident.

“He was slurring his words really bad,” Ames said. “I am sure he doesn’t remember any of it because he asked me if I had a beer for him during my visit to the jail that evening.”

Sandra Tomko, Dowski’s public defender, says she told him to appear humble and remorseful for his behavior, but he forcefully defended his actions to the judge and refused to apologize.

“I fully expected him to beg for mercy from the court, but instead he denied everything and then confessed his love for beer,” Tomko remarked in amazement. “I’ve never had a client like this — let alone a soldier like this.”

Duffel Blog has learned that the Oklahoma National Guard has begun discharge paperwork for Dowski while the judge has set a penalty hearing for next month.

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Advertisement

Trending