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Fighting Suicide: Marines Try Posthumous Non-Judicial Punishment

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CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – “Marines are not allowed to die without permission!” R. Lee Ermey’s character famously tells a group of recruits in the 1987 film Full Metal Jacket.  Now, twenty-six years later, the Marine Corps is putting those words into practice.

In what is being described as the toughest new anti-suicide policy in the U.S. military, the Marine Corps has announced that Marines who commit suicide will now automatically receive formal non-judicial punishment and possible administrative separation from the Marine Corps.

Any Marine who commits suicide will be charged following August 1, the drop dead date for commands to implement the new zero-tolerance policy.

“If you kill yourself from now on, it won’t just be a warning or a negative counseling, but an Article 134 per the Uniform Code of Military Justice,” said Sergeant Mark Davis, a spokesMarine at Camp Lejeune.  “And if that doesn’t work, we may have to move to an automatic administrative separation, based on a refusal to train, come to work, or breathe.”

The Marines hope the program will slash suicides in half by the end of the year.

Under current policy, a Marine who attempts suicide can be charged with disrupting order and discrediting the Marine Corps; if on deployment, they are also automatically removed from the rolls of the fallen and any unit memorials. However, some commanders feel that policy does not go far enough.

“For years, we’ve told Marines about the automatic loss of Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance Benefits, as well as forfeiture of leave and liberty privileges,” said Sergeant Davis. “But we have yet to see a noticeable drop in suicides as a result.”

Some Marines have blamed the suicide problem on recent attempts by the Marine Corps to remove the stigma of the act, an approach which they say has repeatedly failed. In a complete reversal, the new program will also attempt to increase that stigma as much as possible.

“Why should I have to attend a suicide prevention brief, when I’m obviously alive?” asked Lance Corporal Tim White, an artilleryman with 1st Battalion 10th Marines. “If the Marine Corps really wants an effective program, it has to be aimed at Marines who have already killed themselves.”

Sergeant Davis said he understood the reaction.

“Up until now, Marines who didn’t kill themselves had to deal with all the fallout from Marines who did,” he explained. “Well the good news is that’s going to change: we’re talking loss of rank, clearance, pay and benefits, you name it. And they can forget about going on [Marine Security Guard] or Recruiting duty, because every B-Billet requires you to be alive when you check in.”

Despite the outcry by some groups over the new punishments, Marine officials say they hope the harsh punishment will actually help despondent Marines by showing them that suicide will create more problems for them in the long run.

“Actions have consequences, especially suicide,” said Maj. Pedro Martinez, a member of the Marine Corps’ Suicide Prevention team. “Marines need to understand that killing themselves won’t just affect them now, but can affect their career years down the road.  And no matter how you kill yourself, your chain of command will still be able to recall you for punishment, via seance or Ouija board.”

Maj. Martinez also insisted that the approach shows the Corps isn’t turning a blind eye to the problem.

“For too long we’ve underestimated the problem of suicide. Despite repeated surveys and focus groups, we have yet to find any Marines who will publicly admit that they’ve committed suicide. And it became easy to say ‘this is an Army problem or a Navy problem’ until we woke up to find it hanging right in front of us.”

“This program is our last, best shot,” he added.

Marine Corps

Marine Corps to reduce infantryman’s load by recruiting fewer wussies

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In an attempt to reduce the weight carried by already overburdened infantryman, the Marine Corps announced today that it would seek to reduce troops’ combat loads by recruiting fewer wussies.

“Studies by the Marine Corps Warfighting Lab and Center for Naval Analyses have shown that we can greatly decrease injury rates by reducing the number of wimps, wusses, and Nancy-pantses in our infantry units,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller.

“Further, we believe a battalion’s lethality will increase ten to fifteen percent simply by removing all broke dick losers from its ranks.”

Previous studies from the World War II and Vietnam War eras showed that the maximum amount of weight under which the average infantryman could effectively operate in combat was 45 to 50 pounds. However, Neller believes this load could be increased to 80 or even 90 pounds for any Marine that is not a “candy-ass bitch.”

“After months of lab experiments and field testing, we’ve concluded that a Marine could travel farther and faster under load if he or she is not a pathetic, spineless jellyfish,” said CNA physiologist Dr. Zeb Krantz. “Much of the pain and fatigue often associated with rucking and patrolling can be overcome by a steady practice of sucking it the fuck up.”

Operational testing by Marine units in Twentynine Palms, California, also showed that most Marine could increase their carrying capacity by regularly lifting heavy weights and not being a flaccid little creampuff. The Warfighting Lab has even developed a qualitative assessment called the Performance and Nerve System (PANSys) for determining whether a prospective recruit is an impotent softy.

“We’re still in the beginning stages of implementation,” said Neller. “But I’m confident we’ll be able to get rid of all chickenshit fat bodies by the end of the year.”

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Marines with no combat experience haze Marines with equal amount of combat experience

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – A hazing scandal has rocked the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center after multiple reports of inappropriate treatment towards junior Marines, sources confirmed today.

The alleged perpetrators, a group of lance corporals with 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines, maintain their innocence, citing their solemn duty as non-commissioned officers to train their Marines.

The group recently returned from a six month deployment to the “central command area of responsibility,” during which they were exposed to absolutely no danger or anything closely resembling combat.

“I just spent six months standing post in Kuwait, do you think I would have been capable of guarding a base in a completely safe and sovereign nation if I hadn’t had a broom stick shoved up my ass as a private?” said Lance Cpl. James Stockton.

“Yeah, how do you think I would have had the mental fortitude to lift twice a day and consume 7,000 calories per meal if I hadn’t been punched in the face by my seniors?” added Lance Cpl. Daniel Gonzalez.

The Marines’ platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nathan White, gave a confusing and contradictory statement.

“Back in my day, this would have been considering training, but you know, you can’t do that shit, but you know, sometimes things happen when they shouldn’t happen, and sometimes that’s the way it is,” he said.

The key witness, 2nd Lt. Joshua Emerson, was standing his first duty when he stumbled across the scene.

“I heard someone yell, ‘You boot fucks are going to learn what it’s like to eat three delicious meals a day and attend Air Force sponsored activities,’” Emerson said. “Then they started shoving cake in their mouths, making them identify the flavor. One Marine said chocolate, but the correct answer was dulce de leche.”

The groups’ commanding officer, Lt. Col. John Q. Kraft, was particularly perplexed by the hazing incident, having spent over 49 hours personally briefing the Marines on the dangers of hazing.

“We did seven consecutive safety stand-downs,” Kraft said. “This is definitely not my fault and should not impact my career.”

Kraft took swift action in response to the incident. He placed one officer and one staff non-commissioned officer on every deck of the barracks for 24-hour shifts. When asked if the new policy may have contribute low unit morale, Kraft scoffed.

“Nonsense, I stood duty every day for three years when I was a lieutenant, these boots need to be tougher. It’s not hazing, its good training,” he said.

The commanding general has already convicted the alleged hazers to two life sentences, despite lacking the authority to do so.

“Hazers don’t deserve due process,” the general was heard yelling within earshot of the base’s frustrated legal team.

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Navy announces newest occupational specialty: ‘meat gazer’

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WASHINGTON  — The Navy announced today the creation of a new career track to help with its large urinalysis test backlog: meat gazer.

The new Navy occupational specialty will require sailors to keep an eye on the wieners of service members as they urinate into collection cups during drug tests.

“Meat gazing was historically a low-level collateral duty for go getters who volunteered to impress commanders, weirdos who enjoy checking out other dudes’ packages, or simple run-of-the-mill perverts. Now, it’s a full-time job,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer.

The meat gazer rating is the result of a petition that went viral and gained the attention of Navy leaders.

The Marines started the petition.org effort as a joke, but it quickly garnered service-wide exposure. Roughly 245,000 sailors signed the petition within days, which equates to nearly three-quarters of the Navy begging and yearning to stare at rods for a living.

“In addition to the petition, we also noted that a large number of sailors already excelled in staring at the genitalia of other male sailors in the restroom,” said Capt. Richard D. Head, who is spearheading the new initiative. “It really made sense to build a satisfying career track for these hog worshipers.”

While sailors from across the Navy have been submitting rate-change request packets in record numbers, most of the new meat gazers are expected to come from the ranks of the Navy’s master at arms rating, which already has a high number of habitual meat gazers.

Advancement exams for the new specialty will cover topics such as advising sailors on how to handle their beef during testing, keeping urine containers uncontaminated, and requiring sailors to stand far enough away from urinals to allow meat gazers the perfect view to see urine leave the penis.

“Sometimes we are staring more intently and concentrating harder than the person trying to push urine through their meat sticks,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Jack M. Hoff. “But the whole experience is satisfying to everyone involved. I’m glad the Navy has heard our voices and is allowing meat gazers to exist. I’m beyond excited.”

Sailors hoping to obtain a slot as a meat gazer have been spending their free time hanging out in as many locker rooms as possible, practicing their trade, and honing their skills, according to sources.

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First Sergeant won’t let troops leave Syria until they fill out their leave chits

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Days after President Donald Trump announced he would be pulling all U.S. troops out of Syria, a Marine first sergeant on the ground has refused to let any of them leave until “every swingin’ dick” has filled out their leave chits, sources confirmed today.

“Hold on there, motivators. No one’s going anywhere until you all have a daggum hour-by-hour safety plan in place,” said 1st Sgt. Ray Thornton. “And there ain’t no way in hell the CO will approve these chits until squad leaders have inspected every friggin’ POV.”

Thornton stressed to the Marines that anyone planning to travel farther from Syria than the allowed 200-mile leave boundaries would need to have a special plan in place and would need to call CENTCOM every 24 hours to check in.

“I signed the wrong block on my leave chit, and now I’m stuck in Raqqah by myself until after New Years,” said Cpl. Ryan Payne. “This sucks!”

Within hours of Trump’s announcement on Wednesday, Thornton had the entire formation covered and aligned by the border to prepare to leave, but they ended up being stuck there for days waiting for the armory sight count to be up.

“Count it again!” shouted Thornton, enemy artillery rounds falling around the Marines. “And who the hell submitted this roster as an Excel spreadsheet? I asked for a PDF!”

At press time, all troops had been recalled to Syria for an emergency police call to find a missing canteen.

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Troops ask to live with Mattis after divorce is finalized

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WASHINGTON — Most troops caught in the middle of a domestic dispute that resulted in their father Jim Mattis filing for divorce say they hope they can live with him after this is all over, sources confirmed today.

Mattis filed for divorce from President Donald Trump last week, citing “irreconcilable differences” that stemmed from the cancellation of vacation plans in Syria, the president’s decision to send some of the kids to border school in October, and his well-known Diet Coke drinking problem.

“I love daddy Mattis more than anything in the entire world,” said Army Spc. Nick Kester. “He reads a book to me every night, while Trump isn’t even there at bedtime.”

Although some argue Trump has been “great with the kids” and truly cares about their welfare, a number of sources have come forward to allege the president has abused the troops he supposedly loves on a number of occasions.

Sources say Trump has not once visited them while they were away at The University of Iraq and Afghanistan. Some even believe he has been cheating on their dad with National Security Advisor John Bolton, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, or Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Troops were also angered by his erratic behavior and tendency to teach them far different life lessons than their favored parent.

“Mattis makes us do pushups and wants our family to be more lethal,” said Marine Lt. Philip Allison. “Meanwhile, when I asked Trump whether he’d like to throw the nuclear football around, he said, ‘oh sure, kid, just give me a few minutes,’ and then never came out.”

“Last time I talked with him all he kept telling me was how I was an idiot for paying anything over a 4% tax rate,” Allison added.

The couple heads to family court on Jan. 1, 2019, where a judge is expected to divide their $2.7 trillion in assets and set up a custody arrangement many believe will favor Mattis, who plans to visit with the kids often, teach them about the bullets and the bees, and put them through college on the GI Bill.

“I absolutely plan to bring up his use of community property to buy this stupid border wall that he found on Amazon,” Mattis said.

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Mattis looking forward to ‘peaceful retirement’ spent firing Minigun out door of Huey

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THE PENTAGON — After news broke that he would be resigning from his post in February 2019, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told reporters he was looking forward to spending a “peaceful retirement” firing a GAU-17 Minigun out the door of a UH-1 Huey helicopter.

“Yup, I can’t wait to kick back with a relaxing 3 or 4 thousand rounds per minute every morning before PT,” said Mattis. “Much better than this boring bullshit here in D.C.”

Mattis served a storied career as a Marine general before moving into his role as Secretary of Defense, and sources within the Pentagon said that he still managed to fire a few hundred rounds every day at lunchtime “just to let off some steam.”

“Jim would regularly hump an 81mm mortar tube around the halls of the Pentagon because he said the weight helped keep his back aligned,” said Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford.

“And he loved challenging all those little Air Force nerds to ground-fighting matches in the courtyard during his coffee break. They were always scared shitless.”

While he was admittedly emotional that he’d be leaving the military world behind after a nearly 50-year career, Mattis says he has plans to start a second career in the agricultural industry.

“Now that I’m retiring, I’ll finally have time to get out to the countryside and tend to my flock of A-10 Warthogs,” said Mattis. “Such serene and beautiful creatures.”

Danger Close contributed reporting.

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Retired Marine General John Kelly relieves White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty

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WASHINGTON — Retired Marine Gen. John F. Kelly was relieved to relieve White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty, sources confirmed today.

Kelly will depart by the end of the year.

Kelly, who in the past honorably served as a Marine and was also the Department of Homeland Security Secretary for a couple of weeks or whatever before moving to the White House, informed the chief of his relief to the relief of the chief, while standing in front of a mirror in the West Wing.

Trump chose some guy named Mick Mulvaney, who is the head of the Office of Budget and Management, to replace Kelly. Mulvaney is reportedly a pay-to-play Republican — a much better fit for Trump than the somewhat morally-upstanding Kelly — who once said, “If you are a lobbyist who never gave us money, I did not talk to you. If you are a lobbyist who gave us money, I might talk to you.”

Reports of Kelly being forced to leave his suit jacket behind — as happened to previous Trump aide John McEntee — were dismissed.

“He dropped it like a hot potato,” said A.Z. Kizzer, a White House staffer who has served in 17 administrations as a card-carrying member of the Deep State. Kizzer added that not only did Kelly throw down his jacket, he also set fire to it with a military-grade flamethrower while yelling, “Moto T-shirts from now on! Veteran-owned, American-proud!”

Kelly joins a host of Trump administration departures who reportedly gave the one-finger salute to the president’s awesome hair while asserting that “happiness is the White House in your rear view mirror,” to paraphrase a legendary country song. It’s been reported that Kelly no longer talks to the president, and that he was perturbed by having to be interviewed by special counsel Robert Mueller’s team regarding unspecified obstructions of justice by the Administration.

Army Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster, the national security advisor who departed his position last April, was supportive.

“I was replaced by the mustache of John Bolton, so I see no problem with John being replaced by whatever jetsam floats down Pennsylvania Ave.,” said McMaster. “These days, anyone can get a job at the White House, what with all the vacancies because of, you know, subpoenas and jail terms.”

Kelly reportedly wrote an email regarding his departure to fellow Marine and Defense Secretary James Mattis.

“I’ve been sleeping with my DD-214 printed woobie for months,” he wrote. “I’m tired. But old woobies never die, they just fade away. And I’m just like that faded woobie, fading away from the shame I suffered working so long for President Prick and his cadre of law-breaking priquettes.”

Later, Kelly continued denying that he ever called Trump an idiot. Smiling directly at reporters and cameramen, he snapped two fingers and added, “But you never asked if I called him a a whack-doodle, a fourth-grade lunch-stealer, a pathological liar, or a scumbag serial adulterer. Sucks to be a bunch of 27-year old know-nothing journalists.”

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Meet the woman who got a kidney transplant from an infantryman and woke up craving Monster and Skoal

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CARMEL, Ind. – Third grade teacher Kasie Spyker woke up after a long-awaited kidney transplant dying for a cold Monster and fresh can of Skoal after receiving an organ from an infantryman, sources at Methodist Hospital confirmed today.

Spyker, who had been suffering from lupus and on a strict diet of fresh foods her entire life, had never tried any of Monster’s products before the life-saving surgery.

“I’d heard from other patients in the transplant ward that they felt different after the transplant.” Said Spyker. “For David, he got a lung transplant from a marathoner and suddenly wanted to go running. I got a kidney from an infantryman, and suddenly wanted to pack a fat lip.”

Spyker’s friends and family had raised over $20,000 to help pay for the transplant surgery and recovery. They were thrilled to learn that she’d be getting a kidney from a young infantryman at the peak of physical fitness after he died suddenly in a freak motorcycle airbrushing accident. They now hope to raise money for the Dodge Charger payments the soldier left behind.

“I feel like a new woman,” said Spyker, drawing out a fresh new tattoo to commemorate the transplant. “I’m so thankful for this new lease on life. I can’t wait until I’m out of this hospital gown and can go buy some new affliction t-shirts and axe body spray.”

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