CINCINNATI, OH – A newly posted Facebook profile picture has friends, family, and loose acquaintances of Corporal Jake Spencer in awe of the recently deployed soldier’s rapid transformation into a steely-eyed warrior.
“How neat, honey! Just like the video games you never stopped playing in high school,” gushed one commenter on the post.
The entirely candid shot – which features Spencer, 22, carrying an M4 rifle that he undoubtedly employs in combat on a regular basis – hit newsfeeds just days after the valorous soldier’s arrival in country. It replaces a picture of Spencer at pre-deployment combat training, which sources confirm was also pretty sweet.
“Huh. I thought that kid was assigned to a logistics unit, but I must be confused,” said Specialist Tom Rodriguez, who went through boot camp with Spencer. “The guy in this picture obviously kills people for a living.”
“Wow, look at Spencer in Afghanistan!” said Mitch McNaylor, a wealthy investment banker who used to bully Spencer in high school. “He clearly knows something about life decisions that I don’t. I instantly regret ever being mean to him and would totally understand if he forgot to invite me to his welcome home party.”
Indeed, the picture has everybody back in Spencer’s native Cincinnati lauding their hometown hero.
“Can we all just agree to name a highway after this dude right now?” said Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory in a public address. “After all, it’s only because of badasses like him that we’re totally winning this thing.”
Perhaps most impressed of all is Lucy Wright, the cute and quirky barista that Spencer basically stalked for a full year prior to his deployment.
“Now that’s what I call a man,” Wright said, growing flush in the face and neck. “I’m going to click the ‘Like’ button to communicate in no uncertain terms that I’m saving myself for his return.”
At press time, the Army itself had recognized what a tremendously high-speed asset it had on its hands with Spencer and was in the process of transferring the young killer to an elite Special Forces team.
“Whoa, this dude looks like the real deal,” said the Command Sgt. Maj. from Spencer’s new unit, who had just left the 7th Special Forces Group. “Gosh, I sure hope he likes us.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.