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Navy

Petty Argument Between Petty Officers Leads to Unrest, Aircraft Carrier Being Disabled

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sailors culinary specialists

UNITED ARAB EMIRATES — An argument between two enlisted crew from the aircraft carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower has sparked fierce division and actual violence among sailors, forcing the ship into emergency port call for repairs.

Sources agree that the argument began at approximately 3 bells (0300) Arabian Standard Time on Friday morning, when Culinary Specialists Third Class James Horner and David Pieman reported for duty and began mess preparation. Although details are scarce, witnesses agree that Horner declared tomatoes were vegetables, while Pieman held that they were fruit.

“The seeds are on the inside!” Pieman was heard shouting, as the conflict began to escalate.

“Strawberries are fruit, and their seeds are on the outside!” responded Horner.

“Bullshit! The seeds are still inside the fruit!”

“What about bananas? Where are the seeds in a banana, smart ass?”

Inside the fruit!”

The debate raged on throughout the serving of first mess, embroiling other culinary staff as well as sailors from other departments who attended breakfast on the mess deck. By midday, the altercation had turned physical, when three sailors were admitted to the medical bay with cuts and bruises.

“I was just minding my own business at the Air Traffic Control Tower, when one of my shipmates sits down next to me and starts telling me about these cooks arguing at breakfast, and how tomatoes are obviously fruit,” reported AC2 Simon Hadley from his hospital bed. “I thought to myself, ‘Oh, hell no,’ and proceeded to school this dumb motherfucker on the vegetable-ness of the tomato.”

Hadley, whose nose was broken and right eye swollen shut during the ensuing physical altercation, remains adamant in his position.

“I’m from New Jersey. Our state vegetable is the tomato, damn it.”

Capt. Marcus Hitchcock, commanding officer of the Eisenhower, disagrees.

“It’s just silly, the way these grown men and women are behaving,” he said in a telephone interview. “The Navy is the most advanced, most capable, most powerful fleet the world has ever known, and I’ll be damned if a single sailor in my command is going to tell me that a tomato is anything but a fruit!” he exclaimed, pounding his Naval Academy ring on the table.

Calm was briefly restored when Hitchcock ordered Captain’s Masts for five sailors for their roles in escalating the conflict. However, word spread quickly once it was realized that all five believed tomatoes were vegetables, and rioting began in the early evening.

Damage Controllmen dispatched to fight fires and repair vital ship systems found some passages blocked by combatants from both sides of the conflict, slowing their progress and ultimately forcing the ship into Jebel Ali, U.A.E. for emergency repairs to one of its nuclear reactors.

Though unexpected, this is not the first time a petty argument has created chaos amidst the ranks of the armed forces. In July 2012, while deployed to Camp Beuhring, Kuwait, the 118th Infantry Regiment of the South Carolina Army National Guard was nearly disbanded over an argument between a Private First Class and a Specialist over who was more attractive: Jessica Biel, or Jessica Alba. As a result, 13 soldiers were reduced in rank, 3 were wounded, and a government dining facility was destroyed.

While petty, meaningless arguments are commonplace in the military, where bored servicemembers must create their own entertainment, it is rare that they “poison every level of the command structure,” says Ray Mabus, Secretary of the Navy. Navy officials have taken no punitive actions yet, though the commanding officer of the aircraft carrier may face suspension pending an investigation once the ship returns to U.S. shores.

Even earlier, in 2007, a company of Marines in Iraq was struck with blanket non-judicial punishments when Xbox-versus-Playstation controversy led to infighting which tied up radio communication during a routine convoy operation. It was ultimately quashed by the company’s First Sergeant, who described himself as “a Sega Genesis man.”

With the ship docked for repairs, it could be weeks before order is restored to the Eisenhower; however, Captain Hitchcock remains hopeful.

“We’re all adults here, and I believe we are all capable of putting this childishness behind us. Eventually, we’ll be able to forget all about this petty disagreement.”

“Say,” he added before leaving, “you don’t happen to know if dogs can look up, do you?”

Dirty once ate frozen yogurt while pulling security around an ice cream truck deep in a Thai jungle. His hobbies include rock painting, ditch digging, radio checks, and SSD1.

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting

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ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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Army

Navy pranks Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat just before Army-Navy game

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PHILADELPHIA — Midshipmen carried on a long tradition of friendly hijinks just before their collegiate rivalry game by pranking Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat to just “get in their heads” before the big game today.

“We thought, what if these guys who aren’t old enough to drink figure out they’ve dedicated their futures to sprawling forever wars?” said Midshipman Michael Nelson, the senior leading the prank. “Who could mimic the tactics of war for screaming football fans? Once they hold the knowledge that blood and sacrifice will never accomplish the political ends we call victory, they’ll never be able to focus on the game. Navy Wins! Dude, we pwned them good.”

“Plus, after that thing with the Air Force Falcon, we didn’t want to touch animals.” added Nelson.

Nelson got the idea for the hilarious prank while making an Army-Navy rivalry video in his room in Bancroft Hall.

“We ran out of gay jokes, and I was thinking about getting stationed in Oahu with my hot first wife while West Point’s players were going to be leading pointless presence patrols on a route called futility. That’s when I realized that it was the perfect prank!” he said.

Darnell Woolfolk, West Point’s starting running back, fell victim to the hijinks late Friday night when his roommate’s sort of hot cousin called. Little did he know she was working for Team Navy and would subtly let him know that win or lose, he could look forward to multiple rotations in the same wars his father fought.

“I was really pumped up for the game.” Said Woolfolk. “I was listening to Future and thinking about crushing Navy. Then I slowly started thinking about the sacrifices I was making for an American populace that grows further disconnected and disinterested in what we say we’re fighting for. I immediately snuck into Washington Hall to eat spaghetti on ice cream from our special athlete refrigerators.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Woolfolk added, staring into an existential void of multiple deployments, football-induced brain injuries, and strawberry ice cream. “None of it matters anymore.”

As a battered copy of the ‘The Quaker Guide to Gaining Conscientious Objector Status” circulated around the student section of Lincoln Financial Field, West Point’s Corps of Cadets fought back in the healthy spirit of inter-service rivalry by reminding the Brigade of Midshipmen that soon, they’d be wearing an Army uniform and calling themselves “sand sailors” no matter how many aircraft carriers Congress to gave them.

The practical joke strategy worked so well that Navy plans to get in conference rival Tulane’s head by reminding them about the crippling interest rate on student loan debt and the chances of finding job after graduation.

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Navy

Zip-tied Somali pirates bet on how many SEAL memoirs they’ll be in

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MOGADISHU, Somalia — Four zip-tied Somali nationals placed bets on how many Navy SEAL memoirs they would be featured in, according to three SEAL memoirs already published since yesterday’s stand-off.

“Three shots in the dark, and the sacred rite of warfare had ended,” read one description of the mission in 2nd Class Petty Officer Jim MacDonald’s memoir “After Action: Hindsight through NVGs.” “It was a scene that has played out countless times in history: a little boat rocking in the moonlight that was like the gaze of Valhalla, a band of pirates arguing heatedly about how many airport bookstores would carry ghostwritten accounts of their capture.”

Another account of the event appeared in 2nd Class Petty Officer Joe Silvo’s “No Fear: Lessons on Hard Core Leadership for Market Uncertainty.”

“Hard core leaders eat accountability for breakfast,” read the opening paragraph of Chapter One: Hard Core Competencies. “But it can also make even the hardest core leaders feel vulnerable. For instance, when a band of pirates ridiculed me to tears as shameless self-promoter who would disgrace the Navy by cashing in on the prestige of the SEAL name to sell schlock to corporate executives, I almost didn’t ask them for a quote for this book.”

The betting took place after SEAL snipers killed three armed pirates who had taken an American oil tanker crew hostage in a small boat in the Gulf of Aden. Four Somalis were left to contemplate their fates as the SEALs moved in.

“As the bow of our boat parted the mist, we heard groans of agony rising from the pirate’s dinghy,” recalled Chief Petty Officer Ruben Martinez in “Crunch Time: Navy SEAL Secrets to Rock-Hard Abs.”

“Prepared for an ugly scene, we were surprised to find the pirates alert and unharmed, resigned to the fact that they would be reduced to two-dimensional caricatures in the many, many books that would be written about this non-event.”

The captives were driven to piracy by social and environmental forces that were out of their control, which should be considered when depicting them in film or literature, according to screenwriter Katherine Heller who designed the memoir-writing phase of SEAL Qualification Training.

“Picture a community devastated by war, disease, starvation, and neglect, and drop it right at the edge of the sea,” she told a class Wednesday, underlining “Raise The Stakes” on a chalkboard. “It’s the brutal friction between these two realities — the barbarity of man, the endlessness mystery of the raging ocean — that wrought these charact … I mean, survivors, and drove them to confrontation with the most hardened killers in the US military.”

“This is ‘Lone Survivor‘-level sales for anyone who does it right,” she added.

As Duffel Blog went to press, the four as-yet unnamed men were en route to a holding facility in Norfolk, Virginia, where they will face a grueling schedule of interviews by the hundreds of SEALs currently writing memoirs.

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Navy

Level 63 Paladin granted religious exemption to grow neckbeard

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FORT MEADE, Md. – A sailor successfully petitioned for unrestrained growth of his facial hair on the grounds of religious expression, sources aboard Cryptologic Warfare Group Six revealed today.

The Navy’s controversial determination allows the pious sailor to keep with his World of Warcraft (WoW) faith as a devoted servant of the Holy Light and follows closely on the heels of a recent decision by the Air Force granting a Muslim airman the right to wear a beard.

“Lo, a glorious day for Azeroth, indeed, that I might champion the cause of my brothers,” declared local holy warrior, Quest4Cameltō, squeezing one of the many pustular follicles erupting from the pubescent tangle of greasy, unkempt hair below his chins.

Quest4Cameltō, a paladin from the holdfast of Stromgarde, goes by the title of Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) Seaman Kevin Dietrich in the material world and practices the foreign tongue of ancient Mesopotamia, providing translations and intelligence reports for further analysis.

“Alas, please refrain from addressing me as such,” the godly knight requested. “Verily, I am but a lowly Level 3 peon amongst the uniformed ranks of the Navy, but here,” he said, with a sweeping gesture towards his two, 32-inch 4K UHD monitors, “Here, I am a mighty Level 63 guardian of justice, smiting the wicked and dealing swift retribution to the minions of the Burning Legion.”

WoW is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game worshiped by many sailors and members of the intelligence community. Practicers assume alternate identities as mighty heroes and intrepidly embark on mystical quests with friends and strangers in the pursuit of loot and experience points.

“This is my life,” said Dietrich, proudly sporting the facial hair customary to males of his order.

Grooming standards have prohibited sailors from growing beards since 1984, although medical exemptions have been granted on a case-by-case basis for sailors afflicted with pseudofolliculitis barbae — colloquially known as “razor bumps.” The relentless and unforgiving skin condition predominantly affects Black Americans and service members who deliberately shave against the grain in order to obtain a no-shave chit.

Dietrich had long fought to rectify the injustices the Navy levied against his religious beliefs, according to colleagues, and ultimately resorted to filing a grievance under the Equal Opportunity Program.

“Who am I to stand between a man-child and his god?” asked Gerald Housemann, inspector general for U.S. Fleet Cyber Command. “These determinations must be divined by powers greater than mine own.”

The resplendent paladin’s case is the latest in a flurry of efforts by the Navy to relax grooming standards, including permission for male and female sailors to wear their hair in man-buns and ponytails.

As the quest for unchecked religious equality presses on, Dietrich was spotted at medical seeking exemption from the Body Composition Assessment.

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Air Force

Air Force can’t figure out why sailor would spend $1,280 on tattoo

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WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today.

“One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some body art?” scoffed Air Force. “What a waste! Think of all the golf balls you could buy.”

“At least two, maybe three,” the fiscally-sensible service surmised. “Certainly no more than three.”

The Air Force’s steadfast reputation among the military for doing more with less is rooted in its proud history of battling fraud, waste and abuse.

The sailor in question, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Michael Parker, recently had the finishing touches added to an intricate sprawl of nautically-themed tattoos covering the entirety of his right arm.

“A poor mistake like that [tattoo] isn’t some simple mulligan,” said Air Force. “Just think, if you saved $1,280 every year for 20 years, you’d be able to buy yourself a decent, middle-of-the-road nine-iron and be ready for retirement.”

Parker, 28, has been gradually adding tattoos to his arm over the past three years so as to not “break the bank.”

The Air Force expressed worry at the American public’s response to what it views as fiscal waste.

“You know, I hate to be ‘that branch,’” the responsible steward of taxpayer monies said, “but these sorts of things really make me question the professionalism of our sister services.”

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Army

Troops deploy to Alamo for dramatic last stand against migrant caravan

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SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan.

“There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre historic site 300 miles from the border.

The administration conceded that the centuries-old mission walls wouldn’t provide the ideal defense against the procession of bad hombres, but that it would “just have to do” until the great wall is erected.

“I thought it would be bigger,” the president allegedly whispered to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Joseph Dunford, upon visiting the fort.

“It’s not so bad.” said Pvt. Jeffrey Crockett of the Tennessee National Guard. “We’ve got a nice view of downtown San Antonio and there’s even a Cheesecake Factory down the road!”

Two blocks away, the U.S. Navy has been ordered to conduct riverine patrols of the Historic San Antonio River Walk. The service has been tasked with maintaining control of the narrow, Disney Land-esque waterway against drug smugglers and drunk tourists alike.

“War is hell,” shouted an unidentified swift boat sailor, face painted like child at a carnival, cotton candy in one hand, an M-16 in the other, CCR’s “Fortunate Son” blaring from his iPhone speakers.

Trump has faced fierce criticism over his use of force and a supposedly unclear mission.

“This stunt is simply un-American, and I can’t stand for it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House minority leader, who has gone down to the border town of McAllen, Texas to meet the caravan with open arms and several thousand voter registration forms for the 2020 election.

“It is truly sickening what some people will do for their political agendas.”

At press time, Trump was feverishly planning his next move to secure our borders: setting up a Coast Guard flotilla to defend Lake Erie from the Canadians in the event they “try to pull a fast one like they did in 1812.”

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National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes

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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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Navy

Navy SEALs no longer allowed to wear blackface

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Special operators will no longer be allowed to wear black face paint after biting criticism from activist groups, sources confirmed today.

The move is aimed to stop the controversial practice of channeling one’s inner black dude before infiltrating a compound.

“We are not 100 percent woke, but this is a big step,” said Lt. Gen. Scott Howell, the current nominee to head Joint Special Operations Command. “We must stop perpetuating the stereotype that all black people are good at tactical operations.”

Recent studies show “blending in with the dark of night” to be a racist artifact of the past. SEALs will now be required to use inclusive rainbow patterns and biodegradable glitter.

“I never felt like I was being racist,” said Petty Officer 1st Class James Largo, “but I understand how cultural biases can find concealment in the covert corners of your mind.”

The changes, which go into effect next month, have support of allies and critics alike. Even hostile countries like Syria and Somalia are excited for the progressive step forward.

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