SAN DIEGO — Non-deployable sailors can breathe a heavy sigh of relief as Navy officials plan to implement its new “Deploy or Get Promoted” policy, sources confirmed today.

The new policy, deemed ingenious by CNN military analysts, will ensure the Navy floods its upper ranks with sailors who are injured, lazy, PT-failing, work-averse as a threat to motivate them to become deployable. Senior Navy leaders are optimistic.

“We will immediately begin processing promotions for sailors who have been non-deployable for 24 months or more,” said Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson. “Even those sailors who have deliberately missed medical and immunization appointments to avoid deployment will be able to stay behind and ‘run shit.’ I mean, we issued tons of medical waivers when these people enlisted. It’s time we cash in that check and grow them into the future we need.”

The new policy seeks to promote lazy, wounded broke-dicks, as well as worthless skaters, and it has garnered support in the senior enlisted ranks.

“Everyone who doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to contribute, and doesn’t believe in our mission should be given higher levels of responsibly. It’s the only way they can grow into the leaders we need them to be,” said Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith.

“I always like to say, ‘The early bird gets the shitter-scrubbing duty because they are motivated,’” said Senior Chief Petty Officer John Gillespie. “But the sailors who arrive late from phony medical appointments? They have management written all over them! I’m serious. Don’t test me. We’ll do it. Get in line and make yourself deployable, or else!” he said while pointing to his rank insignia with a smirk.

Roughly 11 percent of members in the U.S. military — approximately 286,000 — meet this criteria for immediate promotion into roles that are expected to swell with incompetence.

After receiving their forced promotion, the sailors will be expected to attend leadership training completely against their will, learn how to delegate all of their assigned tasks, and learn the valuable art of shirking responsibility and hiding behind sham ignorance in order to avoid putting forth any effort at all.

However, not all sailors are getting on-board with this new policy.

“This can never work,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Mike Jones while hiding behind some cabinets to avoid being selected for a cleaning party. “They are already trying to deluge leadership ranks with ineffective, worthless leaders who show ‘potential.’ It’s a program called Annapolis. Ever heard of it?”

There is at least one exception to the policy: if you are non-deployable due to being dead, then you can rest in peace knowing that you will not be posthumously promoted against your will.

Officials also confirmed that their next policy initiative will focus on raising low morale, something the Navy has been mysteriously plagued with for nearly fifty years.

MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, N.D. — Controversy erupted when a local commander relieved a B-52 crew for creating what could be either penis pictures or crew self portraits, sources confirmed today.

“We found drawings on a B-52 navigation computer of five phallic-shaped objects,” base spokesman Maj. “Needle” Dick Johnson said. “The Air Force policy is clear — cockpits are no places for dick depictions.”

The sky penis, a phallic shaped symbol made using contrails, took off in popularity after a pilot at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island used his aircraft to create the image. The atmospheric art has since been recreated multiple times, although the Air Force has yet to create its own version.

“I’ll admit that we envied the attention that Navy and Marine Corps aviators got for flying in formations that resembled penises,” commander of the accused B-52 crew,” Capt. Rodney “Ramrod” Schwantz, said. “I was absolutely deflated about not being able to maneuver my aircraft in the same way. Those air dorks are big and visible, and we all know that in sky writing, size matters.”

“But we’re getting shafted for no reason,” Schwantz added. “Our missions are long and hard, so we need ways to entertain ourselves. After our navigator took a life drawing class at the learning center, he sketched some pictures on our navigation computer showing us as a crew. It’s art, not a dick pic.”

The base command pushed back at the idea the drawings constituted art.

“Art my ass,” said Maj. Johnson. “Those drawings are obviously penises. They’re multiple shapes and sizes, bulbous on top with round objects underneath resembling testicles.”

The flight crew maintained that the images were merely self-portraits, and the command had misconstrued the drawings.

“The drawings show us preparing for a mission,” Capt. Schawntz said. “We’re wearing our flight helmets, and those ‘round objects’ are our kit bags of equipment. Is it our fault that we all stand tall and straight? Except our weapons officer, Lt. Chubbie, who’s kind of short and wide. We mistook him for a 55-gallon drum once. His call sign isn’t ‘Tuna Can’ for nothing.”

Johnson admitted that the crew may have a point.

“It’s possible that the Air Force is applying its penis picture policy in an indiscriminate, one could say, ‘drunken, manner,'” Johnson said. “We should probably apply it with more skill and dedication and probably with a follow up call the next day, or at least a text.

Regardless, navigator 1st Lt. Ron Chubbie intends to enter the crew portraits/penile depictions in a local amateur aviation art contest.

“The contest judges include Navy and Marine Corps aviators,” Chubbie said. “They’ll definitely appreciate my style.”

CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today.

The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm.

Millions of service members reported for duty with a distinctive five o’clock shadow, while fresh faced personnel were asked which brand of razor they used.

Pentagon spokesman Charles Summers responded to the change after reports of unshaven service members worldwide began to surface and reporters questioned if the move had signaled a boycott of Gillette.

“Toxic masculinity is a subject we take seriously,” said Summers while scratching his stubbled chin. “Granted, we are an organization with the sole purpose of killing people, but Gillette says we can do better. So, I guess we should stop shooting bad guys or something.”

Gillette representatives rushed to the Pentagon for an emergency meeting with senior leaders on how to stem the tide of toxic masculinity. After a detailed review of the commercial, Gillette suggested the following changes:

• All forms of combatives, mixed martial arts and cardio kickboxing are forbidden by Defense Department personnel.
• Service members can no longer watch outdated 1950s cartoons, sitcoms or rap music videos.
• Barbecues are to be removed from all military facilities.
• Service members will no longer be able to approach anybody in a public setting and ask them on a date. They are required to meet their significant others on dating sites or craigslist.
• Mandatory training on how to avoid being catfished by a foreign agent or federal inmate.

After the meeting, the Pentagon issued a press release thanking Gillette for taking the time to educate its leaders on an important social issue.

At press time, the Dollar Shave Club was granted exclusive rights to supply AAFES PX’s worldwide.

Washington — In a stern rebuke to 60 veterans’ lawsuits, all eight fuctioning Supreme Court justices dismissed “burn pit” appeals by torching them in a massive blaze on the front steps of the court’s building Monday.

The military used burn pits, located in Afghanistan and Iraq, to destroy waste, including batteries, tires and millions of collection agency letters, as well as evidence of extra-marital affairs and bribe-taking from Fat Leonard. The burn pits have been linked to illnesses in thousands of veterans.

The eight justices lit a humongous inferno at the steps of the high court that cremated the concerns of thousands of veterans suffering from cancer, tumors and asthma. 

While liberal-leaning justices set the conflagration with fast-burning JP4 jet fuel, conservatives preferred to dump drums of old-school kerosene. A resulting “firenado” was seen for miles across Washington, prompting hundreds of 911 calls to the Taxation Without Representation Police Department.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg did not participate. Law clerks reportedly whisked her away before Justices Thomas and Gorsuch added her to the fire.

“This isn’t a funeral pyre despite what Faux News wants you to think,”a Ginsburg law clerk told reporters. “She’s not even technically dead, just mentally, and that’s not the same thing.” The clerk then clarified that Ginsburg is being pickled by wine, not embalming fluid.

As hazardous fumes wafted across the District, Toxins overwhelmed both unfurloughed Department of Homeland Security employees still manning its 24/7 National Operations Center as hazardous fumes wafted across the area. The two reportedly became overwhelmed by toxins (or by having to work for no pay). They left the center to seek medical treatment and to beg food from homeless people they used to ignore.

In addition to relieving the nation of noxious burn pit lawsuits, the Court also charred pending cases deemed supremely tiring to the public. The cases included yet another gun rights fight, another suit targeting cake-bakers case, and a decade-old argument that Lady Gaga is untalented no matter how much money she makes.

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A woman who allegedly sent one man 500 text messages a day over a four-month period has been selected to screen the next generation of warfighters, sources with U.S. Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) confirmed today.

Jacqueline Ades achieved widespread notoriety after bombarding one man’s phone with 65,000 text messages after a single date.

“Ms. Ades demonstrated the unwavering tenacity that we expect of our recruiters,” said Maj. Huey Thomas, a spokesman for USAREC. “Her knack for establishing contact at the most inconvenient times, along with her impressive inability to read social cues and never take ‘no’ for an answer are exactly what the Army needs as we plow blindly into our eighteenth year of sustained warfare.”

Despite having never attended Army basic training, Ades feels that recruiting duty is her calling.

“Once I see something I want, I don’t ever give up,” she smiled unblinkingly. “Ever.”

Ades has already exceeded Army recruitment quotas for Maricopa County by 400 percent since becoming a recruiter last week, though her prospects have been exclusively male.

“I signed up for college and trade skills and stuff, but mostly because [Ades] scares the shit out of me,” said Toby Webster, 19, from Chandler.

At press time, Ades was seen laying in front of a bus full of recruits attempting to depart for boot camp.

Don’t ever leave me! I’ll kill you!” she cried.